Logs:Self-Control
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| RL Date: 5 April, 2015 |
| Who: H'vier, Tess |
| Involves: Fort Weyr, High Reaches Weyr |
| Type: Log |
| What: H'vier sees a mindhealer. She's fairly demanding. |
| Where: Unused weyr, Fort Weyr |
| When: D14 M6, T37 and subsequent |
| Mentions: Lycinea/Mentions, Oiana/Mentions |
| OOC Notes: Way back-dated. |
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| True to her word, Tess found them somewhere in Fort Weyr to meet. It isn't exactly comfortable, what with the unused weyr feel of the dusty place, but it's somewhere that isn't her quarters, and she even found one that has a couch and chair that she (or someone) must have taken the time to uncover for their use. She sat herself behind H'vier on Reisoth and directed the pair to the ledge and has just finished unpacking a thermos of what proves to be klah and she settles on the couch, kicking off her sandals and pulling her legs up to lean back on an arm and get comfortable. One might almost think she were the patient here. Reisoth doesn't stay on the ledge once the pair are dropped off, instead spiraling up toward the heights to view the Weyr from above. There's much here to observe that hasn't been before, after all. H'vier doesn't sit down with Tess. He paces through the weyr, watching her almost the whole while. "Your quarters would have been better," he says with agitation after some moments of this. "No, they wouldn't." Tess answers without explaining. "You might've gotten distracted." Her eyes track him. "How would you like to begin, H'vier? What do you expect of me?" At least she's not wasting time. "You don't think I can get distracted here?" H'vier looks at her in a very lewd way as though specifically to make that a moot argument. He doesn't stop his slow pacing, though. "I don't know. You're the professional. How do you usually begin?" "It's different for everyone," Tess explains patiently as if she hadn't seen the look, though she was looking right at him. "Usually some variety of setting goals to work toward and starting to understand what you need from me." She watches him pace, "Are you uncomfortable?" "No," H'vier answers the question first, perhaps more firmly than strictly necessary or warranted. "You already know what I'm here for. Can't you just tell me how to fix it? What do I need to do?" "Okay," as if she could. Tess shifts to sit up and swings her feet to the ground. "First, you need to relax." She looks at him intently. "How do you relax?" H'vier pauses in his steps, not turning to face Tess right away. His gaze even turns away, looking at a wall before he answers, honestly, "I drink. Or jerk off." Sometimes both at the same time! He looks at her again. "I run. Work out. Have sex." Which is different from jerking off, evidently. Tess considers him and his apparent honesty. "Come and sit here, with me," is a suggestion, an invitation. The bronzerider looks a little suspicious of her invitation because just sitting probably isn't the first thing that comes to his mind. But H'vier moves anyway, sitting down next to, but not touching, Tess, visibly tense. "May I have your hand?" Tess asks, holding both of hers toward him, palm up to receive it if he consents. Her expression is neutral, not telling of just what she'll do with his hand once she has it. H'vier eyes her hands for several moments, then sighs and offers her his nearest. There can be no doubt that he's starting to think this is all a waste of time. The healer's touch is gentle and her movements initially slow. Tess' intentions become clear as one movement leads into the next: she's giving him a massage. "Tell me about what it's like for you?" She requests after some moments. "When you become angry. Is it a snap? A slow build? Something else?" Her tone is soothing and volume quiet. It could be pillow talk if there were anything remotely sexual in the way she touches him (and if they'd ever had sex), but it's purely professional. He watches her fingers and his hand, eventually sitting back into the couch with something that has more resemblance to relaxation. H'vier is still resisting talking, but then he's not, perhaps some internal logic finally winning out, "There's always something there. When it gets bad, it just... comes to the surface. And I can't always control it. Reisoth will sometimes help." "Do you remember when it started?" Tess asks, her fingers continuing to move methodically across his hand. "The something that's always there?" "No," says H'vier automatically. Then he takes a moment to consider it, still watching her fingers against his hand. "It seems like it's always been there. But I don't suppose it actually has been." He glances up at her face. Tess meets his eyes, her own thoughtful; it's easy to pick out in the way she looks at him that she's genuinely putting effort into trying to help him. She shifts her hands to his wrist, the massage continuing up his forearm, as best she can through his riding jacket. "If you can, between now and the next time we meet, I want you to see if you can sort out the earliest memory that you have when you felt it there." It's a request, and one on which she doesn't linger. "So when it happens, how does it feel? Do you see red? Do you feel disconnected from yourself?" She asks each follow up likely to provide examples of the type of response she's looking for. His gaze drops again, to watch her hand on his arm. There's a slight tension for a moment, like he might move, but it fades again. There's a nod for the first and then H'vier is considering the rest. "It feels good," is the first thing that comes to mind. "Even when it hurts. It's like I'm not myself. And I'm ever more myself. I see red. Black. And all I want is to feel something break." "And what does it take for it to stop? Something breaking? Or does that not always satisfy your feeling?" The healer asks letting her hands continue up his arm. "Would you like to take off your jacket?" Tess offers. The massage would almost certainly be better that way. "Breaking something often helps. But not always. Reisoth usually steps in, then." Usually. H'vier doesn't answer the rest out loud, but the fact that he shifts forward to shrug out of his jacket makes his answer pretty obvious. Tess' hands fall to her lap while she waits for him to remove his jacket, her hands moving to find his shoulders, if he'll accommodate with a twist away from her. "Do you regret your anger? Once it's over?" H'vier will turn to give her better access to his back, which probably means he at least trusts her not to stab him in it. It also means he can't look at her anymore. "Sometimes. Not always. If it's someone I care about." There's a pause, but also an indication that he's still thinking. "I've never hurt them as badly." Physically, anyway. "So, when you feel this thing, what do you want to have happen that isn't happening? Do you want to stop yourself? Do you want to feel like you could if you wanted to?" Tess again lists some options to give an idea of the direction she's interested in going with the question. Her hands are a steady, moving presence on his shoulders and the back of his neck. That this question is uncomfortable is clear in the way that H'vier tenses under Tess' hands. He has to think about it for some time, but even that doesn't pull up a good answer. "I don't know. I'm in control until I'm not." "Hm," Tess makes the considering noise in her throat, "So when you wanted to know how to fix 'it,' what exactly did you mean?" H'vier is still uncomfortable. He starts to shift as though he might stand, but he pauses at the edge of the sofa, elbows leaning against his knees and his head against his hands. It's a short while later that he turns his head toward Tess without looking at her directly. "I want to not lose control." Tess' hands slip away from H'vier's shoulders as he shifts, not seeking to make him stay. She watches him and does not try to catch his gaze. "Then that's where we start. It's not going to just take practice, but it is going to take practice, so from now until the next time we meet, I want you to not fight. No physical violence of any sort against a person. Not even sparring. Show me you can have that kind of self control, and then we'll go from there." There's a pause, "I need to understand what you're capable of, what your limits are before I can help you." His attention stays focused on the healer, but not with intensity. H'vier is more relaxed now than when they started, more willing to work with the woman's suggestions. He nods. "I can do that. Punching bag okay?" That's not a person. Tess' nod is simple to the bronzerider's assertion of ability. One way or another, time will tell. "Yes, punching bags are appropriate outlets." She awards him with a smile. "Now, I think that will do for today. There are no magic solutions, but we'll sort it, H'vier, if you give us time." This is said with resolve; she's in this with him, if he lets her be. "I'm not sure what my schedule is like next seven, but if not then, the seven after." The seven after, there's a brief note delivered to H'vier with Tess' apology and the word that not that seven but the one that follows, she'll be at High Reaches to supplement the healers present for grief counseling and they'll find time to meet then. When it does happen, it's not so much a formalized meeting as a happenstance run-in when H'vier is leaving the hatching grounds and Tess was just coming. It results in a walk in the bowl, during which they may speak without much fear of being overheard but in snatches. "Have you managed to keep from doing violence to anyone?" is asked as casually as if she might be asking how the eggs are doing, though they've already dispensed with those pleasantries. H'vier doesn't seem quite as agitated about meeting with the mindhealer this time as he had the first. But he has plenty of other things to be agitated about. "More or less," is his noncommittal sort of answer. "I haven't hit anyone else," is assured after another moment. "Want to tell me what you mean by more or less?" Tess queries, looking up at the taller man with her patient gaze. She's a little more on edge herself this time, but one might easily assume that's less to do with H'vier and more to do with the circumstances of her being here in High Reaches at all. "There's a girl," says H'vier. And it kind of seems like that might be the beginning and the end of it, all she needs to know on the matter. Then, "A stupid girl." A frustrating one, at that, judging by his tone. "She needed me, I think. Needed me to be her friend. But I fucked someone who was more willing instead. I'm not a very good friend." But he knows it. That should count for something, right? "Hm," Tess' sound is thoughtful if not really sympathetic. "Do you wish you'd behaved differently?" It's a simple enough question. "I don't know. Maybe. I wish she'd behaved differently." Of course H'vier would wish that. "I only wanted a few minutes alone," with another woman, "and she went into hysterics. But she's still not willing to spread her legs herself." And he sounds irritated by that. "Hmmm," is longer and a touch more judgmental. Tess tilts her head and looks up at H'vier, her pace slowing to a stop. "Would you say you have trouble controlling your sexual urges?" She makes the question sound like she were asking about if one of the eggs on the Sands were purple toned or blue. H'vier doesn't realize that she's stopped right away, so it's a few more steps before he does the same, turning back to look at her. That he doesn't like this question is obvious. He even looks like he might continue walking, away from her, but instead he says, "I don't know if I'd say that." "No? What would you say then?" Tess counters, not put-off by the obviousness of his dislike for the question. "I'd say that I asked you to help me with hitting people, not fucking them." They're apparently very different things according to the bronzerider. "H'vier, I'd like you to do more." Tess tells him quite levelly. "You've told me you've been doing well with not fighting. Now I want you to add not fucking to that. Good behavior will be rewarded," which is the same promise she made him last time. The look H'vier gives Tess is both incredulous and defiant. "You can't be serious, woman." "Tess," Tess corrects without batting an eye. "We are trying to give you a better sense of control over your base nature, are we not? The thing that snaps through the sense you otherwise might have and drives you to act? It can," she goes on without waiting for an answer, "be said that exercising restraint in an area that is similarly base may help you better to control the other. Some would even argue both issues stem from what's between your legs." She flashes him a pretty sort of smile. H'vier makes an annoyed sound in response to her name, but he listens to the rest of what she has to say without interrupting even if he makes a similar sound for the last of what she says, too. Then, "And how long do you expect me to restrain myself, Tess?" "At least until our next meeting. Which might even be next seven." Tess continues to smile at him. "We can reassess then though I think it's fair to say that a single seven is not a good trial of anything worth doing so it'll be at least two, I should think, and then we can reevaluate." She pauses before adding without shame, "You may, of course see to your own needs. Like a punching bag, that's an appropriate outlet. But," she holds up a single finger, "no outside help except up here," the finger goes to her temple before a brow is cocked at him to ask if he understands and agrees. H'vier starts to open his mouth like he might say something not very nice, but he sighs out a breath instead. "Fine. Fine. No fucking. No hitting." That's almost a question. Does he really have to restrain himself from both? Really? "Is that all?" "No violence," Tess corrects with a too bright smile. "But yes, that's all. Is there anything else you'd like to talk about before I get back to the infirmary?" She cants her head slightly as she looks up at him, brows raised slightly. "No," says H'vier, bluntly. But he realizes it. It makes him pause to take a breath and amend with forced politeness, "Thank you, journeyman." Then the bronzerider is turning to continue on his way. Tess' look is amused as he amends his word, her smile flashing briefly, though whether at the bluntness or the amendment, it isn't clear. She wiggles her fingers in farewell even as she pivots and heads back toward the infirmary. |
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