Logs:She Felt Nothing
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| RL Date: 13 December, 2009 |
| Who: Kash |
| Involves: Fort Weyr, Tillek Hold |
| Type: Vignette |
| What: Kash gives birth. |
| Where: Fort Weyr / Vinehold, Tillek Region |
| When: Month 6, Turn 21- |
| In the middle of month six, Mira shut her eyes, hoped desperately that everything was going to be fine, and let her youngest son take her on her very first dragon ride - to Fort Weyr, to her youngest daughter, to Kash, who refused to see her. Kash was stubborn about it, too. "Got no intention of seeing her, K'del, so you may as well take her back home. Shouldn't've brought her here in the first place; you knew how I felt." K'del only shrugged, and took his mother in to organise her a place to say for a few weeks, and something to keep her occupied. Mira regretted the whole thing almost immediately, when faced with the reality of how different a weyr was from everything she was used to, but she remained firm: her daughter was going to need her, and if Kash refused to come home, then she'd just have to stay here. In the end, though, she didn't have to wait too long. A few days after her youngest son's turnday, and several sevendays ahead of schedule, Mira's youngest daughter went for a walk in the garden, and ended up in the infirmary, doubled over in pain. After that, she was in no condition to say much of anything about her mother's presence. Later, the only thing she remembered about the whole process was begging and begging to be taken outside, her pleas ignored by everyone. That, and silently, desperately, crying out for Kezend, who wasn't there and couldn't be there, and so, she had to keep reminding herself not to actuall yell for him, because no one could know. It was an easy labour, and short compared to what it could have been. When it was over, the lay her son down on her belly and congratulated her, and all Kash could do was stare at him and feel-- what? What did she feel? She felt nothing. She felt disconnected and remote and sore and tired and empty, but mostly, she looked at him and felt nothing. In the end, Mira gathered up the baby, and she washed him and dressed him and cuddled him, and then put him down in the crib and sat down beside the bed where her daughter lay, staring off into space. "You're going to be fine, Kashie," she said, reaching for Kash's hand. "You'll see. When you've had some rest. You're just tired." Is that all? Kash asked herself, staring at the wall, ignoring her mother. Am I just tired? She didn't feel just tired, though. She barely noticed the tears that were welling up in her eyes, and the way her shoulders were shaking. She didn't really realise anything until she felt the bed shift as the weight of another person joined her; as her mother gathered her up and held her, Kash began to cry in earnest, sobs reducing her body to a boneless, painful state as she wept until there was nothing left. But if that was supposed to help, it did not. In the days that followed, they asked her what the baby's name was going to be, and she told them that they could call him 'Thing' for all she cared. She couldn't figure out what it was she was supposed to feel: weren't you supposed to look at your child and be overwhelmed with love? She looked at him, and still, always, she felt nothing. She did know what his name was, though. She whispered it beneath her breath that night, when she was alone, tasting the sound of it. "Kasenak," she said. "Kasenak. Baby Kasenak." It was a compromise. A weyr name - which she'd wanted - and a name that included Kez, but didn't identify him - something they'd agreed was necessary. It was a good name, a solid name, but even whispering it in the dark made her heart hurt. Where was Kez now? Did he know that he had a son? Would he get to meet his son, one day? And more importantly: when would she get to see him again? She ached for him. Kez. Kez! I miss you. I want you. I need to get away from this; take me away. But where could she go? As soon as Kash and the baby were able to travel, Mira sent for her son, and K'del took them 'home'. Kash made no protests, but then, she interacted with very little these days, and most of the time, it was impossible to know if she was listening or not. Her listlessness concerned her mother, but Mira had gotten her daughter-in-law through a funk like this one, and she intended similar success with her daughter. But being back at the Vineyard seemed to do nothing for Kash, except, perhaps, make her worse. She barely seemed to notice when Kasenak cried; she never got the hang of breastfeeding, and more or less gave up from the start. It was Evelin, mother of three daughters by now, and still longing, desperately, for a son, who bonded to the baby: Mira watched her daughter-in-law thrive with the caring of this baby. She watched, too, Evelin's scorn, and her scathing words: "You have this perfect son, Nakasha, and look at you... moping around as if this was the end of the world." Kash barely seemed to notice. |
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