Logs:Lost Light
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| RL Date: 2 June, 2015 |
| Who: Aislara |
| Involves: Fort Weyr |
| Type: Vignette |
| What: The aftermath of Aislara's pregnancy |
| Where: Infirmary, Fort Weyr / Aislara's Weyr, Fort Weyr |
| When: Day 6, Month 1, Turn 38 (Interval 10) |
| Mentions: Nala/Mentions |
| OOC Notes: References miscarriage |
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| At the first hope of a child, Aislara had quietly declared, "I'll never let you go." She had risked more than she realized when she had opened Ryerith's flight and welcomed the suitors that followed. It had done enough damage that Aislara was made to realize it might not have been worth it. And then it had proven to be worth it. Hope was born upon the wings of the dragons' passion. As the sun descended each day over a tiny handful of sevendays, hope burgeoned into a growing reality. When she closed her eyes, Aislara felt that she'd be alright. She'd hum a quiet lullaby and dream. The dream of a growing life inside her and the squalling of a baby being born. All she had to do was close her eyes to dream. Hope was a growing thing and with each sunset and each sunrise it grew larger. But the shadows came in and killed that light. By the time Aislara made it to the Infirmary with Nala at her side she could feel the convulsions of her abdomen. Her greatest fear met the greenrider as she was ushered inside by the murmurings of the Healers. Aislara had clung to Nala as she whispered, "Don't leave me here." She had meant it to the life growing inside. At the morning light of another day, Aislara realized her hope and dream would be no more. /Gone/. Aislara succumbed to her fate. No amount of closing her eyes, of willing herself and the child to be alright, would bring it back. No lullabies or promises of being safe had stopped the inevitable. The sun went down as the tears streamed down her face. "I had promised to never let her go," she sobbed, clinging to those who were there to support her. There was nothing to be done. Her body dictated its own terms and it choose to not allow her to keep the baby. /Their baby/. Ryerith was firmly planted in her consciousness. With her there and Nala at her side, Aislara knew she shouldn't feel alone. But oh, how alone she felt. Aislara awoke from an induced stupor with a start. Her hand instantly went to her abdomen but she knew that emptiness. There was no life there anymore. The tears came unbidden as she turned to smother her sobs into her pillow. She didn't want to wake those around her. Ryerith had remained outside despite the cold and her warmth enveloped her. The tickle of ribbons and the tinkling of chimes soothed Aislara's tired and distraught mind. « We loved it. We love it still. Even though the child is gone » /Gone/. « Hold onto the lullaby. We will always remember that she existed. » The music was gone. It all was gone. She was full of emptiness. Aislara had been so scared to hope. She had counted down the days, calculated the risks, felt the burgeoning hope that time had given her. She would not bare this weight of loss on her own this time. Nala knew. Hattie knew. Ryerith always knew. Between the two of them, Ryerith and Aislara had always found solace for the smaller losses. There were so many things to blame for those. This time had felt different. Only it wasn't. « You will be alright. I am here. » Aislara wasn't so sure she would ever be alright. She had to find a way to be. She knew that. People depended on her. She had weyrlings to train and more promised. She had a purpose outside of being a mother. Still, it would take time to reconcile that the one thing she most wanted to be was not to be. "At this point," the woman told her, reaching for a hand Aislara refused to give her. "We don't know if you could ever keep a child full term. It may be kinder to yourself if you stopped trying. Utilize Between and don't..," "I'm ready to go home," Aislara interrupted, rising from her bed. She had stayed two days. Two days because she hadn't had the will to leave before then, because leaving would mean the finality of what had happened. The emptiness she felt could not be undone. She spent the third day in her bed. She asked everyone to leave her. Ryerith would never leave her - could never leave her. The green's mental presence was always in the back of her mind. A steady hum of being. Even as Aislara willed the world to go away the reminder that it went on was there against her mind. Aislara let herself wonder about other losses. Was this the loss that green felt when she took herself Between? The loss of a dream that did not greet her when she came looking? Aislara ached with the knowledge of that greens plight on a level she had not realized before. She had once risked everything to find Ryerith. She had hoped upon a hope that would have been refused her had she allowed others to dictate their terms. She had been too young yet still she pursued that dream. The scars that Aislara fingered along her neck and down her side dictated the realization that her actions had consequences. It was one of the hardest lessons she had ever learned. Her body could not hold onto a child. She had tried. And tried. And tried. This last time had pushed her past the faintest hope to a real hope that was not fulfilled. Aislara would feel that loss, and feel it deeply, for the rest of her life. She had different scars now. But the same lesson had come from them. Let go. Life would go on. And so would she. Come morning light, there'd be a new day. For now, the warmth of her bed and the warmth of Ryerith's mind against hers and the promise of Nala, the promise of finding another way to be, gave Aislara the smallest flicker of hope. She had lost her light. She might find another. In time. |
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Comments
Cass (23:20, 17 June 2015 (EDT)) said...
Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no. :( I have nothing more intelligent than that to say right now.
Kaleidoscope (10:38, 19 June 2015 (EDT)) said...
So moving! Poor Aislara and a beautifully written vignette. I love the language choices; they made so many moments in it feel poignant within a larger moment that is naturally sad. <3
Faryn (01:21, 20 June 2015 (EDT)) said...
I've been quietly stalking this plot arc and this breaks my heart. ;-; It's so beautifully expressed. And so so sad.
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