Logs:Get it Figured Out
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| RL Date: 19 May, 2015 |
| Who: Nala, Aislara, Jynth, Ryerith |
| Involves: Fort Weyr |
| Type: Log |
| What: After a bad flight and a misunderstanding, Nala and Aislara finally speak again. |
| Where: Aislara's Weyr, Fort Weyr |
| When: Day 6, Month 11, Turn 37 (Interval 10) |
| Mentions: I'nis/Mentions, Y'ral/Mentions, M'vyn/Mentions |
| OOC Notes: Angst. Language. Sex. Potentially upsetting references. |
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| Three days. That is how long the silence stretches between Aislara and Nala. Aislara has been a shadow of herself, avoiding more than the necessary conversations. It helps that there are no weyrlings to teach and no true demands on her time. If her co-assistants notice a change in her behavior none of them bother her about it. Whatever whispers Aislara may overhear, she chooses to ignore. Of course she's sad, they say. She got caught by a bronze. No one thought that would end well. Ryerith has spent absolutely no time with that bronze and though she hasn't been able to see Jynth, her contact with him has been light. She's always checking on him, a gentle touch of ribbon to metal, and then pulls back. It is with a heaviness Ryerith doesn't quite understand that leads to the green seeking Jynth out. Her rider's emotions are laced through her own, a thick and dense fog that keeps her usual airy voice dull. « Can Nala come and see her? I do not like her thoughts. She is sad and upset that she upset Nala. And then she is sad she wants to make up. And it is all confusing. Sad, sad, sad. I do not like it. » It seems, of late, that Fort has taken on more and more Southern residents, and in the days that pass, a foreign, Southern green and a brown visit Jynth's ledge more than once, yet there's nothing like guilt for keeping this other company whenever the blue's mind finds Ryerith in silent answer to her checking. Drills are attended to the best of his ability, but longer duties are out of the question for a sevenday or so, leaving more time to dwell. Except Nala isn't seen to. She isn't seen much at all. When Ryerith finally speaks, there's a span of silence in answer, though it's not clear whether both Jynth and Nala mull over her words during that time. « There's nothing that she can say that will make it better, » he eventually informs her, his tone not lacking in warmth. « There is nothing that she can do about anything. How is she to fix it? » Ryerith does not know quite what to make of the reply and her disappointment is clear. She doesn't reply right away, keeping her immediate thoughts to herself in a bundle of twisting ribbons. « In the past, Nala seeing her has been enough. » That's a hazy memory. She tries to shake some clarity into it but there is none to have aside from a vague knowing that it may work. « If neither of them think it can get better, what does that mean? » The knowledge of the Southern visitors have been known to Ryerith but she has not passed such on to her rider. « I do not know what to do. I could call Elaruth.. but Aislara would not want to bother the Weyrwoman. » A blustering sigh is given as she moves from the bowl and back up to her ledge. « If you will or Nala will, come. We are at home now. » She will leave it up to them. « Maybe it means that it was better when we were not here. » There must be something of Nala to that, for it's delivered only for what it is, no sympathy or attention sought, only the facts, given the information available. Jynth leaves off all contact then, which must be more for his rider's sake than his own, and retreats back into his own mental space, where he operates on a smoky, smoggy kind of silence. Time passes, enough for Nala to put herself together or only dwell some more, yet Jynth does finally make his way to Ryerith's ledge and deposit his rider there, looming there at her back when she doesn't move, a protective shadow. Ryerith ripples in disagreement with that statement but does not otherwise comment. She has done her part and does not push them further. Jynth is noticed as he makes his way to her ledge and she moves, giving him ample room to land. She sits sphinx-like as she watches Nala and the blue. Aislara has been alerted to Jynth's arrival by the sounds from her ledge. She chooses not to go out on the ledge but instead calls from within, "Please come in." Inside, the greenrider is seated at her small table. There is a glass in front of her with a fizzy looking pink drink that remains untouched. Her hair is loose and her clothing is still dusty from clearing out the barracks. There must be too much of Nala in Jynth's mind for him to settle and stay with Ryerith as he usually would, since he moves off once it becomes clear that his rider has made the decision to go inside, to distance himself in the same manner as she so often does, since he can hardly follow her inside and stick as close to her as his choice might be. He lands beside the lake, where he curls up, while Nala takes slow steps inside the weyr and steps away from the entryway only enough to actually be inside and out of the draft. "...She said..." is murmured with a gesture back towards the ledge and Ryerith, her features a sombre, speculative mask. "She knows better," Aislara replies, lifting her gaze finally to catch Nala's. "I had told her not to bother you or Jynth or anyone." She shakes her head as her cheeks flush. "She worries." What else is there to say? Aislara can't quite grasp a direction to take so she gestures towards the chair across from her. "Did you want to sit?" Ryerith watches as Jynth leaves with a rumble. She resettles herself on her ledge, looping her tail closer to her muzzle as she watches those below. Nala shakes her head, her response seemingly in answer to whether she wants to sit down, but it could serve just as well for the rest too. "...I can't do this," she says quietly. "I know I said I would support you if you wanted a child, but I cannot watch you get hurt like that again. I cannot watch you destroy yourself to do it. And if you believe that I have only ever been here because of Jynth, then what is the point?" She shrugs, the motion a helpless little twitch. "Everything that I have ever said has been meaningless. You have not believed a word of it." Lifting a hand, she passes it over her eyes and shakes her head. "I should not be here." Aislara's hands tighten on the edge of the table as she listens to Nala's words. She can't meet the bluerider's gaze and the flush earlier has grown with each word delivered. A few hot, shame-driven, tears escape her before she manages to scrub her face and rid them from existence. "That wasn't what I was trying to say," she manages to say after a too long and strained silence. "I was.., I'm sorry." She looks to Nala then, even if she can't hold her gaze for more than a few seconds before she's looking at the table again. "I'm.. sorry, so, so.. beyond sorry. I'm ashamed of what I did. I hurt you.. and I didn't mean it to be that way." "I'm not asking you to be sorry," Nala insists, knotting her arms beneath her chest if only so that can't go reaching if her feet betray her and move for Aislara. "Or ashamed. Or upset. I do not want any of that." She glances down at her feet. "No, I probably would not have thought to be with you - or anyone - if Jynth had not caught Ryerith. But I looked for you - I spent time with you - before she ever rose again. I never assumed or thought that catching her again was guaranteed." Her arms knot more tightly as she murmurs, "I never thought that you thought it was only until someone else caught her. I know I left you, for months. That someone else caught her... I'm not jealous. It was your choice. I am upset for you, that you got hurt." "I don't know what to think of any of it. I met you when I'nis was still here, and Y'ral didn't know.. and he was being cruel. Sometimes. I don't know. Sometimes I just fell to worrying. Can you blame me? I've never started anything outside of her flights.. I met.. I just. Why else even see me? I mean. Any of them. I'm not pretty and I'm scarred. You saw me, you see me, don't you know why I'm apologizing?" Once she starts talking she doesn't seem able to stop. "I'm apologizing because I don't want to lose you. Because I can't get my mind straight! I shouldn't have tried and I did. And it hurt, it still hurts. I'm haunted by it all the time. And if this... this is finally my last screw up and if I lose you again over it." She has to stop to breathe. "And I'm so fucking selfish and stupid it makes me sick." She reaches for that drink then with shaky hands. It's her cursing that draws a hint of approval or relief into Nala's otherwise impassive focus. Her reply is not one provided immediately, nor does it address any particular matter directly, at least initially. She's careful about it, measured in her response. "...I am not saying this to be cruel or unkind. I'm saying it... as someone who got too close to the edge." A moment's hesitation, then: "There are things that I cannot fix... and that you cannot heal on your own. A mindhealer might be able to assist you in ways neither of us can; in ways that Ryerith cannot. I want you... to be happy with who you are. Comfortable. Maybe I can make you feel good for a little while, but I can't do the rest." "Okay," Aislara replies, looking at that glass she's never managed to pick up. "If you think that," she shakes her head, correcting herself before Nala can, "I'll think about it." She lifts both hands to brush through her hair, pushing it out of her face and behind her ears. A forefinger brushes the raised flesh of her scar and she nods once to herself. "I've survived too much to be.. to let myself be..," she sighs and looks finally to Nala. "I'll get it figured out." She pauses, unable to keep the blush that pushes forward to her cheeks at bay. "If you-, can you-," she pauses, willing herself to maintain calm. "I'd like you to stay with me." "If you see one, you need to see them for you. Not for me, or anyone else." Nala dips her head again to look down at her feet. "I know that much." During the moments of silence that follow, her nails dig into her leathers, threatening to leave marks. "...Whether you believe me or not," she says softly, "you should know that it was never anything to do with Jynth. I ended up in bed with you the first time because of him, when I'd never been with anyone but--" She won't mention his name. "I fell in love with you. It has nothing to do with who he twines with." Then she moves, slowly, to sit herself down at Aislara's feet like she used to, leaning against her knees. Aislara's hand drifts down without thought to rest on Nala's head, her fingers fall to idly combing the bluerider's hair. The silence that falls is no longer strained. This is comfortable and her continual combing of Nala's hair must be soothing because the tension slowly begins to leave her body. "I'm glad we fell in love," she breaks in, slowly so as not to disturb their ease and not to rush her thoughts. "You figured things out.. that you needed to figure out. And it's only right that I do the same. That way we can be more complete. Together." It's a start of a promise and she'll be inclined to leave it there if Nala will. She lowers her arms down to wrap around the bluerider's shoulders and hugs her, pressing her cheek against Nala's. "I love you very much." Nala leans back into the arms around her, a quiet, murmuring noise supplied in answer, when she cannot or doesn't want to find the right words that could form her response. Rather than speak, she eventually turns in Aislara's arms and reaches for her hands as she gets to her feet, to draw her bit by bit to her bed, where she means to ease her out of her clothes and spend the time that follows doing what she can to help the greenrider forget for a while. She's gentle - if anything, she's too gentle - and mindful of the marks that she remembers discovering, lips ghosting over bruising as though she could reclaim territory, and, ultimately, she's in no hurry to leave her bed. Aislara is a willing participant in Nala's quest to reclaim her. The familiarity of having Nala love her, of Nala's fingers - however gentle they may be today - and her lips ease Aislara more than any words might have been able to do. The greenrider abandons herself to it, allowing her thoughts to disappear in the wave of pleasure that overtakes her. Tears fall from her eyes at one point, neither from happiness nor sadness, simply another release of emotion. There is no hurry to leave her bed, for once she has been fully satisfied and spent, she eases Nala back and finds her own way around the bluerider's body. Her movements may not be as gentle, for she has no fears of hurting Nala, but they are with the singular purpose of drawing Nala into that oblivion lovemaking allows them to find. Ryerith finds herself reaching for Jynth during their rider's exchange, her ribbons fluttering against his mind. « Come home? » She can't quite find herself to demand it, but she will finally ask for his presence on the ledge again. It's as Nala curls around Aislara, her arms snug around her waist, that Jynth answers Ryerith's call, either succumbing to that instinct to mirror her or just unable to deny and distance himself from the green any longer. When he reaches the ledge, he settles there, making no assumptions and no move to possess her, something different there in the wake of her being secured by that bronze, what claim he might have on her no longer instinctive or at that more primal level. However, he's no less affectionate, nor will he reject her, that missing component one that only demands less certainty than before. Nala seems to suffer from no such thing, her claim on Aislara secure... and what grief or fear she must live with is hidden, her face pressed into the curve of the greenrider's neck as sleep takes over. |
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