Logs:If You Figure Things Out
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| RL Date: 12 March, 2009 |
| Who: K'del, P'ax |
| Involves: High Reaches Weyr |
| Type: Log |
| What: K'del and P'ax can't be friends anymore. |
| Where: Feeding Grounds, High Reaches Weyr |
| When: Day 4, Month 3, Turn 19 (Interval 10) |
| Feeding Grounds, High Reaches Weyr Wedged between the lake and the rest of the vast bowl are the dusty feeding grounds. Here, the well-trampled ground is contained by a sturdy wooden fence, cutting right through one end of the lake to section it off into a muddy watering hole for the animals. Several gates allow people in and out, while at the back, large overhangs of rock provide the herd -- a mixed bag of herdbeasts, wing-clipped wherries, and fat porcines -- shelter from storms or the hot sun. What grass survives is usually bloodstained, but feeding troughs are stationed around the edges of the pen. It's midmorning a few days after their last meeting at the lake. P'ax has the day off, and he's spending it taking care of Yyth. She's been freshly bathed, and the oil still makes her hide shine. Now she's destroying all his efforts in her quest to fill her greedy belly. The scene would be one of nightmares for anyone with a less strong constitution than P'ax. He's busy picking over a carcass left behind by Yyth though, trying to pry out an intact leg bone by ripping it away from the gnawed haunch. With the ankle in his hands and his foot planted against the pelvis, he drags on it until it starts to give with a truly gross sound. K'del probably doesn't have the day off: he and Cadejoth are filthy, as though they've been in to all kinds of things. The bronze swoops in to the pens, evidently intent on lunch, while K'del ambles around the side, hands dug in pockets, looking cold and dirty - and, having spotted Yyth, sort of pained, as his gaze seeks out her rider. He pauses. P'ax is too caught up io his grisly task until Yyth lifts her head to rumble a greeting to Cadejoth. His head lifts to see who's arrived and the bronze is immediately recognized. His head turns slowly, warily, over his shoulder to see K'del, his face already resigned. He glances at Yyth, but she's still busy eating. No chance of making a hasty escape so he manages an apologetic look for K'del and finally gets the leg bone to pop out of its socket. For the popping sound, K'del winces, but at least it gives him an opening - sort of. "That's pretty gross," he tells the greenrider, walking towards him with the kind of reluctance usually reserved for visits to the healers. He's swallowing hard; this is obviously not easy for him. Cadejoth returns Yyth's greeting, as he dives in to take down his kill, chewing with delight. "I'm sorry," P'ax murmurs automatically, abandoning his attempt to dismember the carcass now that he has company. "For Yyth's collection," he says by way of explaination, dropping the leg into the grass, still partly attatched by scraps of flesh. "We'll leave just as soon as she's done," he adds warily, shuffling awkwardly in the grass. "Right," says K'del, awkwardly, though no doubt he's aware of the purpose of the carcass; must be, after all this time in the green's acquaintance. "No, it's fine. Really." Forceful. "You can do whatever you like. Don't - you know. Inconvenience yourself. For me." P'ax manages to smile at K'del, but it is so forced and unnatural it looks more like a grimace of pain, teeth clenched against a scream. "Of course. No inconvience." He laughs bitterly and lets out a sigh, his stiff shoulders sloping inwards. "I'm just trying to make things easier." K'del recoils, in the face of that grimace. He looks even more awkward than ever, and turns his head away. "I think it's making things worse." It's a quiet observation, made off into the distance - oh look, a bird. "Both of us are, I mean." P'ax observes his hands rather than K'del. The blood is noted and he moves on to scrubbing it away against his pants. "Is it?" It's not really a question, though it comes out like one. "I hadn't realized. I'll try harder." He could be talking about the weather, as disinterested as he's become. He continues to toe awkwardly at the ground. Oh look, grass. "Just tell me what you want me to do, you know." Not the answer K'del was looking for. He frowns; then, he scowls, grumpy and frustrated. "Don't /know/ what I want you to do," he says, turning around so that he can place both gloved hands upon the fencepost. "Shouldn't be about me telling you what to do, anyway." P'ax flinches and sighs. "I know I'm the last person you want to see. You could just have Cadejoth check with Yyth, you know, I can leave." He frowns a little and sighs. "Not that that would be precisely convienent anyways. I'm not sure how to go about this." He rubs his hand through his hair, mercifully having significantly less blood on his hand now to smear in it. "If you've got a better idea, I'm willing to hear it, of course." "/P'ax/." Exactly what K'del means by that - well, it's hard to know. He shuts his eyes, leaning forward and sighing. "Don't know. But this is dumb. The avoiding each other, all of that. Not going to spend the rest of my life organising my life around not seeing you." P'ax's eyes snap up to K'del's face immediately when his name is said so forcefully. His hands twist together now, all of his awkwardness curled up inside his fingers. "Would be quite difficult, with drills," P'ax agrees smoothly. "I can talk to the Weyrleaders, I suppose. I'm sure they would be glad to have a problem like me out of her hair as well." His eyes drift close some time during this new suggestion, his face as serene as his voice. But now even Yyth has turned one hooded eye towards her rider. « I don't /want/ to leave! » she protests unhappily. K'del goes still, and then, finally, turns around so that he's facing P'ax again. "What?" He sounds honestly confused. And then, "No. Didn't say I think you should /leave/. Faranth. Have you got no spine at all? We just need to get over this. Pretend none of it ever happened. I don't know. /Something/. But you can't just get up and leave because of me." Consolingly, Cadejoth tells Yyth, « You don't have to. I won't let you. And K'del doesn't want that, either. » "Of course I have a spine. I'm standing upright, aren't I?" The poor joke is accompanied by an almost spasmotic tightening att he corners of his lips. "If you'd like, we can do that. I don't blame you, of course, for wanting to forget about it." His eyes roam away. "We can be amicable at least, for them." « Oh good. Its nice here. Things /die/. » K'del makes a face for the joke, his whole expression tightening; not funny. "Oh, will you shut up? Don't mean it like that. I just..." He sighs, turning away again. "Doesn't have to be like this, does it?" « I think things die lots of places. But. I like it here, too. » And like having you here - but that isn't said outright. P'ax shuts up and stares owlishly at K'del for awhile. Finally he prompts, "Like what? What do you want from me, K'del?" His voice lowers even more, barely a whisper over the sounds going on around them. "I've heard and can only assume that sleeping with me has been a point of shame and embarrasment for you. It's perfectly okay if you hate me for it. I mean, I expected that you would." He spreads his hands apart, and sighs. "I'm tired of being a burden on everyone. So tell me how to stop being a burden to you, and I'll gladly do it." "I don't /know/," says K'del, in a harsh, unhappy whisper. "I-- /shells/. It's not shame. It's--" It's what? He doesn't seem to know. "I don't hate you. I'm /embarrassed/ about it. Because I don't know how to act with someone I've slept with without really having control over it. And no, I didn't really want to. But not because it's you, specifically. Just... guys. I just... Don't. And... I don't know what to do." The last bit is little more than a whisper. P'ax draws his lower lip into his mouth. "Okay," he says, and it seems to sum up his agreement and response to everything K'del's just said. He stands awkwardly clenching his hands together, crushing the grass underfoot as he rocks from toe to heel. "If you ever figure it out, I hope you'll let me know." K'del shuts his eyes again, squinting them shut unhappily. "Why can't-- Oh, /shells/. Can't we just, I don't know, be friends again?" P'ax frowns, his lips pressed together. Its an option he hadn't considered. "Can we? You /want/ to be friends with me again?" He sounds, and seems, utterly bewildered by this idea. There must be another bird, somewhere. A long way away. But still interesting enough to keep K'del's attention on it so firmly. "I-- Well. We could try. It'd be better than." Pause. "You know. This." "You didn't answer my question," P'ax says quietly, and that faint spark of hope hovering on the edges of that question die. "Well, no, I suppose you did, just by avoiding it." He sighs, shakes his head. "I don't know if it would be. I think it's just some misguided sense of sympathy that's led us to this conversation. I don't want it. From what little I can tell of the way friendship works, I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be based on two people enjoying each other's company, not because one party misguidedly likes the other and the other feels sorry for him." "But I don't feel sorry for you." K'del is quick, if petulantly frustrated, to note this. "I don't. And I /do/ enjoy your company. Except that these things keep happening, and then I have no idea how to deal." P'ax loses it for one second, the mask he's stapled firmly into place. Behind it is more indecisive agony than any one person should be dealing with. It's a good thing there's K'del here to foist it off on. "There, you see, they'll keep happening. And it'll start again. You'll get mad at me, someone else will assume we're..." he stumbles, unable to bring himself to even say the word 'together'. "And then the whole fun cycle starts over. What if this /is/ the better solution? You can ignore me and go have your happy whorish life, and I can go about antagonizing just about everyone." K'del makes a face at 'whorish' (he's allowed to say it - no one else!), but squints off into the distance for the rest, unhappy, and awkward. Finally, he turns around. "So do you want to just not be friends? To be acquaintances who can be polite, and nothing else? Fine. Whatever." P'ax lowers his head. "You know I wish above anything else that we could be friends again. Do you blame me for being afraid to trust you after the way you've been treating me?" He glances back over his shoulder at Yyth. "It's been over a month, K'del. If you haven't forgiven me yet, I don't know if you're going to." K'del knows the truth of this. There's been a lot of eye shutting; there's more, now. "It's not really about forgiving," he says. "It wasn't your fault or anything. It just..." But it sounds pretty hollow; he knows. It's his fault. P'ax isn't the type to put blame on others. So he shrugs. "Maybe we can try again, someday, when you can finish that sentance. You should probably go see your family, in, say, two to three months. Or wherever you'd rather be." It's a dismissal, a goodbye. As much of one as K'del's going to get before P'ax picks up the abandoned leg and gives it a strong jerk, parting it the rest of the way from the hip and dragging it off behind him. Yyth spares a look at Cadejoth and sighs in resignation. A coil of possessiveness curls around the bronze as she trundles after her rider, leaping into the air to meet him out in the bowl. "I'll be around, if you figure things out," he calls unnecessarily. K'del opens his mouth to say something more, turning bodily, as he watches P'ax go. But there isn't anything - or, at least, he can't seem to think of anything. It shuts again, finally, resignedly. He looks... bereft. Cadejoth extends a tendril of thought, sad, but still - still hers. Whatever their riders do. P'ax looks back over his shoulder at K'del and hesitates. He stands there for too long, his face hopeful for a moment before he gives up and turns away again. « It'll work out, » Yyth reassures Cadejoth. « Mine will do anything for me. If I tell him to forgive yours, he will. » But that's for another time. Right now... she wants another bath, and P'ax couldn't agree more. |
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