Logs:Roles You Can't Fill
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| RL Date: 27 March, 2009 |
| Who: K'del, P'ax |
| Involves: High Reaches Weyr |
| Type: Log |
| What: K'del and P'ax catch up on recent events, and reactions to them. K'del is not quite as helpful as he could be, but he tries. |
| Where: Starstones High Reaches Weyr |
| When: Day 19, Month 4, Turn 19 (Interval 10) |
| Weather: The weather today is very pleasant. A few clouds chase each other across the mostly clear skies, and a soft breeze picks up in the afternoon to make for a fine day. |
| Mentions: A'son/Mentions, Milani/Mentions, Satiet/Mentions |
| Star Stones, High Reaches Weyr High on the southeastern edge of the Weyr, the Star Stones cast their long shadows over the sheared stone plateau that holds them. Here, a watchrider stands guard day and night, Pass or Interval, keeping an eye out for incoming visitors and inclement weather. The stocky, rectangular shape of the Eye Rock stands firm against the tests of time, the circular aperture that punches through it from side to side providing a frame for the view beyond, waiting for the Red Star's approach. Two dragonlengths south, the silent column of the Finger Rock awaits the balancing of the sun on its tip at the solstice to warn of the imminence of Thread. Between the two and set out slightly to the side is the squat shape of the actual Star Stone, inscribed with an arrow pointing to each of the other two stones. The view from the Star Stones is unparalleled, its closest match that from the southern rim. A full circle around the Weyr can be seen from the Snowy Wastes to the north, to Keogh in the east, the peaks of the Western Range and Tillek Bay to the south, Pars and River Bend to the west. The only way up or down from the Star Stones is a-dragonback. Errands have taken K'del all across Pern this morning, but now, as the afternoon wears on towards evening, he and Cadejoth have retreated to the Star Stones, keeping careful distance from the watchrider. The bronze's tail curves lazily over the edge, wriggling exploritorily; K'del sits, leaning against a pale forelimb, staring out in the vague direction of Tillek. Yyth's mind brushe Cadejoth's from her ledge. There's some conferencing down below before her touch surges and she appears over the edge of the stones to touch down with minimal scrabbling against the stone. P'ax slides down so she can wiggle closer to the bronze and stuffs his hands in his pockets. He stands silently behind and to the left of K'del, staring out the same direction without interrupting the young man's thoughts. At the green's touch, Cadejoth does not precisely extend an invitation, but nor is he anything less than pleased to see her as she arrives, unfurling a wing so as to offer her shelter against the battering winds, as she settles in beside him. K'del can hardly miss any of this, and, a moment after P'ax takes his position behind him, swivels around to consider the other young man. "Hey, P'ax." That he says it in a loud voice is probably only to keep it from being stolen away by the wind; the inflection is quiet. Thoughtful. P'ax inclines his head to K'del and exhales, settling down a polite distance from his wingmate and setting his chin on his fist. "How are you holding up?" he finally asks, loud enough to be heard. Yyth sends a tendril of content to Cadejoth and lets him be. K'del traces his gloved fingers over Cadejoth's hide before he answers the question, staring off into the distance until he manages to get the words pulled together. "As well as can be expected. It's been... lots of things. What about you?" Cadejoth accepts this content, wrapping it up in a little, sheltered bundle of warm metal, holding it safe. Peace. P'ax keeps his eyes forward. "Taking it harder than I expected," he replies at last. "So's Yyth. She's getting over it though. It's easy, when they don't remember things." K'del watches P'ax, as he says that, his lips pulled into not quite a purse, but still: a thin line, perhaps. Concerned. "'m sorry," he tells his clutchmate, nodding in a single, even gesture. "Mm. Cadejoth's more or less forgotten now, I think, so long as I don't think too loud about it. Which is good. Waking up to that-- you know? The sound of it. That morning." P'ax nods his head and says, "I thought Yyth was hurt, the way she was wailing," he agrees and then sighs. "I have nightmares. About... going Between. And not coming out. And all I can hear is her screaming." "Oh, P'ax," says K'del, sounding actively horrified at the idea of these P'ax clears his throat and looks embarrassed. "I'm terrified. Of dying," he admits at length. "It scares me... thinking that it could be me and Yyth. Satiet and Teonath were still young. How could they just... go like that?" K'del's expression, however, holds nothing but sympathy. He reaches out, evidently intending to place a hand on the other boy's arm, though he hesitates just before doing so, hovering uncertainly. "Think," he tells him, in a careful voice, "That she was sick. Milani-- she was really worried that something was wrong, leading up to it. Said Satiet was really thin, and seemed sick. And you heard that the healers officially announced they wouldn't release her files? So if you put it like that... if I was going to die, reckon I'd rather do it that way. With Cadejoth. Peaceful, you know?" P'ax glances at K'del when the boy touches his arm, brief surprise lapsing back into neutrality. "I couldn't," he says, swallowing and looking away again. "Just stuck there forever. Cold, dark...alone." He shudders and takes a deep, steadying breath. "How's...things?" Other things. "You'd have Yyth. And... reckon you'd probably die, just the same. Be just as... reckon there's nothing, after you die. Just peace." K'del admits, then, after another pause, "Not that I want to die anytime soon, though." He withdraws his hand after a moment, letting it settle back in his lap, and, for the question, shrugs. "Things suck. You know that Millie's ex came back? Didn't go well. Hate seeing her hurt." P'ax moves on hastily from talk of unpleasant death into unpleasant relationship drama. "Seems like nobody's having a good month," he says with a note of agony. My sex life falls apart, your sex life falls apart... Milani just falls apart period. Well, falling apart for her. Don't think Millie knows /how/ to really fall apart." Chewing his lower lip he says, "Wish we could help her. Just something she's got to work out. Did you know I've got his old weyr? A'son's." It's a subtle difference, but maybe... just a little bit easier. K'del's lips purse at mention of P'ax's sex life falling apart, though he doesn't question that. "She just keeps on going," he agrees of Milani. "Though... to a point, I suppose. She's been staying with me, just... to sleep. So that she can. She's hurting pretty bad, I think." His head shakes, for the last comment. "Didn't know that. Still haven't met the guy. Not sure I want to." Subtle, but a little easier. "Oh," he replies, quiet. "T'mic offered his couch, if I needed to get out of High Reaches for awhile. But it doesn't seem... right. To just leave my job and everyone behind. Like I'm too weak to handle everything." He scratches at his cheek where a patch of stubble is making itself known. "I think if I ever did, I'd punch him," vows the normally unviolent P'ax. "Might not hurt to just... sleep there, you know. Even if you come back during the day, for duties. Just so you wouldn't be completely alone. Except for Yyth." K'del makes this comment slowly, reaching down to scratch at his leg with his left hand, then, pulling his glove off so he can do it more effectively. "Mm. Know it's not really his fault. But. Hate to see her hurt. Think she's doing better now, though. A bit. Just been a hard time, you know? All of it, at once." P'ax shrugs. "Probably doesn't make sense but I don't know if I trust T'mic like that. He's nice, very kind, but I don't think we've hit a point in our association where I'd feel comfortable just crashing there." As for A'son. "Doesn't matter if it's his 'fault' or not. Still like to punch him, for hurting her in the first place and then showing up when she's finally healing over it and breaking her heart all over again. But... guess I don't know the full situation. Kinda thought you and her were...together." K'del considers this, and finally nods, accepting P'ax's reasons without further comment. As soon as the word 'together' gets uttered, he laughs, shaking her head. "No. I'm not really the 'together' type of person, really. Just friends. Friends with benefits, but still: just friends." He pauses, and then adds, "Hope he realises. Don't know. It's hard, because she still loves him so much." P'ax is quiet for too long, his face contorting through a range of emotions before he finally suggests in an almost strangled fashion. "You could stay. When you don't have Milani. Not... not like that. I mean..." his voice lowers, almost inaudible with the wind. "In case I had nightmares. So I wouldn't wake up alone." And Yyth doesn't count. A'son? Oh, right, safe topic. "Yeah, well, I don't know why, he's an idiot if he doesn't know that, doesn't want to be with her." The suggestion is greeted by silence, possibly for longer than would be polite, but then, before P'ax might be attempted to say something else, K'del's voice can be heard through the wind to say, "All right. If you still need it, once Millie's not staying any more." Whenever that happens. Perhaps he could offer that the greenrider should come stay at his place, too, but he doesn't; he's not willing to give that up. "Not sure it's quite that simple, either. Just bad timing. Shells, hate defending him." P'ax is growing steadily more nervous looking as K'del's silence wears on. "Okay," he agrees quietly, knowing it for a polite brush off. "So don't. We'll talk about something else." But he has nothing else to talk about, so he picks at imaginary fuzz on his pants instead. K'del watches P'ax, looking guilty, but still concerned, too. "If it weren't for Millie--" he starts, but trails off. Talking about something else, that sounds better, and he straightens, clearly struggling for something to say. "Getting warmer," is what he comes up with, sounding lame. "Be able to swim, before too much longer." "Don't," P'ax says. "I shouldn't have put you in that position anyways." Weather. Weather's safe. "Yeah, getting warmer. Might even be able to get Javeri up here if the summer's nice enough." K'del opens his mouth, expression earnest. "I would, though," he begins, but again, the sentence doesn't get any further than that. "Javeri? That's-- ah, from Ista? Most of those Istans don't seem to want to come up here. Bound to get stupidly hot down there, though, middle of summer." P'ax looks skeptical, but doesn't voice it. "Yeah, Javeri. Good girl. She was here for ..." he trails off. "Here when Yyth..." he stops again. Sighs. "No, they don't much care for the cold. But summer's okay. Mild enough not to freeze a hot blooded Istan. I like Ista though." "Yyth's flight," K'del concludes for the greenrider, turning his gaze back out over the vista beyond. "And Leisath's. She won Leisath's, didn't she? Prefer here to Ista. I mean, the heat's fine, but it's not... High Reaches summers are good." P'ax nods his head. "Yeah. That." Avey's flight. "Didn't know about that. Went to go see her. The day...she died. She sent me a letter. Saying you thought she'd upset me." He laughs a little. "And I told her you weren't a creditable witness as to what would hurt me." "Suppose you wouldn't." Know about Avey's flight. "Was supposed to win that one. Avey wanted me to. But Leisath's too small." K'del takes in a deep breath, frowning, obviously trying to remember. "Did I? Figured /I'd/ upset you. Maybe. Don't remember anymore what I was thinking, or what I said." Then, "Not sure anyone is, P'ax, unless you tell them." P'ax nods his head. "She mentioned. She's a little put out with you." He has to smile for that. And then he sobers. "Yyth scared Leisath." And it's with the forlorn attitude of a child admitting that their little sister breaks all their favorite toys. "Of course you upset me. But... that's done. For.. a few weeks." Yyth gets a wary glance. "Reckon we'll have enough time... you can go visit your family or something." "Is she? Because Cadejoth couldn't catch Leisath? Not /his/ fault. He tried." K'del's lips purse, disgruntlement clear in his expression. "Yyth scares lots of people. At least until they get used to her." His nod, for the rest, is very slow. He lets out a long breath, then sighs. "Right. Have to work it out somehow." P'ax reaches out, and he does not hesitate. He touches K'del's cheek, just the briefest, softest brush of fingertips along his jaw. "He tried," he agrees gently. "It's up to you. I'll understand if you choose to go, is all." K'del manages, perhaps through supreme force of will, not to flinch away. "He always tries. That's what he does: so much... he just wants to be everything for everyone." His tone is moody, uncomfortable. Then, "Don't know, P'ax. Don't know what to do. What I should do, what's better." P'ax presses his lips together. "Just... tired of saying the wrong things. Hurting each other. Might be easier... if we'd talked about it more, before it happened. Been okay with it. 'Stead of avoiding it." He flicks his fingers, sending his thoughts off into the wind. "You do the same, you know. Try to be things for people. Roles you can't fill." "Yeah," says K'del, moody, his voice barely loud enough to be heard. "Probably. Didn't really want to think about it. Still not sure whether it's going to help, if we do talk. But... won't get drunk, next time. If." If they chase. If they stay. He scratches at the hair on his neck, considering nothing in particular, then blinks, turning back towards his companion. "Do I?" "Sorry," is P'ax's immediate reaction to making K'del uncomfortable. "I know you didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to bring it up." But now it's out there, like a train wreck in progress, one he can't stop. "Appreciate that. Not drinking." A wry smile is offered, and then he looks away. "Yeah. You try." But K'del shakes his head: no, don't be sorry. "Don't apologise. /Still/ have to get used to it. May not want to, but I do. Do you want me to take Cadejoth away? To save the awkwardness?" He has only a nod for the not drinking, though the pink in his cheeks - that might be a blush, not just the wind chill. "Didn't realise," he adds, of the last. "Like dragon like rider, I guess." P'ax nods. "You do," he agrees. "But not with someone like me." Licking his lips he exhales. "Should have let me teach you. Or had Milani teach you. She's a good teacher." As for Cadejoth. He shrugs. "Don't care. I'll understand if you go. If you stay..." He presses his lips together. "If he catches... Well. You have things to learn." K'del gives P'ax a Look, like 'what could Milani teach me about /that/', but doesn't actually ask. "I'll think about it," is what he says. "Some other time. When it's not..." When things aren't so complicated. He sighs, then, slowly, begins to draw himself towards his feet. "It's cold up here; I'm going to go in. I hope you sleep better." P'ax watches K'del get up. "It is," he agrees. He passes a hand tiredly over his face. "Me too," he adds, but he doesn't sound hopeful at the prospect of sleeping, let alone nightmare free. K'del hesitates, before mounting Cadejoth, as though he intends to say something else. But he doesn't. |
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