Logs:It Hurts So Much
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| RL Date: 25 August, 2009 |
| Who: Madilla, Milani |
| Involves: High Reaches Weyr |
| Type: Log |
| What: Madilla unburdens herself on Milani, who has some interesting perspectives on the whole mess, and enough comfort to leave the apprentice on a distinctly more even keel. |
| Where: Resident Common Room / Milani's Room, High Reaches Weyr |
| When: Day 27, Month 7, Turn 20 (Interval 10) |
| Mentions: B'tal/Mentions, Delifa/Mentions, P'ax/Mentions, W'chek/Mentions |
| Resident Common Room, High Reaches Weyr Just off of the main passageway lies the small cavern that forms the hub of the residents' quarters, kept immaculately clean by the headwoman's staff and warmed in cold weather by a stone hearth to the left and well back from the entrance. Comfortable chairs and a plush fur arrayed before the hearth make an inviting spot to curl up with a book or handicraft, or just to sit and chat. Beyond, additional chairs stand in clusters throughout the room, some upholstered with age-softened hide, some plain wood. At the widest point of the cavern, a round table gleams with polish, though its surface is nicked and scarred from Turns of use. Beyond the table, the very back of the cavern often lies in shadow unless the glowbaskets there are unlidded to cast cozy pools of light. The commingled scents of klah, smoke and polish permeate the air along with the sweetness of rosemary and lavender. Tapestries hang across the entrances to dormitories and more private quarters as well as the exit to the outer hall, colorful protections from drafts. Evening time and Milani's pulling closed the door to her office though she's dressed down and many would know it was one of her restdays today. She has her clipboard in hand, a long, gauze aqua scarf caught between it and her palm and she hums cheerily. Restdays must be good for the headwoman. It must be mostly coincidence that brings Madilla past at just time this, evidently aiming for further down the corridor-- though her steps falter as, rounding the corner, Milani comes in to view. She's dressed as though she's been at work, though that doesn't explain the food stains covering the apron she's still wearing. Her expression freezes, then shifts; a blank smile settles in, instead. Milani turns as steps approaching turn into faltering steps and she looks up at Madilla, smiling over at her. That expression slowly fades though as she catches the shift on the healer's features. "Madilla, hey there," she greets in a friendly manner, voice gentle, but not overly so. "Have you been cooking?" for those stains, as she tucks hair back behind her ear and her clipboard under one arm. "I--" begins Madilla, visibly attempting to brighten her smile, though she's not having much luck with it. "No. I mean... I was helping feed the little ones." Beat. Her hands curl around each other her, shifting uncomfortably. "Um. Rest day, then? Nice... day for it?" The stops and starts tighten Milani's focus on Madilla's face and she nods about feeding the little ones. "Oh was that -- fun?" A little dubiousness there as she takes in the stains on the apron again. A nod for the rest day. "It was a good one, though I went to Fort and it wasn't pretty out. Got stormy in the afternoon and came back here and it was nicer out here, sat on the rocks for a bit. So I just picked up some of the reports and things for the day, to go over." There's a little pause and then Milani holds her hand out towards the apprentice. "Would you like to come over for some tea?" Madilla nods as though it's the expected answer to feeding the little ones, though it isn't echoed in her expression, not the way it usually would be. She nods, too, to go along with Milani's tale of the afternoon, and then there's that extended hand and she looks, for a moment, as though she's about to run. But, finally, with a deep breath, she lets her hand uncurl from the other, to extend towards Milani's; again, she nods, and the smile more or less fades away entirely. So many shifts in Madilla are definitely of great concern, but for now Milani contents herself with closing her fingers around the healer's gently and tilts her head. "It's just this way. I've got a couple of different kinds of tea and cookies too," she says conversationally as she turns to lead the way down the hallway. "I met an interesting person at Fort too. Her name is Kaida and she's a Weaver, I think she's an apprentice." Madilla lets herself be lead without any further hesitation, as though it's somehow a relief; her shoulders have drooped, too, and if her expression remains the same, her tone is at least even enough. "That sounds nice." And, after a deep breath, "That must have been nice, meeting someone interesting. It's... good to know people all around the place, right? Were... you doing anything interesting? At Fort?" "Book-buying," Milani confesses, with a little grin as they walk along the corridors towards her rooms. It doesn't take long. "Here we are, just come on in and let me put my things down. Make yourself comfortable, chair or sofa. It'll only take a minute or two to get the kettle boiling. Do you like sweeter tea, or more savory?" This as she unlocks the door and pushes it open. Milani's Room Spacious quarters are a privilege for the Weyr's headwoman. A small sitting room welcomes visitors, nicely appointed with a green-toned rug, matching sofa, two upholstered chairs and a low table just right for setting down klah mugs and other food and drink. There's a hearth here, small but well-kept: it rarely smokes. A door behind the sofa leads the way into the sleeping room where a large bed takes up half of the rear wall of the room. A dresser, a couple of trunks, a standing armoire and a washstand make up the rest of the furniture, well spaced to make the room feel cozy but not crowded. A tapestry of Reaches in winter with a view of the frozen lake and skaters on it bedecks one wall. But the admission makes Madilla smile, at least, and it lasts at least the rest of the way to Milani's rooms, even if it isn't terribly bright. "Savory," she requests, and, "Please." Entering, she selects one of the chairs to sit in, albeit stiffly, her back not touching the chair's, her hands ending up primly in her lap. Milani's clipboard gets dropped off on the sideboard, her scarf piled on top, shoes abandoned right in front and she sorts through some of the things kept there, finds a box of tea. "Mint all right?" she suggests for tea flavor. A look over her shoulder finds Madilla perched on that chair like so and the headwoman's teeth catch at her bottom lip for a moment. With the tea box still in her hand, she heads over to the hearth and picks up the kettle there, checks the water level before swinging it over the hearth and pokes at a fire that was probably set earlier when she came back from Fort. A few anemic flames rear their heads and with some encouragement catch at a fresh handful of kindling to get going again. "Mint is lovely," says Madilla, hurriedly, with a quick bob of her head, which turns so that she can glance at Milani - which is better than staring at her shoes, at least. Her fingers curl around the bottom edge of her apron, as she adds, "I'm sorry. I'm not terribly good company today." "Mint it is," Milani says and rises, setting the box down on the little low table that sits between her chairs and her sofa, moves to curl up on the end of the sofa closest to Madilla's chair. "It's okay, you don't need to apologize. But you know ... if something's bothering you, if you want to talk about it or just ... hang out somewhere, that's really okay too," Millie offers with a little encouraging smile. "I'm not going to get up in your face about anything. And you know, my knot is allll the way back in my office, so it's just me, not the headwoman." "I just don't want to... ruin your rest day or anything," Madilla says, hurriedly, eyes entreating Milani to believe what she says. "You can tell me to go away, if I am. You have plenty enough to worry about, I'm sure. I'm--" Her hands twist against each other, against the fabric held between her fingers, as she glances down again. "I'm not even sure where I'd begin." "Since it's pretty much over, Madilla, don't worry, okay?" Milani says with a little smile. "And even if it wasn't the end of the day ... don't worry about it." She quiets down, listening, head propped up on one hand and she lifts her shoulders in a little shrug. "Not so much that I don't have time for a friend." As the healer looks down, Milani considers. "Well, how about I ask a question then. You seem a little off-kilter. Maybe even upset. So who or what's upset you?" Madilla looks as though she desperately wants to believe that, and isn't quite able to, but finally, she manages to nod, still staring down at her lap, those twining fingers. "It's--" But she has to stop, shake her head, and try again. "W'chek," her voice shakes as she says the name, though otherwise, there's no emotion to her tone. "He's--" And then, in a flurry of words: "He loves B'tal and B'tal loves him." Her eyes are dry. The kettle slowly starts to heat but it's not whistling yet and Milani waits while Madilla sorts things out, twines fingers. There's a moment's surprise on Milani's face though about what part of all that isn't clear. "Oh /Madilla/ ..." she says softly. "That's so hard. So, so hard." And there's more than just sympathy on her face, there's empathy too and Millie slips out of her seat, in spite of the apprentice's dry eyes and comes over to perch on the arm of her chair, an arm aiming to slip around her shoulders. Despite the dryness of her eyes, Madilla's shoulders shake, and it only gets worse as Milani's arm slips around them. She tries to straighten, though, as if she's fighting some internal battle against all of it. And - "I don't even know if I'm /angry/. It's just that it was all I ever wanted, and I was counting down the days and planning /everything/, and talking about it and now I feel like such a fool. It's all I ever wanted, but he-- he-- didn't even tell me himself. Just let me carry on like that." As the words spill out of Madilla, Milani's arm slips all the way around her and her other hand comes over and gently tucks back a bit of her hair. "I know, you really were looking forward to all of that," she echoes, then shakes her head. "You're not a fool Madilla. I mean, I have my ear to the ground and ... there were some things that were coming up in gossip that were kind of funky, but I never would've put him and B'tal together like that. It's also not foolish to dream, it's not," she says firmly. "Or to trust. It's just really sad and disappointing that W'chek broke that trust." "And B'tal." Madilla's breath is ragged as she says that. "He and I are friends. I thought. But he never said anything, either." Her head turns so that she can look at Milani, and now, there are some tears there, welling up, but not yet dripping. "He said he still wanted a family, a wife. That he thought he could 'get better'. But... It doesn't work that way. Does it? How can it?" Her hand lifts, reaching for her neckline, drawing out the necklace that rests beneath her shirt, fingers grasping on to it. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do now." "Oh that has to hurt a lot," Milani says in that same gentle, sympathetic tone. "All I can think of is that ... well sometimes when guys are figuring out they like guys they get a little, you know," she wiggles a finger around in a circle by her temple. Her hand drops though and her arm tightens a little around the healer's shoulders, head shaking slowly. "No. It's not a sickness, not at all. I mean, he might like /both/ girls and boys, but chances are pretty good that it's not going away," she says sincerely and chews on her lip for a second. "I ah -- well I slept with P'ax once. And it helped him to figure out that while girls were maybe okay, but that yeah, he /really/ liked guys better." Breath drawn in let out and Millie looks towards the fire, though it's likely she noticed that necklace. "You have to figure out what you really want," she says in a voice full of conviction. "Was it /W'check/ you wanted? Or did you want the same things he did, a family and a weyrmate? Could you live with the idea that he's not exclusive with you and not just because of flights? Or is that non-negotiable? What do /you/ want and what are willing to do, to live with, to get it?" Madilla shakes her head. "I think he knew. I think he's known for... a long time. I was convenient. A... cover. And even if I'm not just that anymore, it's..." She swallows, taking several long breaths before she can talk again. "I've never really understood the-- passion people feel. For each other. W'chek was... he was nice, and he /understood/, and I suppose, yes, we wanted the same things. But..." Blinking back tears, she considers Milani, surprise evident in her expression. "I don't know. Could that kind of thing even work?" Listening, Milani just nods, encouraging Madilla to go on and doesn't interrupt, though her hand rubs gently at the healer's shoulder when she has to stop and breathe. "You know ... sometimes it takes a very particular someone, before you do. I mean, feel that kind of passion. And it is -- it's different when you do have that." There's a faint tone of wistfulness in her voice for a moment, but then she smiles down at the apprentice. "Even if he did a bad thing by not telling you, he can still be a nice person I guess. Sometimes nice people do stupid things." Her nose wrinkles up a little. "I mean, I've done plenty of stupid things, but I'm nice most of the time, right?" She fishes in her pocket and comes up with a clean hanky to pass to the younger woman. "It can. If you're willing and it won't hurt you. If it'd make you happy. I mean, shells, my parents were in a four-way weyrmating for turns!" Despite her tears, Madilla pauses to say, just quietly, "I hope you find that passion again, Milani, I do. Though... I don't know if it makes me feel worse, if that's what /they/ have." They. W'chek and B'tal, probably. "You are nice. And... I know I've done stupid things, too, and I hope I'm nice. I just... it hurts so much." She accepts the hanky, and uses it to wipe her eyes, the hand at her throat finally dropping back down to her lap again. "They were? /Four/ of them?" She pauses to actually blow her nose, and then shakes her head. "I don't know if I can even think about that, yet. It's not... but whatever I do, it won't be the kind of thing I was raised to do, will it? I was going to ask someone to give me a baby, before. If there wasn't anyone." Grinning, Milani gives Madilla's shoulders another squeeze. "I ... think I already have, actually, to be honest. But ... that's not so important right now." Her head bobs a few times as the hanky is taken. "I know. Believe me. I know it's an awful feeling and it just takes a while to go away. So you know, if you need to cry somewhere, need a shoulder or a hug, you can always come see me for a few minutes. You can duck into my office too if I'm not there and shut the door if you just need someplace to breathe. Because it gets all ... heavy and hurty and sometimes you just need a minute." She nods some more about her family. "Yes. Two guys, two girls. Well. I should say /men/ and /women/. Paddy and Remi's father, G'rad and my mother and my father, E'lan and Abbe who is my sister Bella's mother." Beat. "My family tree is /really/ complicated." ALmost blithe and humorous that. She quiets again, nodding. "No, it won't and that's the thing about Weyrs. Things work differently here a lot. Because of the dragons. You get four-way and three-way weyrmatings. You have couples who are faithful and ones who are looser. You have men and men together and women and women. Or women and men. ANd then some staff in the caverns actually get married like holders. I mean, in the end, think of any combination under the sun that you can and you can probably find it in a Weyr. And none of them are /wrong/ they're just ... different. Different ways that people care about each other." Her hand rubs at Madilla's shoulder again and she nods. "If that's really what you want, you can do that here too. No one will look at you funny except the ones who don't like kids." Madilla's eyes light; "I'm glad," she says, earnestly. "Truly, I am." Another swipe of the hanky, and her eyes are more or less dry again, though the redness will probably remain for some time yet. "Thank you. I... I've been hiding, I think. In the nurseries. I don't think they mind me being there, and it's nice to just... the kids just love unconditionally, you know?" Swallowing, head shaking, she adds, "It does sound complicated. But-- if it works, I suppose, I don't see why-- I was telling," swallow, "W'chek, just a few days before all of this, that I wouldn't mind if my children wanted different things. Perhaps..." But in trailing off, she shakes her head. "I do want a proper family. But I'll do what I have to... I suppose I have some time." Rueful. "It's still just over two turns, probably, until I'm a Journeyman." "Yeah, they do, even if they're making a mess of your apron." Milani laughs a little then nods several times. "Oh yes, you've got plenty of time to figure it out, to see what feels right for you," the headwoman adds earnestly. "And who knows. Maybe passion will come knocking at your door in the meantime, someone you're really head over heels for," she points out just as the kettle whistles. "Ohhh hold on a second, tea time!" ANother squeeze of her arm and she slips free to go swing the kettle off the flames, catches up the box of mint leaves to put into the leaf net and settle that into the teapot itself before pouring the water in. Shortly, the scent of mint wafts through the air, refreshing and soothing. Madilla glances down at her stained apron and laughs - a genuine laugh, if not the most enthusiastic ever. Of the rest: "Maybe. I don't know. I've never really /sought/ it, but perhaps it would be nice." She watches the Headwoman go off to look after the tea, admitting, as the scent begins to waft, "I always forget how soothing tea is, even the smell. I think it's part of why I like herbs so much." As she speaks, her hands reach up about her neck again, this time to undo the clasp on the necklace she wears, and draw it down into the palm of her hand. She looks at it, then draws her fist around it, dropping the contents into her pocket, silently. Two mugs are Milani's next goal, taken down from where they stand atop the mantel. "You don't really have to if you don't want to. I mean shells, not like there isn't usually passion enough to go around in a Weyr," the headwoman says with laughter in her voice again. "Sometimes it's enough to just ... you know, be open to it. And it /is/ my mother has the best teas. When I'm really low, sometimes I just ask her if we can have tea. I don't even have to say anything, we just go up to her little studio weyr and she makes tea and brushes my hair and I lean against her and I feel better." Gusty sigh. The removal of the necklace is noted with a sidelong slant of Milani's gaze but she doesn't say anything about it, for all there's another sympathetic pang on her face. Instead, she gets up and gets a basket of cookies, about half depleted. "Here, sugar cookies and mint tea, I think they make a really nice combination. Soothes the soul." "I don't think I'd say /no/," says Madilla, sounding thoughtful. "It just seems very strange to me. Being open to it... that sounds like the best plan." She makes no comment on the necklace, as her hand draws away from the pocket and returns to resting upon her lap. "Mm. Delifa and I have tea quite often - once a seven, usually. It's nice. Just to catch up outside of work, and to talk... though I have to be careful not to worry her about anything, at the moment, though she /is/ doing better." Her face lights at the cookies, and, smiling, she agrees, "Absolutely. Nothing like it." Milani nods a few times as she curls back up on the sofa, legs tucked sideways beneath her and she steals a cookie too, l eaves the basket within easy reach and trades off bites of cookie with sips of tea. "Oh that's nice that you and Delifa are close that way. Some apprentices and their journeymen never really bond like that. And yeah, I get that, what with the baby and all. It's a tough time for her." Munch, munch. "I know it's not the easiest thing in the world to be that way, be open like that either. I mean, okay fine, a lot of people say that my /legs/ are open that way, but you know, your heart and your loins are two very different parts of you. And my heart was ... pretty set on one person for a long time." Madilla takes a few nibbling bites of her cookie, and then another, larger one, as though it's the first thing she's really paid attention to eating in days - which may well be true. "She picked me out, back at the Hall - probably because I was good at her class, but then, because... I don't know. She asked me, specifically, to come here with her. It's made... a huge difference, for me." Her nod, for this being a tough time, is a serious one. For once, there's no blush at Milani's frankness; instead, she just looks very thoughtful. "I think that makes sense. I suppose you can... miss things, because you're too set on something." "You definitely can. I mean in the end, there's not .... just one way to be happy, you know? And I think that, you get that, because you saw a way to be happy with W'chek even if there wasn't any passion behind it. So you know, it's just a question of turning that around, maybe." Milani takes more bites from her cookie. "Shells these're good. They really did a great job on this batch." More munching. "And really? She hand-picked you? Wow. That must be nice to know that your journeyman really sees a lot in you." "Right," agrees Madilla, around the rim of her mug. "I suppose we make our own happiness, in what we /do/ have. Which doesn't mean we don't have goals for /more/, it's just... they don't have to be too specific." She looks thoughtful as she says this, though her lips curve into a quietly wry smile as she finishes. "They are good. It's lovely, how something so simple as a sugar cookie can be so... perfect." Her cheeks do turn faintly pink as, nodding, she adds, "It is. She tried to get me included in a special advanced training camp, for this summer, too; she really... cares. It's probably better I didn't get selected this time around, though. She needs me here." "Yeah, we can, we really can," Milani agrees, head bobbing and she smiles over at Madilla encouragingly. "So you know, I'll bet you can find that for yourself, Madilla, I really think you can." She licks sugar off her fingers, nodding a few times. "I know. Sometimes it's like, the simplest things really are the best." She listens again, reaches for another cookie while she does. "Oh nice, well I hope you get to go next summer then, when she might not need you around quite so much." Madilla returns the smile, at first waveringly, and then more certain; "I hope so. Thank you, Milani. For..." Everything, the gesture made by her cookie-filled hand suggests. "And yes - next summer. I hope. It would probably be... better then, anyway. I'll be a turn off twenty, then, so it would be... good, to get the exposure. If I want to make Journeyman quickly. I just hope they let me stay here, after I do walk the tables." "You're welcome, Madilla. Anytime really. You know, unless I'm dealing with a crisis, then I might have to put you off for a bit. But you know, everyone needs a place to go when there's tough things on their minds." She finishes off that other cookie and leans her chin in her hand again. "Mm. Help get you ready for the big time. And I hope that if you want to be here, here is where they'll keep you posted. I mean it seems like the whole ... local bonding thing is important to most crafts." Her head tilts a little and her smile warms. "And who knows, if you do really well, you might walk early." "If you were dealing with a crisis, then that would definitely come first," agrees Madilla. "I-- good. It's probably more healthy than trying to pretend it isn't happening. To talk, I mean." Her expression is more serious for that, rueful and somewhat embarrassed. "I hope so. On both counts. I would think it would make sense, to keep people happy. And the bonding. And..." A faint flush again. "I'm beginning to feel like maybe I /could/ cope with being a Journeyman. Even beyond other reason why it would be nice." "Mmm, I'd have to agree with that. I mean, it's tempting to just hide, but in the end, it doesn't really help much in the long-term. The hard things ..." she breaks off and takes a deep breath, "they have to be faced." She nods a few times at the rest of what Madilla has to say. "Madilla, given all the things you /already/ cope with ... I can't help but think that you'll be a really good journeyman." "And hiding from them just makes it worse sometimes, doesn't it?" Solemn, Madilla nods, then ducks her head back to her tea, considering it for a long moment before she sips. After she swallows, pink, and obviously pleased, she adds, "I hope so, I do. I want to be good. I know there are things I need to improve, but... there always will be, surely. So." She draws her expression into a smile, nods once more. "I'll get there." "See what I mean? You're hurt beyond belief and you're thinking about B'tal. You're one of the most unselfish people I know, Madilla," Milani says sincerely and reaches over, to rest her fingers lightly against the younger woman's arm. "You'll get there," she adds on confidently and sits back to enjoy more cookies and tea. From there, the conversation shifts to lighter things, things to make Madilla laugh, a little talk about the Weaver hall and clothes and gathers and the headwoman issues an invitation for Madilla to come along to one of the next small ones with her and some other friends. It seems to surprise Madilla that this would be considered unselfish, because she quickly explains, "I don't know if he knows that I know. And I need-- I don't want to lose him." Her fingertips lift to rest, just briefly, atop Milani's fingers on her arm: "Thank you." She's easily distracted on to those lighter things, though, and manages a lot more smiles as the conversation goes on; pink and pleased, she seems utterly delighted to accept the invitation. When she leaves, her step is distinctly lighter, and there's one more, earnest, heartfelt note of thanks: "Thank you, Milani, truly. Thank you." There's understanding on Milani's face for not wanting to lose a friend to the wrench of heartaches and she nods to show it. In the wake of the lighter talk, she walks her guest to the door and leans in the door frame, smiling. "You're welcome. See you soon!" and she watches the healer off down the hallway with a little smile still on her face. It's not until the door closes that the headwoman flops onto her couch and notes wryly to the ceiling. "Shells. Men /suck/." |
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