Logs:Old Hurts and Headway

Old Hurts and Headway
Guilt trip? What guilt trip?
RL Date: 22 September, 2015
Who: H'vier, Lycinea
Involves: High Reaches Weyr
Type: Log
What: H'vier and Lycinea talk with the help of alcohol and a walk in the crisp outdoors.
Where: Snowasis and Bowl, High Reaches Weyr
When: Day 18, Month 11, Turn 38 (Interval 10)

Mentions: Lilah/Mentions, Tahvra/Mentions, Tayre/Mentions, Tayte/Mentions, Tess/Mentions, Vikram/Mentions, Yvalia/Mentions




She used to come to Snowasis only for the food, but tonight Lya sits with a low glass that looks decidedly alcoholic. She's settled in one of the quieter booths, the hour late enough now that seats aren't so much in demand though the bar doesn't lack for patrons. Open on the table is a book and her pencil flies fluidly across the page, head bent and manner concentrated. The world around her doesn't presently seem to hold much interest though she draws the occasional eye in her pale pink blouse and long grey skirt, her hair done up in a simple but fancy looking braid. When H'vier arrives, he ends up at the bar. Since he's not looking for anyone in particular and his present wingriders are only grouped by friendly association, the bronzerider settles onto a stool with his back to Lycinea while he waits for his drink to arrive. He doesn't move except to drink it once it comes. It's a sit by yourself at the bar kind of night, evidently. He doesn't even bother looking at the pretty girl who comes up beside him to order a drink of her own before slipping away again. Lycinea's departure from her table isn't immediate. When she finishes her drink, she rises, tucking her things away into a patchwork bag that she then slings over her shoulder. Heading to the bar, she slides in between H'vier's stool and the next, empty glass coming to rest on the counter. "Havi," she greets, tilting her face to look at him askance. H'vier turns his head to look at the young blonde who says his name like he needs to do so to know who it is. Maybe he does, considering how long she's been gone. "Lya," he returns, glancing over his shoulder briefly before he's taking another drink and looking at the bottles behind the bar. "I'm out of marks for drink," says she who used to not drink at all. Lya turns enough that she's oriented more or less toward him, "Want to go for a walk?" perhaps could have as easily been 'want to buy me a drink' but maybe the slender blonde has her reasons. The question she ends up asking is pretty obviously not the one H'vier was expecting her to ask. He turns his head toward her again, brows furrowed, "A walk to where?" He finishes off the rest of his whiskey and lifts a hand to catch the bartender's attention again. "I figure to the place by the lake where there's those benches and back. I need some fresh air and starts before I sleep." Lya has a wan smile that twists into a stronger look as a slight edge of teasing ekes into her face. Her voice falls to a hush, as if this were some private secret shared (or joke she didn't want repeated, more like). "You never know what sort of asshole might be lurking out in the dark to take advantage of the unsuspecting." His brow furrowing isn't much improved by these comments, but H'vier at least doesn't seem upset by the implication. Or excited, for that matter, depending on how a man might look at it. He pulls a flask out of an inner pocket of his jacket and hands it over to the bartender. "Just fill that up," he says, then adds to Lycinea, "Fine." They just need to wait for his booze. Lycinea busies herself while waiting for him, placing her bag on the empty stool Next to him to pull out a sweater stuffed within it and pull it on over her head before resettling the bag. When he's ready, she'll lead out to the patio ledge and down to the bowl with a light, quick step for all that her comparatively short strides probably make it easy for the large man to keep up. She doesn't speak until they're well into the bowl. "Shame, can't see the stars though the clouds," is observed with a pang of honest regret in her voice. H'vier tucks his flask back into his pocket and makes sure the tender is well compensated before he's following Lycinea out into the bowl. He has no particular need to fill the silence and he looks at her when she finally says something before glancing up at the sky. "You could see them if you got above the clouds. Or went somewhere with no clouds. Somewhere warmer than here." He's been here for this long and the former Istan is still complaining about the inevitable chill of winter. "Could, but I've no wings and no want to be anywhere else just now." The blonde reaches an arm to try to tuck it through one of his, as if they were at one of the gathers they used to attend together. "I'm sorry I wasn't stronger, Havi, sorry I needed to leave here." Lya doesn't look at him, but her expression holds candor. The arm she tucks hers around bends reflexively to give her something easier to hang on to. It takes a minute or so for H'vier to say anything, head tilted to watch her for a few steps. "You don't need to apologize to me, Lya. What you do with your life is your business." It's another moment before he asks, "Did you find what you were looking for?" "I know," the 'but' goes unspoken. "We didn't part well. Friends don't stop being friends just because one of them is an ass and the other's been broken." Lya answers with a seriousness that lacks any kind of a tease. It's not the moment. "It's probably for the best, what happened. I'd've been with you that night if things had gone differently, and not for any of the right reasons, only the ones that would've made things worse and awkward and an experience that--" She bites her lip, seeming to think better of wherever that waterfalll of words was headed. "I found more of me. I found healing. Some courage even by putting one foot in front of the other when things felt impossible. I don't know what I was looking for when I went, but I think I found more than I expected to." H'vier could probably argue about friends not being friends anymore, but he doesn't. He's quiet, letting her say what she wants to say without his interruption or input. And when she's done, he doesn't apologize, either. He only says, "I'm proud of you, Lya. And I'm happy that you seem happier." Not particularly H'vier-ish things to say, but, despite something distant about the way he says it, he doesn't sound insincere. "I'm not going anywhere," Lya has as answer for that, or rather, in answer to his look, a thing she takes in with a turn of her head. "Short of being dumped off a dragon somewhere I can't get back from," her tone suggests that would be some feat, "I'm not going anywhere. And you can keep pushing me away if that's what you want, but it's not going to take, Havi. It's wasted effort," understand? She looks up at the larger man with an arched brow, the dim light of the bowl showing that much. The bronzerider looks like he might be willing to argue with her about it taking, but ultimately, after a few moments to consider her words, H'vier says, "I'm not trying to push you away. I know you'll get your way regardless of what I want." To some extent or another. "I do make it a habit of being uninvited." Lycinea observes with a touch of humor in the words. "Have you had friends, since-" Lilah, "-to be with you? Sometimes what is too hard to face alone can be made better by company, even company that can't understand." This must have been her experience at any rate. "I don't have friends, Lya." They've had this conversation before. "Reisoth was there. And I'm fine now." H'vier is totally fine. Better than ever. Good as new. Obviously. "If you wanted to feel sorry for me, you should've come home sooner." "I don't feel sorry for you, Havi; I never have." Lya's words come quietly, but the strength of the curl of her arm around his doubles as if this might keep him from shaking her off should he be so inclined. Perhaps it's meant to be comforting. "I hear you don't love someone and lose them without wounds and that they don't heal quick. I don't know about loving a someone, but I know about wounds that don't heal quick. She doesn't bother to protest the matter of H'vier having friends; it's an old argument and clearly she thinks so little of it that she doesn't even need to correct him. "Feeling sorry for someone doesn't do them any good. I don't know that anything really ever helps the wounds but time. Time, space, distance. I think it must be harder when you don't know the thing that hurts you won't come back and hurt you all over again." That's said with an odd, thoughtful quality to her voice. "Easier to imagine when you wouldn't want to when there's no clear 'end' to a thing." Through the grip of her arm, the bodily shiver can be felt running through the young woman whose eyes are now looking straight on where they're heading; it could be the effect of the crisp night air. "She won't." Of that, H'vier seems certain. "I don't want to talk about her, Lya. I don't want to talk about any of it. It doesn't do anyone any good for me to be upset about it. And if she couldn't even be fucked to tell me what was going on, then she doesn't deserve for me to upset that she's gone." There's no discernible emotion in his voice when he says it, only dispassionate conviction. "Okay," but that acceptance doesn't stop Lycinea from seeking to swing in front of him to wrap her arms around his waist in an embrace likely meant as some variety of comfort. Maybe, maybe it's just because she missed him. Whether comfort or not, H'vier doesn't try to deny the embrace. He stops and lets her arms wrap around him. He even strokes a hand over the back of her head before his hand settles on her back. "Thank you," he murmurs, just loud enough for her to be able to hear him. There's only a tip of her head to acknowledge his words. Lya stays put some moments and then shifts back to take his arm again and continue the walk. "So, do you go to gathers much nowadays?" It's onto lighter topics, it would seem. "Suppose I've lost my taste for them. I've been working, mostly." It's something for H'vier to focus on that isn't getting into fights or hitting on women who are inappropriately too young for him. "Have you made it to many?" "Not as many as you'd imagine being with traders." Lya answers with wry look and small smile. "I have learned to bargain down a price, though, so if we decided to go, I could get you much better deals on whatever you buy," 'for me' isn't said, but it might be part of the thoughts. She's considerate that way. "Working is good, I suspect. Is Reisoth pleased with your work ethic?" It's asked with some speculation, "You could tell him that I've not got air sick in a long time and we could go to a gather, if you've time between your hides." "How do you know I wasn't getting good deals to begin with?" asks H'vier. "I supposed I wouldn't mind watching you argue with vendors, regardless." As for his dragon, "Reisoth is the reason I work. If not for him, I might still be passed out drunk in my weyr. Though that doesn't sound half bad at the moment." There's a pause, then, "No offense. You'd be welcome to join me. So long as you haven't become a thief." H'vier reaches into his jacket for his flask as he adds, "I could probably make time to take you somewhere. So long as you don't expect much of me." The days have passed since he wanted her to play his date, evidently. "I didn't say you got poor deals to begin with," Lya counters breezily, "only that I could get you better now." See what a good arguer she is? She flashes him a smile. "I might steal a sweet roll or something else delicious if you have them sent up, but by and large I'm no more trouble than I was when I left." There's an innocent look to prove it. "I might come by for cards some night. I might even promise not to cheat. But I'm getting my own room, with just one roommate," which she makes sound blissful. "I'll want you to dance," she stipulates a moment later. "Can you manage that still? I might not even ask you to enjoy yourself." Might. "That's basically what you said," H'vier tells her, probably sounding more serious than he really is. "And you were a lot of trouble before you left," he points out. "Maybe if I have enough to drink first. I don't know why you wouldn't want to dance with some handsome holder boy, though. I can only imagine they'd be more than happy to oblige you." H'vier unscrews the top of his flask and takes a drink. "I would want you to enjoy yourself." Regardless of whether he enjoys himself, presumably. Lycinea's nose wrinkles, "Firstly because... ugh, holder." Need she say more? "Secondly, because you're nice enough to look at and some handsome holder boy might think I'm interested in doing more than just dancing." Her hand reaches up to chase his flask when he's done sipping, to steal it (belying her previous statements about thievery and perhaps proving his point about how much trouble she's apt to be) and take a swallow for herself, making a face but not coughing. "Any boy might think you're interested in more at any given time. That doesn't mean you should avoid having fun with them." H'vier lets her take the flask but he frowns for a moment, perhaps nostalgic. "I'm not sure how I feel about you drinking." "That's good advice," Lycinea's allowance may not be wholly sincere. She sips again pointedly. "Are you just trying to get out of dancing?" seems a legitimate question. "The drinking is good for taking the edge off. For the chill. For the memories. You get used to the taste when the rest outweighs it. Besides, you can feel any which way you like about it, but it won't stop me from indulging." A pause before a very innocent challenge is issued, "Unless you fancy trying to keep your flask away from me." If he can reclaim it in the first place might be part of the baiting in her message. "The faster you drink it, the sooner I'm going to have to go find more," says H'vier, evidently not in the mood to chase her for his flask back right this moment. But, "Don't think I can't still throw you over my shoulder and take you back to my weyr." And nothing good ever happens there. "Then I won't drink much." Lya answers. With her frame, that's probably for the best. She'll even hand it back to him after another sip. "If you couldn't or wouldn't, then I might worry that I should be finding you a mindhealer." The tone is light, though her next lilts a little toward teasing. "It's part of your Havi-ness and charm." "I tried seeing a mindhealer," he admits like it could be an interesting fact to someone who cares more than he does. "It didn't last very long. She must not have liked my Havi-ness and charm very much." Like most people, might be implied by the deadpan way he says it. "If you were smart, you'd waste your time on someone else, Lya." "You did?" is earnest surprise that earns him an equally earnest reevaluation by upturned eyes. "If I'm wasting my time anyway, I don't see why I should waste it with someone else if I'd rather your company. We are friends, after all," is accompanied by a smile that means he'll not get anywhere arguing with her on that score. "What were you seeing a mindhealer about anyway?" is curious and genuinely seeming to not presume. H'vier puts his flask away after taking another gulp out of it. There's a brief glance down at the girl and then he's looking out over the dim shadows of the bowl. "My temper, mostly. But I've come to realize that it's not controlling my temper that's the problem. It's letting people get close enough that I care whether I hurt them or not." "Mm," isn't challenging, and "Is that the problem," isn't a question. The blonde lapses into silence. Lya walks some paces onward before speaking again. "So how do you keep people away when they're determined to get close?" "I try very hard not to care about them." It's difficult to tell whether H'vier is trying to make a joke or not, but it wouldn't really be out of the norm for him. Never mind that he's not entirely acting like himself. "Why would anyone be determined to get close to me?" He knows how people feel about him, after all. "Mm, well, I was crazy once, so you could blame it on that," Lya's humor has an edge of feigned dourness. "I imagine some, you perhaps, would have told me it's poor judgment. Either way, I suppose you're really quite stuck." She says this quite nonchalantly, it's just repetition of the point she's been making all along. "You do have poor judgment." H'vier won't mince words about this little fact, but it does make him smile, so there's that. "Suppose if I wanted to be rid of you so badly, it'd be pretty easy to get a transfer off to somewhere else. Maybe back to Ista. Or somewhere South." He even sounds a little wistful. "Wow," Lya's word comes dryly, "I guess I've vastly underestimated my ability to annoy. What makes you think I wouldn't just start showing up in your weyr wherever you got off to? I am annoyingly persistent when I want to be." There's certainly enough of a track record to prove that true. "I don't think you like me well enough to bother showing up in another Weyr." H'vier says to her. "You managed not to visit me for a whole turn. I'm not really sure why you're even here right now. Or what you expect to happen between us." Because it's always been pretty far off from H'vier's expectations, obviously. And she should know better than that by now. "I managed not to visit anyone for a whole turn." Lya answers with a shrug. "Don't take it personally. If I recall, though you mightn't like me to, the last time we really spoke you were trying to get me to wait alone on a foreign beach while you went and got your rocks off. Even if that hadn't been the case, I didn't see anyone from home all turn, except you that once, by pure chance, on that beach." She takes a breath before saying, "I don't know what I expect to happen between us. I know I'm home, for good. I know that we were friends once and that I'd like to be again. You may have made me feel a lot of different things," not all of them good, judging by the delivery, "but you never made me feel invisible. Until the beach. And even then..." She makes a sort of helpless gesture to indicate it wasn't really invisibility. There's a grunt in answer to her recollection. H'vier remembers it just fine. "I wasn't trying to make you feel bad. I was trying to be what you needed me to be." But that's all the defense he offers for himself. "I don't even know what I need me to be, let alone anyone else." After a moment, he adds, "I stopped visiting Tahvra and Tayre. I think that'll be better for them. So long as Yvalia doesn't come scold me for it." There's a briefly fond, but sad, sort of smile, and then a sigh to match it. "I just needed you to be there," is simple explanation, "but that was a long time ago. We don't need to talk about it." That Lya offers that much doesn't stop her from saying, "That's probably what your kids need, too. But I'm not a parent, so I only know what it's like to be without parents." Her shoulders rise and fall in a shrug. Guilt trip? What guilt trip? "They aren't going to be without parents. They have Tayte and the man she's with. They can come to the Weyr when they're older, if they want." H'vier looks at Lycinea. He probably figures they won't want to. "It's normal for children to be fostered. They don't even have to deal with that." "Have you met him?" Lya wonders of the man who would be father to H'vier's children. "How old are they now?" The kids. "It is normal for children to be fostered," she allows, "but that doesn't mean that it's good for every child who is." She grimaces briefly. "How do you know they'll be better off without your love?" "Briefly. We mostly avoid paths. But she trusts him," says H'vier of the other man and the woman he loved once. "Tahvra is four. Nearly five. And Tayre will be three soon. How do you know they won't be better off without me?" The way H'vier asks it suggests he's well aware that neither of them know either way. "Mm," is a sound that at once observes and implies things in the pregnant silence that follows about Tayte's judgment of character. It might even be at odds with the way that Lya shrugs. "You love them, right?" "Of course I do," he says reflexively, as though that's not, and shouldn't be, in question. "But my duty is to Reisoth. And to my wing. To the Weyr." H'vier's voice is more firm about that. He's not enjoying talking about functionally abandoning his children. "Then that's how I know they wouldn't be better off without you. Children need love or they end up... Well." Lya rolls her shoulders with uncharacteristic discomfort and self-consciousness. "In any case, you don't have to put them above any of that to love them and be a part of their lives." This is a way of moving on from what might be more vulnerable issues. "I think I'd like to go home now," says the bronzerider, glancing up unconsciously toward where home is. "You can come with, if you want. But I fully intend on drinking until I fall asleep." At least H'vier is being honest. That's not always the case. Lya's look at H'vier is measuring and thoughtful beyond what she takes from it. "Another night maybe. I'd like to walk on a while yet." She gestures the way they'd been going before releasing his arm with an awkward sort of pat to the back of his forearm. "Drink water too," she recommends by way of showing she must care at least some, even if she'll not protest the action at this juncture. She's offered an informal salute, for both her rejection and advice, and H'vier starts to turn away so he can meet the dragon who's now circling the bowl. "Try not to run away again, Lya," is what he'll recommend to her. He must care, too.

Comments

Jo (20:31, 26 September 2015 (PDT)) said...

There's something interesting, here. I like this dynamic between them. It's interesting insight seeing how Havi copes, too.

Alida (21:03, 26 September 2015 (PDT)) said...

I too am finding this 'new' H'vier very interesting to watch.

Tela (10:43, 27 September 2015 (PDT)) said...

Hi, Tayte! *waves madly* I mean, you're not in this scene but you're referred to which is almost as good!

Seriously, this was so fun to see where H'vier and Lya are now, and with each other! Rategar has a while to go before he can match H'vier, I think. Unless H'vier's gone soft? I don't know! It's sweet though.

Rategar (10:45, 27 September 2015 (PDT)) said...

Rategar's starting to think Reachian women are just born with razors in their mouths! He needs lessons from H'vier.