Logs:Seven

Seven
RL Date: 7 October, 2015
Who: H'kon
Involves: High Reaches Weyr
Type: Vignette
What: H'kon feels (melodramatically) inadequate.
Where: H'kon and Madilla's Weyr, High Reaches Weyr
When: Day 9, Month 13, Turn 38 (Interval 10)
Mentions: Madilla/Mentions
OOC Notes: Trigger warning: infertility.
H'kon lay on his side in the dark, next to Madilla, one arm bridging the gap, but space still between them. His hand rested on her abdomen, and he could feel her breaths beneath his thumb; steady, sleeping breaths. He half-counted them, repeating numbers, starting over, losing himself to the loops and patterns. Seven, he would always reach. Seven, he would often repeat. Seven times, now, that their attempts had proved fruitless. One, two, three, they hadn't bothered her so much. Not as these last few months, when he could feel the sadness of her, straight through his chest. But he'd known, hadn't he, been counting from the first. It had been a convenience before. The women he'd chosen were generally not those he'd have wanted any alliance with, and he'd known not all of them were conscientious about their trips between. It had worked in his favour, then. Now... H'kon withdrew his hand as the nth seven devolved again to one. The space between them was greater still. Perhaps it had been the wine, the atmosphere, the sense of pride and important at being there, his love on his arm, both of them in all their finery and before so many others. That night, it had not been an invasion; that night, he'd allowed it to be a boast. Perhaps it had gone to his head. Perhaps, again, it was only a sliver of honesty. Madilla must have known his heart on the matter, these past turns; only Arekoth knew him better. Perhaps he'd simply not been able to bring himself to divert her with what was too close to a lie. But that was self-serving. That decision was no kindness, but another sort of lie, and a crueler one, for what it promised and what it would not deliver. I want another baby. I want your baby. He'd let it get to the baser part of him, where it soothed that bit of jealousy he'd never been fully rid of, jealousy born early on, before her children had come to be his family also. Another failing from him, leading only to more still. H'kon turned over, to his other side, right up to the edge of the bed, a chasm between them now, the distance of planets, where all he'd not been able to give her was left to solidify in the cold. He forced his breathing to slow, counting each breath to seven, and he wondering how high a number he might reach before they could tolerate it no longer, and would put an end to it.

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Madilla (15:28, 7 October 2015 (PDT)) said...

D:

Faryn (16:18, 7 October 2015 (PDT)) said...

_;

Edyis (18:21, 7 October 2015 (PDT)) said...

D: so heartbreaking.

Farideh (18:27, 7 October 2015 (PDT)) said...

Oh, H'kon. Why. :(

Alida (18:55, 7 October 2015 (PDT)) said...

Poor H'kon. :(

Leova (07:41, 8 October 2015 (PDT)) said...

Awful.

Jo (08:45, 8 October 2015 (PDT)) said...

Oh man. The feels~

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