Logs:Relationship Advice
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| RL Date: 1 April, 2013 |
| Who: K'zin, Madilla |
| Involves: High Reaches Weyr |
| Type: Log |
| What: K'zin gets some relationship advice from a relatively unlikely source. |
| Where: Kitchen, High Reaches Weyr |
| When: Day 25, Month 5, Turn 31 (Interval 10) |
| Mentions: Azaylia/Mentions, G'brion/Mentions, W'chek/Mentions |
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| Kitchen, High Reaches Weyr Polished marble and granite surfaces, gleaming metalwork and pale woods characterize the vaulted fastness of the kitchen. Several large hearths gape red-mouthed against the outer wall of the cavern, their fires almost always stoked for the constant cooking the Weyr requires to feed its denizens. Sinks line the wall to one side of the hearths, providing ample space to wash large quantities of dishes, while to the other, cabinetry and a deep pantry provide storage space for items commonly needed on a day-to-day basis. The remaining wall space is taken up by passageways and extra seating: swinging doors that lead variously to the main living cavern, the inner caverns and the storage rooms, a counter-height pass-through for food service to the Snowasis, and a series of nooks equipped with tables and benches for quick, out-of-the-way meals any time of day. It's a late lunch for those tucked into the nooks dedicated toward that activity. Judging from the mountain of food on K'zin's plate, it looks like he missed actual lunch (or he's just really hungry). The astute observer would gather, however, from the lack of steam rising off his large klah mug that he's been there a while, and none of the very appealing things on his plate has been touched. He's got his legs crossed, laying down the bench, leaning his shoulders onto the back wall of the booth in the nook, staring at nothing. His fingers are tugging idly at a loose stitch in the patched knee of his trousers. His expression and posture betray his discontent, if the lack of food inhalation wasn't enough to give it away. It's not unusual for Madilla to take meals at off-peak times; she eats when she can get away, heedless of whether it's an appropriate time or not. Today, the healer has tell-tale red stains on her hands, redwort stains, and there are darker marks on her skirt that perhaps she hasn't even noticed. Though she, too, seems lost in her own thoughts as she fetches herself a plate and fills it, she's scarcely halfway towards the nooks when her green-eyed gaze registers K'zin's presence. A moment later, shoulders squared, she crosses the rest of the distance to slide herself in across from the weyrling. "Something's the matter," she says. "Do you want to talk about it, Wa-- K'zin?" K'zin's eyes rise from the nothing that had him so fascinated moments before, a faint smile starting at the sound of her voice and flickering into being when his eyes find the Healer's face. He's always glad to see her, but that doesn't fully erase his bothered expression. "Healer Madilla," He greets with title out of turns-old habit, then, a correction: "Madilla. How are you?" Easier to focus on this than whatever it is, at least initially. "How have you been? I haven't seen you since hatching. Which I guess is good and bad." He's been staying out of trouble at least. Without giving her time to answer any of his questions, he continues, sucking in a breath and letting it out briefly. "Are you sure you want to hear me talk about it? It's embarrassing. The whole thing is-- really embarrassing." His cheeks accommodate him by proving the point as they begin to redden from his just thinking about articulating this problem. Madilla drops her forearms to the table, letting them rest there instead of reaching for her knife and fork, and for the food on her plate. She studies K'zin, her expression giving every indication that she's reading his in return, though if she's reaching conclusions, she's doing so quietly. "I'm well, thank you," she says, and though there would usually be a smile to accompany such a response, now, she seems inclined to suppress it. "If you want to talk about it, I don't mind listening. If you'd rather talk about something altogether, and take your mind off of it? I can do that, too. You could tell me about Rasavyth, or what it's like being a Weyrling." "Being a weyrling is what made the problem to begin with." K'zin's sigh is heavy. He takes a moment to rearrange himself, swinging his feet to the floor and pushing away from the wall to sit the correct direction on the bench, his arms coming to rest, in a mimic of her own move, now directly across from the healer. "So, I heard that-- that when dragons mate, their riders do too." Beat. "And I never have. With anyone." He swallows, "So I knew I needed to -- you know, have sex with a woman so I'd at least know what I was doing when-" Not if. "-Rasavyth catches. I don't want to hurt anyone after all. And I'd heard that men-- even men who aren't usually inclined to-- be with other men sometimes try that out too, so to make sure that they're not hurting anyone come flight time." He swallows. "So I thought maybe I should. I-" He hesitates and finally looks up to the healer's face, "I couldn't live with myself if I hurt someone like that." There's more to the story, obviously, but he pauses here looking probably for some kind of assurance that he isn't overstepping an invisible line. Madilla's teeth rest atop her lip when K'zin begins, the intense thoughtfulness of her expression only becoming more intense as he continues. She nods, just once, to confirm his information about the dragon/rider mating situation, but after that, goes still: just watching. Her own cheeks have flushed, just faintly, but when the weyrling finally looks at her again, her nod is firm. "That's all true," she says, quietly sure, "as far as I understand it, at least. Your weyrlingmasters will encourage you to get some experience, later on. It's a healthy attitude to have towards it, I should think. But... K'zin, Rasavyth isn't even two months old, surely? None of this is anything you need to worry about now." K'zin's expression could be called grim at Madilla's words about the little bronze's youth. "Mads," He begins quietly, using a brand new nickname (at least from him), "Rasavyth started making dirty jokes in my head when he was two days old. He's made me get into a very awkward physical predicament-" A glance shoots meaningfully down into his lap - hopefully with her healerly knowledge, he won't have to explain that one further, "-on purpose, not knowing that he shouldn't. He's encouraging me to bend-" Break. "-the rules because he's curious. I have no doubt that he will be chasing tail as soon as physically possible. And I know he's going to catch." His certainty is absolute. "Not always, obviously, but he will catch. I'd rather have everything prepared for when that day comes. For when the rules allow it." He might be creating a line up early, but the concern he expressed for accidentally hurting someone comes clear in his face again. "So I talked to-- to-- N'ky. He's my best friend. And a greenrider. And I thought maybe that'd be easier than a practical stranger or --" He swallows, his cheeks absolutely crimson for this admission. "He said no. And that's fine. So I asked some of the riders who'd been-- well-- uh, playful with me? Since the whole Lady Smith thing at Turnover." His blush deepens. "They said no, too." His body has sunk into itself a little, shoulders hunched, knuckles white as he grips his forearm, head slightly bowed. Rejection is never easy. Madilla sits back, abruptly, as K'zin begins to explain about Rasavyth, her eyes very nearly as round as saucers: clearly, that is a surprise, something unexpected in her view of how-little-dragons-are. Her mouth opens, partway, but stops before she actually gets any words out; in the end, she says nothing until he's finished, and even then, it takes her a few long moments. One hand reaches out, fingers aiming to rest atop his, or at least hover nearby. "I had no idea," she says, words that could probably be intended to answer a number of different things. She clarifies, a moment later. "That little dragons could be so... unchildlike. Or - no, that's not true. I don't believe Zhikath was childlike. But--" She breaks off, shaking her head, just once. "I'm sorry. That they said no. It must have taken a lot of courage, to ask." There's something wry in her expression, then, as though she knows that all too well. "The weyrlingmasters may have some names to suggest. I know that isn't the... I know." A shadow of distress flits across K'zin's face. Things are improved for he and his lifemate, but there's still that something he can't quite put his finger on that bothers him. "Have you ever-- have you ever heard of a baby dragon being--" He closes his eyes, gathering his courage to say this: "Secretive? Like, from their lifemate? I keep thinking something has to be wrong when he doesn't want to share everything with me." So often the role is reversed. "Who is Zhikath?" His question is curious, eyes hopeful for the mention-- hoping, perhaps, that knowing of another dragon who was not childlike might help him make sense of his own. "I guess I just-- I didn't expect them to say no. I mean, I think I'm an okay looking guy," He's sitting up a little now, though his tone is rather defeated. "I have nice muscles and stuff, but I-- I don't really know what men look for in other men. I guess I'm missing whatever it is." The blush that had begun to fade returns, "I think the worst part is that I don't really know if I'm trying to find someone for the experience only because of flights, or because I--" He swallows, "Because I might be curious." His look is troubled as he adds, "Ras says he doesn't care whether I get my-" His eyes bore holes into the tabletop, "-release from a woman or a man. He says it doesn't matter and that it all amounts to the same thing. That it's just about the physical. Do you think he's right?" "I don't think... I'm not sure that there is such a thing as 'right' or 'wrong' for dragons. From what I can tell, they're as varied and unique as people." Madilla's sympathy is evident, both in her expression, especially about the eyes, and in the low certainty of her voice. "I don't imagine that makes it any simpler. Zhikath - W'chek's bronze. I only mention him because I remember W'chek speaking of him, a little, once upon a time; I don't think he's especially similar." She lets out a long, low breath, hesitating over her words before letting the rest of them out. Her cheeks are flushed again. "I don't think he's right, no. I suppose it can be just about the physical," she sounds awkward, uncomfortable but also determined. "That is, I know it can be. It doesn't need to be, though. It-- for most of us, there is always an emotional reason, too. For better or for worse. But," she's quick to add, "there's nothing wrong with having your own preference." Her gaze drops towards her as-yet untouched plate, focusing on it rather than at blushing in K'zin's direction. K'zin listens attentively as she speaks of right and wrong and the ways of baby dragons. He gives a little nod to acknowledge her words about W'chek's bronze not being particularly similar. He lets the topic lie, the rest of her words have him thinking. "I guess I can understand that. The more I kiss someone, the more I seem to like them." Beat. "And I've had crushes on girls before. But N'ky talks about having a feeling with a certain girl that I don't think I've ever felt. I'm not sure I'd know it if I did feel it." He puzzles. "Are there people who go through life and never fall in love?" Perhaps he is one of those. His eyes now seek hers, asking quietly, "Do you fall in love a lot?" He might be curious. But he might also be vetting her credentials for expertise on the subject. Madilla reaches for the piece of bread on her plate, sopping it in gravy in at least a cursory attempt at not letting her food get cold, though she's clearly distracted. "Me?" She laughs, shaking her head, flush still evident. "No. If you mean the... romantic ideal of love, perhaps I've never felt it; I would argue that there are many kinds of love, though, and that everyone feels things differently. I would--" She hesitates, the corners of her mouth turning up awkwardly. "I wouldn't call myself an expert on this subject, I'm afraid. I was, after all, the girl who had every intention of marrying a man she did not love... the girl who would have been happy, too, I think. But K'zin - you're young. You may not have met the right person yet." Madilla is a thief! She's taken K'zin's self-centered attention and carried it off to focus it on herself. Amazing! The bronze weyrling seems to forget entirely his own concerns over whether or not he'll ever feel love, or if love is important, or if he'd rather be getting down and dirty with chicks or dudes or both. Now there's a dumbfounded moment followed by a curious gape. "You were going to marry a man you didn't love and be happy about it? You?" As if this is so difficult to believe. He must either have not been paying attention or too young for that particular chapter of Madilla's story to come onto his radar. "I totally had you pegged as one who'd go for nothing short of a Harper-told romance story." The kind which never come true. That flush darkens into an intensely self-conscious blush in the wake of K'zin's reaction; Madilla seems both horrified and amused, as though she can't decide between the two reactions and must, as a result, teeter between the two. She sets that bread down again, dropping her hands towards her lap, hidden beneath the table. "It's how I was raised," she says, which is only partway towards an explanation. "What was expected. I wanted a family, and when the opportunity was there... yes, I wanted it very much. And yet, here I am, with two children by two different fathers. I even turned down the proposal of a man I did care about. No," abruptly, she smiles. "I'm afraid I'm far from the best person to talk to about these things." Some of the story that she tells he already knew. Some is new to K'zin. The weyrling's brows are knit, look pensive. After a moment he shakes his head, "Actually, quite the contrary." He reaches for his own fork now, sliding his plate in front of him instead off to one side. "I think you're the perfect person to talk to about these things. Unless you don't want to be. The person I talk to about these things, I mean." He starts to pick through the items on his plate with his fork, as he explains his reasoning, "You're the first one to tell me that it's okay for it not to be like it is in the Harper tales. N'ky kept telling me that it would be wrong to like more than one person at a time and that how I see things is just not right." He sounds guilty, no doubt as a result of the Holdbred lad's differing view point. Clearly, this is not a reaction Madilla has expected, any more than she has expected so much else in this conversation, and it takes her some time to get her head around it. At least she has the distraction of food - K'zin's reclamation of his has the healer abruptly reaching for hers again, too, though she answers before eating. "Of course you can talk to me about it, K'zin. It's-- you'll find that I'm still the product of my upbringing, though. I've never been driven by... these things. In an ideal world, I would have married, and had a more traditional family. In my ideal world, anyway." It's a hasty correction. "But everyone is different. I think it's important to do what makes you happy, as long as you're not, in the process, making other people unhappy. Be honest. Upfront. It's--" She glances back at her plate. "Not fair to hide things. To lie." K'zin's head is nodding at her words of advice. "I promise I'm that. Honest. About things. I don't want anyone hurt because of something I do." Beat. "But I know that life is messy and people do get hurt. All I can do is do my best and be honest about things." Honesty. It's a good quality. It seems to be a cornerstone of "K'zin," so perhaps it's not something easily changed by even the most determined lifemate. "I kind of wish Azaylia had been." Beat. "More up front. I don't think she's ever been dishonest with me. But I'd've liked to have heard it from her that she--" His cheeks redden, "-wasn't pining away for me. Or however you put 'sleeping with people' nicely." He frowns a bit, not evidently bothered by the actual act, so much as the lack of communication. "Mads, I have a question." He chews his lower lip, "You don't have to answer if you don't want, but I'm curious." He reaches for his klah, swirling it a little before taking a sip. "If in your ideal world, you'd be married with a traditional family... why didn't you accept whoever it was that asked that you did care for?" The slow inroads into her lunch that Madilla has just started to take fall along the wayside when K'zin mentions Azaylia, though she doesn't seem to have anything in particular to say: it's just a quiet shift, a tangible adjustment of her position. Before she can say anything, profound or not, however, there's that question, and it leaves her hesitant all over again. "Saying yes to Varens would have meant moving back to the Hall," she answers, simply. "I didn't want to go. I didn't want to take Lily away from her home, and from her father. I cared about him, but that wasn't, in the end, enough, if it meant sacrificing the life I loved." It leaves her moody and thoughtful, her teeth biting in to her lower lip once more. Abruptly; "It's different, for riders. And in the Weyr, in general. But for riders in particular. I suppose that's what makes the communication so important. You can't just assume things. You shouldn't." K'zin eats as he listens to her answer, not entirely oblivious that he's asked a hard question. He does seem to have the knack for doing that. "That makes sense." He comments softly. Not that she needs his validation of her choices, "It sounds like it must have been difficult for you." His tone is apologetic, as though by bringing it up, he has made it that much more difficult. "So you still hope to marry? Can't see yourself with a rider in the long term? Since they-- we-" He seems to remember only as an afterthought that he is now included in that grouping, "-don't marry?" His eyes are thoughtful as they search her face now. "Or is it enough now to be with people you care for in this place that you love without being married?" Somehow, K'zin's latest question seems more than ever to make Madilla hesitant and uncertain, though for reasons that are not immediately obvious, given her answer. "W'chek and I would have weyrmated, not married, of course. It was easier to think of it as marriage, though, at the time. Now..." She shakes her head, cheeks pink, but not in an uncomfortable way. "I don't know that it's necessary, no. I think... as long as you're both on the same page, and comfortable with what your relationship is, and what it means, the rest doesn't matter. For some people, that does mean a more formalised weyrmating or marriage." Now, finally, she reaches for her fork again, apparently now comfortable enough again to resume her meal. "Do you think it's wrong to have more than one-- interest? Partner? I mean, if everything's up front and everyone's comfortable with what's happening. Do you think it's okay? Morally? I just-- I feel like if someone asked me to choose between people I've kissed and want to kiss again, I couldn't. I like them differently, but the same." K'zin frowns, concern returning to his eyes. It's not that he didn't hear or pay attention to all that she said, but he's not wise enough in years and life experience to have any stories to relate or to know what question could or should come next. Nor does Madilla seem to expect a response, though that doesn't mean she doesn't watch K'zin, green eyes considering his expression carefully as he speaks. "I think..." she's careful, closing her mouth once as she reconsiders, before she tries a second time. "It isn't something I could ever consider for myself, but I understand that it does work for some people, sometimes." The way she talks, she's trying very hard to be even and positive about this, though it's equally clearly not something she understands. "I suppose, in theory, if everyone was happy with the arrangement," she offers, finally. "So, communication is really the key. And honesty." K'zin sums up thoughtfully. His expression is focused as he works a few things through in his mind. He continues to make the mountain on his plate diminish. "Thank you, Mads." He looks up, fork resting on his plate. "Really. You have no idea how much this has helped." Truly, he does look as though a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. "Can I ask you a favor?" His cheeks color pre-emptively, a foreshadow of just what the favor is. For this, at least, Madilla can give a firm nod of agreement: communication and honesty, absolutely. There's much less food on her plate to begin with, though she eats slowly, and carefully, even now. "I'm glad I could help," she says, smiling, now, with a return to her usual genuine warmth. Nonetheless, there's a faint amount of hesitation - did her brows just raise, just slightly? - when he asks for that favour. Even so; "Of course. What do you need?" This is the moment where K'zin asks Madilla to be his first lover! Only, it's not. Instead, the weyrling begins with, "I know you're nowhere near old enough to be an old auntie." He has keen skills of observation. "But if you hear anyone talking about the way I got rejected by those riders-" And they will talk. "-could you try to get folks to shut their bubbly holes?" Madilla's mouth twitches, though to be fair, it starts doing that before he's actually asked for his favour, so it's not that she's laughing at K'zin himself. More-- "I'm glad to know I'm not quite that old, even to teenage boys," she teases, setting down her fork and giving him a smile across the table. "Of course. I'd do that even if you hadn't asked me to. I'm not comfortable with that kind of gossip; it's never fair to anyone." Her cheeks are pink: it would not be an unreasonable thing to assume, at this point, that she has been gossiped about in the past. K'zin looks suddenly sheepish, "Mads, I totally didn't mean--" His blush becomes even deeper now. "I only meant that-- well, that aunties are usually the ones to start and stop gossip, and that you're not one." He seems to realize that this didn't come out as he wanted either. A hand goes up to run through his shortened locks. "You're older but-- the -- the interesting kind of older." Brown eyes linger on her face a handful of moments longer than politeness might dictate before he quickly adds, "Not like the gross kind of older." Then he's looking at his plate, shoveling food into his mouth with a vengeance. If he's got yummy food in his mouth, he can't possibly taste foot, right? Another, less kind, person might be laughing outright by now, but all Madilla does is shake her head, and lift one hand off of the table in an attempt to forestall K'zin's words. "No, no, I know what you mean. It's fine, K'zin. I was teasing. I know I'm not old, and I know you don't think I'm an old auntie. I'm..." She grins, abruptly. "More like a much older sister, or something, I'm sure." Her gaze slides down towards her empty plate, but only for a moment; she adds, then, "I'm sure it'll all work out. One way or another. Things usually do." "What?!" K'zin's surprise is mixed with disgust. He may not really know how he wants Madilla to see him, but he knows 'little brother' is not it. "No, no, no." He shakes his head firmly. "You are not like a much older sister. I mean, I'm close with you and I don't mean to take that away, but we are not siblings. If you met my brothers, you'd understand why I'm adamant." And he is. "I'm-- man that you've known since I was a boy. And we're friends. Right?" He looks up at her, eyes now concerned. Now it's Madilla's turn to look horrified and awkward all over again, and to stumble over her words. Her flush is dark. "Of course," she says, hastily. "Of course we're friends. I'm sorry; I didn't mean it that way." Evidently, she has more positive thoughts about siblings than he does, though she never has mentioned her own at any point, ever. Instead, now, more firmly: "Friends. And-- a listening ear, any time you need one, okay? Though I ought to get back to the Infirmary about now." K'zin suddenly looks apologetic stemming from the look on the healer's face at his own reaction. "Sorry. I- I overreacted." His shoulders droop, and his eyes dance around the table top before he's able to bring them back up to look at her. "I just don't want you to think of me like a little brother. I know I was little when we met, Mads, but I'm not little anymore. In a couple of turns, I'm going to be done weyrlinghood and I'll be a rider. I know it's not as dangerous as it was when there was Thread to worry about, but it's still not an easy job. No children do it. I want you to care about me - but in the way that someone cares about a good friend." Not a non-sexual entity, not a little boy. "Okay? I'm sorry I reacted-- that way." He's still not all the way grown up, much as he'd like to be. He doesn't try to stop her from going, but he does wait for a response from her before offering any kind of farewell. "I don't think of you as a child, K'zin," says Madilla, who abandons the chewing of her lip she's been doing in order to open her mouth again. Still, she hesitates. "But: okay. Friends. I'll suppress my urge to--" She breaks off, shaking her head. She'll try not to pseudo-mother him. "Don't apologise. Communication, remember? It's easy for me to forget how much you have grown up. Ask G'brion about that, one day." Mention of that particular healer-greenrider has her mouth twisting all over again, but she doesn't explain further. "We'll talk again soon, okay?" The smile K'zin has for Madilla is warm, still slightly apologetic despite her instruction not to. "Hope everyone stays healthy and you can have an easy rest of your day, Healer Madilla." He offers this by way of parting before he turns back to finish his now long-cold klah and meal. |
Comments
Azaylia (Dragonshy (talk)) left a comment on Wed, 03 Apr 2013 05:53:21 GMT.
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...Oh geez. Poor Madilla! Hopefully her face will recover from such blushing abuse. <3 K'zin! Stop flustering up our WeyrHealer. D:< She's like the best one we got.
K'zin (Wakizian (talk)) left a comment on Wed, 03 Apr 2013 08:22:38 GMT.
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NO! I need someone else to blush for at least 65% of a scene besides me or N'ky! ;D
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