Logs:Refining the Rules
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| RL Date: 5 August, 2014 |
| Who: K'zin, Telavi |
| Involves: High Reaches Weyr |
| Type: Log |
| What: K'zin and Telavi work out alternatives for after his flights. |
| Where: Artful Artifice Weyr |
| When: Day 13, Month 6, Turn 35 (Interval 10) |
| Mentions: Aishani/Mentions, Quinlys/Mentions, V'ros/Mentions |
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| K'zin had been silent a long time at dinner. Not that it was unusual when they bought food up to his big table for him to be silent while stuffing his face, after all these are the hard choices in life: stuff your face or talk. But he wasn't eating and hadn't been. That could only mean he was thinking long and hard about something and probably wasn't really listening to a word of Telavi's story of the day with the weyrlings. Bad boyfriend! "...and then they drowned each other in the lake," Telavi narrates, "and everyone was really sad and then the harpers played a sad song and then everyone was so sad that they drowned themselves too, except one harper who recorded it for posterity before he joined in, and then the lake was so full that it ran across the Bowl and then Ista bought it for a summer home, bodies and all, the end." By that time she has her elbows on the table, primly enough to look polite, and is half-smiling at K'zin over her interlaced hands. If he looks over, her brows go up. He does look over when she stops talking. "That's... I'm sorry. I wasn't listening." At least he cops to it. But whatever points he earns for saying so are probably lost by him not asking what it was she was trying to tell him. Instead, K'zin is saying. "Tela, I was thinking." Probably not a promising start. "What about flights? Like-- when I lose. And Ras is-- you know how I am after flights. What about that. With us. Since flights don't count, is it when I lose, too? Or just...?" Points earned, points lost, Telavi sits straighter now that he's been thinking; it's her wrists that rest on the table now, on its edge. She nods; she does know. She doesn't look back towards the ledge. When he's trailed off at last, she doesn't immediately pick up the conversational thread either, much less secure it into stitches; when she does, her voice is quiet. "It's not as though I'm-- available as often, is it." Perhaps she thinks the weyrlings don't need to see their assistant weyrlingmaster hauled off to be ravished. "Even when I want to be." K'zin is suddenly more attentive after that pause. Maybe it's the quietness that makes him sit all the straighter. "He'll start chasing again soon." He imparts the information earnestly. "He's been increasingly interested." This isn't something K'zin feels the need to apologize for. It is what it is. "I can't always pull you away, and sometimes I can't get back from wherever in time if he's had a bad flight..." Sometimes he sulks, macholy. "He might even make up for lost time," Telavi says with a small smile, no apology-hunting here. "And sometimes it's just so very urgent." See? She understands. She does. She's a good greenrider. "Were you thinking... completely like won flights? ... I'm sorry; I know it would be easier if I rode a male dragon too." He's still watching her intently. It's not in his nature to answer a question with a question but a mixture of confusion and curiosity demand he does this time. "Is there a way besides completely? What do you mean by completely anyway?" K'zin tilts his head. See? He's being a mature boyfriend about this. Thoughtful. So thoughtful! Telavi can think about it first, too, though she doesn't for very long; her hands wave in the air, "Well... you asked about won flights, second rounds and all... of course, you can't pick then, but at least with a loss maybe you could? Just men or something?" She waits; will K'zin insist that no, his needs require the full smorgasbord? His answer isn't long in coming. "I can try, Tela. But there aren't always willing male partners. And depending on the flight... I can't necessarily promise I'll have that much control. You know how I can be." Now he's at least a little apologetic. "I suppose it's not always easy to tell, is it?" Telavi contributes by way of being fair. "Since you all don't hang signs around your neck by way of advertising." Perhaps under other circumstances, a dimple might show, but not so much just now. "And I don't want it to feel all... ugh Tela made me ugh ugh I hate it," she admits, looking down at the table's edge before glancing up again. K'zin thinks on this a long time in silence. Finally, he scoots his chair back and moves around the side of the table to Telavi, offering down his hand. "Come with me?" If she's willing, he'll lead them over to the plush rugs in front of the hearth and sit cross-legged, wanting to bring the greenrider into his lap. Like Old Times, but with less study materials and one hearth that wasn't there before. She goes willingly, hand in hand, eyes to his; gladly, even, to not have even a corner of the table between them. Glad, too, to settle into K'zin's lap; it's been a good place to be for long enough that it doesn't take long to adjust so they're comfortable, and her soft exhalation releases at least a little of the residual tension there. The familiar pose has K'zin relaxing too, leaning back on his hands and looking at her. Then abruptly he leans up to kiss her, briefly. "I needed to do that first." It's said a little awkwardly, but that's nothing compared to what he says next. If Tela thought his 'getting to know her' was an interrogation, this can't be so much better, but he's obviously trying. Hard. "I want to talk to- no, with," he corrects himself, "with you about how I feel." Yep, he said it. Awkwardly, but he said it. Kiss: good. Brief: not so good. 'First': ominous. Having to try: ominous. Trying: not so ominous and possibly kind of wonderful. Tela breathes in, breathes out, so when her eyes meet his again it can be as receptively as she can. She does have to lift and lower her shoulders, though, before she says quietly, "I'm listening, K'zin." This is probably as far as he'd gotten with anything planned in the long moment before getting up from the table. So far it had all gone perfectly. "Sorry if I ramble," he starts, "I don't -- feelings ... Talking. You know?" Hopefully with their long acquaintance she knows he's given more to blowing up with bottled feelings than this bizarre talking notion. He doesn't have more explanation for her though before he starts. "It feels like my life is full of limits and can'ts right now. Maybe it wouldn't feel so oppressive if the timing had been better, but... Can't fly, now can't fly too far or too long. Can't chase. Can't do duties properly or be put in a normal rotation. Can't fit in. Doesn't feel like home," rambling! "Can't sleep with whoever. And all the can'ts come with tremendous consequences. I don't want to lose you. Or hurt you. Or make you mad. It just feels like so much outside of the two of us that was fun before has been stripped away entirely." He pauses here to ask, "Am I making any sense at all?" She knows; she nods. Tela reaches up, then, to curve her hands behind K'zin's neck and along the warm muscle there, stroking slowly as though she might reassure him; the movement slows further as he continues, pausing-- oppressive-- but gradually, purposely, resumes. She nods. She listens. She hears him. Her fingertips feather into his hair for not fitting in, not feeling like home. The next time she nods, her head stays bowed. "I'm sorry," she says finally, quietly. Then she nods one more time. "Don't be," is swiftly given in answer to her words. "I'm just--" what is he just? He doesn't seem to know how to articulate it. So he moves on, "And none of that begins to touch on all the can'ts in my relationship with Him. Can't drink, gamble or fight except by his leave. Can't talk about some things. Can't even sharding dress as I once did." Probably no one is really sorry about that. "I just feel so limited. Like I'm not even making decisions anymore but navigating some complicated maze made by all the decisions that have come before." He looks at her, eyes shifting from where they'd strayed to the fire. "And I don't know what to do. I'm not happy with it, and some of it will go away in time and maybe that's all I need. But it's hard now." She looks up after all, early on, searching out his expression before tipping her gaze again to listen; perhaps it might be too much for either of them for her to look too long. 'Can't dress'-- her breath catches, but that's all; it's the maze that gets a soft not-quite-syllable as acknowledgment, and then she's meeting his gaze again, reaching to cup the side of his face with one hand. "I knew it was hard but not like that-- oh, K'zin. I wish I could fix it for you, I wish someone could." 'In time' is hard. He leans his cheek into her hand and lets out a sigh that takes with it some of the tension. "I wish that too." His brows furrow, and then totally on topic, "You guys should try to go easy on V'ros. Not like letting him get away with things, but trying to be understanding and just make sure he knows there's always people to help even if they don't know what it's like." V'ros. He brings up V'ros? Telavi is not mushy for V'ros; undoubtedly everyone's happier that way. She straightens up some as she adjusts, hand resettling to K'zin's shoulder as she asks, "What kind of help?" "I don't know." K'zin admits. "Zmeyth is a strong personality. Quinlys told him he should talk to me. Only he wants to be able to do something I've never been able to do." The bronzerider shifts under her a little before clarifying, "Different in personality, I gather, but still one of those that seeks to impose his will on his rider. And really, I've always thought it a little unreasonable to expect the rider to just be able to be stronger. Like it was simple." He brings one hand up to scrub across his face. Just to make sure, "What does he want to be able to do? ...Be stronger?" Tela asks. "Find a balance. A give and take." K'zin doesn't hide from Tela that Ras is generally in charge. Obviously "balance" is not K'zin's strong suit. "Wouldn't it be strange if somehow he managed and helped you," Tela murmurs wryly. "I managed to ground Ras before he hurt himself chasing after Iesaryth, but let's not get carried away with high hopes." K'zin answers in a mockingly serious tone. "Mmm." That comes out quite a bit more reminiscently than Tela's quick addition of, "Couldn't have that, of course not. Besides, he's a weyrling, nowhere near graduation into enlightenment." "Right." K'zin agrees with a smile that fades a moment later along with his sigh. "It might not be the right answer, Tela, but with flight losses, I can come to you when I can, try to find a willing man when I can't, but I don't know if I'll be able to control things when I'm still more him than me." He looks apologetic now. "And I'm sorry there's no easy equivalent. Do you-- I don't know. Do you want to go back to being non-exclusive but still loving each other? Maybe with different rules?" "I know." That he doesn't know? That he won't always be in control? Either way, Tela leans to kiss him. But before anything more, "Didn't... you say it would be too oppressive? Trying?" She might not forget that word any time soon. "No?" K'zin means 'No.' but his confusion makes it sound like a question. "All of it together, the maze," he uses a hand to indicate 'all,' "that's what's oppressive. I didn't say I wouldn't try. What I'm saying now is I'm not sure how faithfully I can promise." There is brow movement, but it's followed by a released breath that doesn't quite make it to an oh. "How does this sound," Tela wonders. "Go with what you want to do-- like you did for a while before he was hurt?" Back before they promised, after he stopped making the rounds, "And men would be nicer but-- if you're not with me, bring the story back to me?" Yes, kiss and tell. "And after he's been chasing more for about a month? Or so? Ish? We can see how we're doing if we haven't before." K'zin's lips are pulled into a little bit of a frown. "Would you be happy with that?" And just in case she thinks to tell him what she thinks he wants to or needs to hear, he takes his turn cupping her cheek and stroking with his thumb, his look very earnest and searching. That's not exactly conducive for talking; Tela's gaze unfocuses, and her lips curve, turning into his hand to rest there for a moment before she finally lifts her eyes to his once more. "For flights, I'd hope so." K'zin should get points for not looking like he's realizing she means only for flights. Instead he strokes her cheek one last time and says, I'd ask if there was anyone you'd really rather I didn't sleep with ever, but..." He grimaces. "That could backfire." "It really could," Tela murmurs, and fails to get points for not looking towards the ledge, even if it's just a flicker of a glance. It's her turn to search his expression then, and also ask once she's readjusted the way she sits a little-- there's more than one way to get a cramp-- "Is that better? Does it help the way you want?" "It makes me less concerned I'm going to hurt you when I'm not myself, which eases some worries, yes." K'zin's answer finally comes in a round about sort of way. His expression is still thoughtful, but there's no sign of dishonesty. Then he's leaning forward to kiss her and without warning their very mature, adult discussion is over in favor of something more reminiscent of younger days made all the more pleasant by the addition of the hearth for light and warmth. |
Comments
V'ros (15:45, 21 September 2014 (EDT)) said...
I see you think of me whilst with your girlfriend.... dude.
K'zin (17:46, 21 September 2014 (EDT)) said...
I clearly can't help myself.
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