Logs:Loss and Regret
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| RL Date: 25 October, 2014 |
| Who: K'del, Lilah |
| Involves: High Reaches Weyr, Fort Weyr |
| Type: Log |
| What: Lilah offers her condolences. Whiskey offers some amount of openness. |
| Where: K'del's Island, Western Islands |
| When: Day 4, Month 2, Turn 36 (Interval 10) |
| Mentions: Aishani/Mentions, Ali/Mentions, Iolene/Mentions, N'rov/Mentions |
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| Despite the cool winter that has settled even over this island, the hint of it coming off the winds sweeping in from the sea, it is outside of K'del's little cabin that Lilah waits for him. Bright red-gold curls are messy, blowing loose in the wind as she sits on the doorstep with her arms wrapped around herself. She is bundled into dark flight leathers, sans her knot. Eliyaveith, of course, is the easiest of the pair to spot, huddled a tense, tight ball on the rocky shore, not quite touching the water but watching it. She is the one who reaches out to Cadejoth, informs him as politely as she can of where they are waiting for them, when they are able to get away even if they have to wait a while. The island is far enough west to have suffered only minor damage in the distant tendrils of the storm that managed to reach this far; there's some damage in the vines, but some suggestion of clean-up, too, even if there's no one around when Lilah and her queen arrive. Cadejoth's answer to Eliyaveith is prompt, and perhaps it's simply as good an excuse to get away as any, because it's not long before the bronze pair appear above the island, circling downwards to a landing. K'del's attention is briefly caught by his vines, but it's Lilah to whom he focuses his gaze as he approaches. "You should've gone inside," he says, falling short of chiding; "No reason to sit out here in the cold." "I didn't want to sit inside your house without you here," replies Lilah simply, pushing herself to her feet even as K'del draws near but not moving to give way to the cabin. Dark eyes search out blue, seeking something even as she adds quietly-- "I am sorry for your loss. It must be hard, for High Reaches." Eliyaveith offers her own soft croon, a noise to match her rider's words even as she flexes sharp claws against the stones of the beach. Try as he might, K'del can't prevent the troubled wince that answers Lilah's condolences, his expression a mass of conflicted emotion that finally settles itself into something rueful. "Thank you," he says, after a few moments, as Cadejoth wings his way down to join Eliyaveith, uncharacteristically silent. K'del's gaze bypasses Lilah and goes, instead, towards the door, which he opens hastily. It's cold, inside the cabin, and there's a definite air of disuse; he's clearly not been here recently. Eliyaveith is subtle in her offer of warmth and comfort, a tendril of her flames offered out in thought to Cadejoth as he settles nearby, waiting for him to accept it rather than pouring it onto him. "She hated you," Lilah knows, though, as she trails K'del inside. It is, perhaps, not the most diplomatic thing to say at the moment. "She once said to avoid you at all costs." Her arms tighten across her chest all the more for the cold inside the cabinet rather than without, but she doesn't move to settle herself anywhere. "Yes she did," agrees K'del, without hesitating, although it's also without looking at Lilah; easier, now, to busy himself with laying a fire - at least that has been left more or less prepared - though he does add, "Sit. Make yourself comfortable." It's as he gets the flames going, coaxing them into life, that he adds, "It's worse, in a way. When someone you have conflicted feelings about dies. Hard to know what to think, or what to do. But... you move on." Cadejoth lets those flames tangle about his chains, accepting Eliyaveith's comfort with quiet ease; he, too, will be okay. Where Cadejoth accepts, Eliyaveith offers more, her fires wrapping more firmly around those chains even as she shifts to press her bulky weight lightly against Cadejoth as he settles near. Lilah takes her own seat quietly at the table, her arms finally unwrapping to settle across the surface instead as she watches K'del. "Hating someone who is dead is harder," agrees the goldrider simply. "She was something different. Extraordinary, even. I wish--." But, she cuts herself off instead of continuing, exhaling a soft breath instead. This, too, Cadejoth is unwilling to refuse; his chains smoulder and rattle, and he is, for the moment, content. "She..." A pause. "She was. Doesn't matter how much we didn't like each other, the truth is that she was extraordinary. The things she did. Doesn't make all of them okay, but..." He turns, this time, content to let the fire go so that he can sit at the table across from the goldrider. "There it is. And it's not as though there aren't things we've all done that maybe aren't 'okay.'" "None of us are perfect. You once expelled a Weyrwoman from her own Weyr, and I-- Well," Lilah replies, a dry humor infusing the words inappropriately for a moment. She doesn't continue, though, instead asking the Weyrleader, "Do you have a drink? Do you want a drink?" K'del's mouth twists, as though he's not entirely sure he counts expelling Tiriana as one of those things-- though he doesn't actually argue the point. Nor does he press Lilah to finish her thought, and instead, with a wry laugh, says, "Sure. Let's have a drink. There's whiskey on the mantle, if you feel like getting up again. And then you can tell me how things are at Fort." The invitation is enough to have Lilah sliding to her feet. She moves through his cabin as if she owns it, for all that she is a guest, and gathers both the indicated whiskey and two glasses in her other hand. When she returns to the table, she sets everything down and begins to pour out those two glasses. "Nothing. Nothing that really matters after-- Tell me how things are at High Reaches," she invites, instead. K'del's silent as Lilah fetches the whiskey, though he turns in his seat to watch her go. It's when she speaks again that he crooks an eyebrow, finally shaking his head. "See, that's where you're wrong. To me, anyway. Seems like... after something like that, all the little things start mattering more. She was your age; she had her whole life ahead of her, really. It's... well. We're managing. The holders aren't quite so against us, for once. For now." "She was my age," agrees Lilah as she reaches for one of those glasses to lift to her lips. "She was my age and between the two of us, what have we left in this world? --At least she will be remembered as a hero. I am just the rider with the fucked up gold that couldn't produce a clutch." She exhales a breath, a quiet thing before she swallows whatever else she might have to say down with a quick sip of whiskey. "Fuck the holders. They'll forget soon enough and go back to their demands and whining and everything else." A pause, before she offers in dry suggestion, "You should build a statue of Aishani at Tillek while they still remember." K'del pauses, his glass halfway to his lips, as Lilah says all of that; for now, he's watching her closely. "Do you really feel that way? I know... I know it's got to be hard, with Eliyaveith, but... surely there are other ways you can do something that matters?" Lilah does not answer right away, her fingers twisting the glass in her hands this way and that in the firelight before she finally says, "I have been thinking about having a child. But that was before Aishani--." It doesn't stop her from adding dryly, "R'hin implied that I was silly for even thinking about it, and that I should have a better reason." Quietly, after a few seconds of pause, K'del says, "In my experience, children don't solve problems, but they can... well, okay. They can give meaning. In a way. It's not necessarily the right kind of meaning, though. Not everyone is the kind of parent who... who finds everything in their child. Being a dad is amazing, to me. But it's not everything. If it were enough, I'd not've chased my knot so hard." "I have my knot, now. The only one that I will have until Hattie retires or --." Lilah doesn't finish that thought, falling silent instead for a moment as she takes a quick sip from her drink before continuing on with a lighter, "I can't exactly chase a higher knot like you chased yours. I have work, and I have Dice, but it's... not enough. It's not everything, either. You can't honestly say being Weyrleader is everything?" "No," admits K'del. "It's not everything. No one thing ever can be, can it?" And then, slowly, "Always thought it was hard for you goldriders. There's nowhere to go, not unless your senior... and shells, once you're senior, that's pretty much it. There really is nowhere to go. You can try and be better, you can try and improve things, but..." He swishes his whiskey in its glass. "Can't blame you for wanting a child." "But you have Ali and your children, and friends," murmurs Lilah with a thread of quiet, subtle envy in her words. A small smile flickers briefly at her lips, and she lifts her glass in a toast. "To having nowhere to go. Though, to be fair, where do any of us really have to go? Without Thread--. I suppose we could run away and scrape out a holding where no one will look for us." This, K'del allows, with a dip of his head, though instead of commenting, he lifts his own glass to answer that toast. "I could always run away here, be a vineholder forever. Except," he looks wry, "I'd get hopelessly bored, I think. What I was going to say, though... it's nearly six turns, now, since I lost Iolene. And for a long time... being alone is hard. But you do have friends, okay?" Lilah tips her chin, for all that she corrects with a flick of humor, amusement briefly dancing in dark eyes, "Let's be honest, though. Not very many of them, through some fault of my own. But thank you for saying that." Her gaze drops away after a moment, to her whiskey instead to puzzle out some answer in it thoughtfully. "I considered Aishani a friend. And N'rov--." Anything else K'del might have said is put aside at mention of N'rov. "N'rov must be-- know where he's at. Been there, myself. Be a friend to him, Lilah. He probably needs friends more than anyone else, right now." He has to pause to take a long swallow of his drink, at that; no doubt those memories are difficult. "I'm not even sure what to do for him. After Iolene, was there anything-- What helped?" Lilah questions hesitantly, her dark gaze lifting to K'del before she reaches across the table to press her fingers only briefly against his hand comfortingly. K'del's pale blue gaze drops towards his hand, and Lilah's fingers upon it; he sucks in a breath, releasing it before he can admit, "Time. That's all there is, really. But it helps to know there are people around who care. Who'll listen, if you need it." Lilah's touch doesn't linger, a brush before her fingers are back to wrapping around her drink instead. "Thank you. I will keep that in mind. If N'rov even wants to talk to me. We're not close, exactly, but." She falls silent for only a moment before she adds, "At least there will be a hatching soon at Fort. New dragons and Impressions." "Too many people like to pretend that nothing is wrong, and just... avoid the whole thing," recalls K'del, mouth twisting. "I certainly felt better when it was out there in the open. Grief is awkward, but it's not something that should be hidden. It's... the hatching, yes. That's always a positive. It's good to have those things." There is something in the way K'del talks, perhaps, that draws Lilah's attention in a sharper, darker study of the Weyrleader. Those wide eyes only narrow slightly, subtly, as she rakes a look over him above the glass she lifts to her lips. And then she questions, simply, "You still grieve for her, don't you?" "I--" K'del has to stop and take a drink before he can answer that question. "In a way. Yes. It's so... complicated. I loved her, and then after she was dead, I found out all of these things about her, things she'd lied about. For a while, I hated her. Now... I love Ali, and I love the life we have. But there's still so much I wish... so much unfinished business, I suppose." "You want closure," suggests Lilah, questions as she watches the Weyrleader's reaction beneath the dark smudge of lashes and over the edge of her glass. "That is the one thing you can never have with death, K'del. There is no closure. There's just-- death. The end of life." K'del exhales, long and hard and sharp. "Yes," he agrees, finally. "That's just it. In a way, it's the same with Aishani, because... she and I will never have a chance to understand each other. And it's not that I ever thought we would, but... now there's no chance at all." His gaze flicks back up towards the goldrider, mouth corning up in one corner. "Didn't mean to go all maudlin on you." Lilah promises seriously despite that little smile of his, assuring him, "I can handle a little maudlin. I've had my fair share of maudlin myself. I just-- I'm sorry." And to show her sympathy, she moves to refill both of their glasses with a generous, unmeasured splash of whiskey. "It's her fault, for letting everything that happened before get in the way. And yours, I'm sure. Maybe you never had a chance even if she'd lived forever." It's just a little nod that K'del responds with, but it's there; so's the smile that accompanies it. "My fault for executing her father, the criminal. Hers, for being unable to let go of the idea of vengeance and hatred. Mine, for... well, lots of things. And so it goes." He reaches for his glass again, swirling the liquid in it before he sips. "So. Not something I should dwell on too much. It just... is." "No. I suppose I should figure out something to distract you, then, since I'm the one who brought it up," Lilah offers, agreeing with a soft sympathy there as she studies K'del for a moment. "It's only another two months until my birthday, again." That, abruptly, makes K'del grin. "That time already, huh? Got something else in mind for celebrating, this time around?" "Not yet. Something else I have never done, but I am not sure what that will be. If it is something that I can drag you along to, I will be sure to let you know," promises Lilah with a smile finally slipping onto her lips as well. "Or, if I can't think of anything else, we can go skinny dipping somewhere warm this time." The corners of K'del's smile twitch for this. "If it's something I can assist with-- within reason-- do let me know," he confirms, cheerfully. "But yes, if it's skinny dipping again, we're definitely going south. Brrr." "I don't usually consider myself unreasonable, but since you had to establish it-- Now, I am curious what you thought I might ask you to do," teases Lilah lightly, her brows curving upwards as she takes a sip of her whiskey. "I'm afraid," says K'del, still grinning, "that I don't trust anyone to not come up with truly heinous things for me. People have imaginations and sometimes I'm terrified of them." He reclaims his own glass, sipping it thoughtfully before he adds, "Maybe I've just known too many devious people." Lilah's lips curve into a crooked smile, as she points out mildly, "And now you're suggesting that I am so devious, conniving woman who happens to be unreasonable. You are such a flatterer." "Clearly, I'm paranoid." K'del aims for light, though there's a note of ruefulness in there. "Been burnt too many times by too many people. But don't worry-- I'll learn to trust you eventually." "Maybe you are right not to trust me," is all Lilah counters in her own light words, lifting her glass to finish the last of it before setting it back down. She doesn't reach to pour herself a third glass, but nor does she move to stand and leave, yet. To that, K'del raises an eyebrow. "Do you think of yourself as not trustworthy, Lilah?" He doesn't move to refill the glasses, either, though he does attempt to catch the goldrider's gaze and hold it, if he can. "It's not as if we all haven't done things, right?" Her dark gaze manages to meet his steadily, Lilah's head tipping only slightly before she adds, "If I had to do the wrong thing for the right reason... If it came down to myself or Eliyaveith or my Weyr between you or anyone else--." "No, no that just makes sense." K'del dismisses that with a shake of his head. "Can't blame people for that. Sometimes we have to make difficult decisions, and... well, it just is what it is." He nudges his empty glass aside, now, and exhales. "If you go through life sacrificing your own health and happiness at all turns... it just doesn't work. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish." Lilah's lips twist into a smile, and as she pushes to her feet, she only adds quietly, softly, "If only you knew the things I've done--." She shakes her head, though, in dismissal rather than telling K'del. "Fort's duties. I hope High Reaches is able to properly mourn the loss of its queen and that you will have another, soon." There's a challenge in K'del's expression: tell him. Trust him. He doesn't echo it out-loud, though, and instead says, simply, "Thank you. High Reaches' to Fort, too - and our best wishes for your upcoming hatching. It was good to see you, Lilah. Stay well." The expression puts a moment's hesitation to Lilah's retreat, a considering look, but she only ends up nodding to the Weyrleader before she steps out of his cabin, to go pry her dragon away from the shelter of Cadejoth and into the cold night. |
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