Logs:Trust (2)
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| RL Date: 2 April, 2015 |
| Who: Lilah, Tess |
| Involves: Fort Weyr |
| Type: Log |
| What: Lilah's first mindhealing session with Tess. They talk primarily of trust and Lilah gets homework. |
| When: Day 4, Month 6, Turn 37 (Interval 10) |
| Mentions: Astivan/Mentions, C'stian/Mentions, Gussarel/Mentions, Gustel/Mentions, Hattie/Mentions, Milataeri/Mentions |
| OOC Notes: Slightly back-dated at time of posting. Tess' player is not a psychologist. She's making it up as she goes~ |
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| Lilah's Sanitized Watercolor Weyr, Fort Weyr The whole of this weyr seems strangely sanitized and impersonal, with walls painted white and cleaned often if the subtle shine is any indication. The first room is vaguely triangular in shape, with the generous dragon's wallow carved into a deep curve towards the right. The rest of it appears to have been left as a reception room, a white-washed, stone table centered between the wallow and the far-left wall with its surface kept clear of any knickknacks and four varnished, wooden chairs of simple taste each claiming a side. On the left wall runs a long, brass shelf, upon which sits a small collection of bound books and a large fantastical watercolor depicting a scene that could never exist anywhere in Pern. Hooks under the shelf hold flight gear and even a flamethrower, still leaving space for more. A wide, doorless entryway at the northmost point of the triangle leads through to the rider's private quarters - an oval-shaped room a third of the size of the last. Within, the hearth is small, but finely-decorated with ceramic, white tiles, with a woven brass safety screen protecting the room from embers. The double bed lies in the left-hand portion of the room, made up with crisp, white linens and a down comforter covered with soft, white fabric embroidered with raised white vines. A white, wool blanket lies folded neatly at the bottom of the bed. In the middle of the far wall, another unprotected archway heralds the existence of another room: a small bathing room, complete with pool, basin and shelves, which hold a container of soapsand and a stack of towels.
Tess is punctual. Somewhere in the last few turns, she must have learned that punctuality is an important piece of laying the groundwork for trust with clients and made the effort for professional engagements. She arrives with only a small, chic satchel over one shoulder and calls as she enters, "Lilah? Are you decent?" There's a teasing note to her voice and a smile for the rider when she comes into sight. She might have ended up late if half the riding pair wasn't dozing when she arrives. If Eliyaveith is aware of another presence in her weyr, there's no outward sign as the queen sleeps on except for the subtlest flaring of her nostrils to take in the air, but then the breathing continues. Lilah is decent, of course, in the faded grey uniforms much like those worn at Dice, comfortable even. But it's those hides that she starts gathering at the sound of Tess' voice, inviting her in as she does with a quiet, "Yes, but Eliyaveith is sleeping." She moves up from her seat to place those hides away on the shelf, inviting the healer to sit with a gesture to any of the chairs at the table. Tess lowers her voice appropriately as she answers, "That will give us an opportunity to talk. Is it a concern for you that she might overhear what you tell me? Is there a way to ensure privacy for the individual rider?" She's still learning, so these questions only seem natural to be asked. The woman drops into a seat and lets the bag slide over its back. "We can shut each other out for a while, but eventually-- She will be able to know anything that I know. Keeping secrets from Eliyaveith is an exercise in frustration," Lilah answers to that dismissively, her dark gaze lifting briefly to her sleeping dragon before she shakes her head as if in one last comment on that subject. She moves to pour herself a fresher cup of klah, even while offering, "It is still warm. I just sent for it. And you're welcome to any of the fruit. I wasn't sure what you would want, but I ordered it for you." The healer listens with a thoughtful tilt to her head, nodding slowly to the explanation offered about privacy. Tess smiles warmly at the offer, "Yes, thank you," is given in answer for the klah. "What I'd like to do, once we're settled, is hear from you what you'd like to get out of these meetings." Whether comforting or discomforting, it appears she's not going to take notes then and there. The question seems to take Lilah by surprise, as if she hadn't thought of that. She takes the time to carefully pour Tess that cup of klah, processing the healer's request even as she slides the full cup over to her and settles back in her own chair. It is still a moment later that she has the answer, carefully replying, "I want to be someone that can be trusted to lead a Weyr when the time comes. That people would feel comfortable with coming to with their problems if need be. Someone that-- people would support." Tess nods, her expression serious. "Would you tell me more? Are there particular aspects of yourself you would like for us to address and seek positive change to get to that point?" A brief pause later, she explains, "Being able to jointly identify specific goals is typically very helpful to achieving them. I don't pretend that doing so is easy and we will, I'm sure, revisit them and modify them as time goes on, depending on how long you would like to pursue these sessions." Tess is encouraging but isn't going to twist her arm. It certainly isn't easy, but Lilah tries. She takes a breath in, sipping her klah, before she starts to explain as if maybe Tess can glean meaning from this: "Hattie doesn't trust me, if I were in her position. To care about her and protect her, or likely the rest of the Weyr. I am not sure how, sometimes, to show that I care." A pause, before she continues, "I need to be able to-- consider other people's feelings. Not just my own. I've been told I'm selfish." Tess validates her effort and gives her credit in the simple phrase of: "This sounds like very good places to start." The smile she has is a mild one, but meant to be reassuring in its own way. "If you were to pick one of these that you feel is the most pressing, which would you choose?" "That people trust me," Lilah decides, her words coming out before she really thinks about it. But then she pauses, restarts to twist them into a quiet, "That I can trust others and that I am the type of person that people can trust." "Okay," the healer nods a single, firm dip of her chin. "Then that's where we'll start. I find that it can be helpful to try not to take on too much at once, to focus on the most important first and then the next and so on. It helps keep things from seeming overwhelming, since, as the term implies, we don't tend to be as effective when we're struggling to keep our heads above water, though we can of course shift our focus if there's a pressing need for that some day." But that's not today. She lets her reach for her klah and a sip punctuate the conversation as transition. "So tell me about what it takes to earn your trust and times that you've recognized that being a hindrance to you." A place to start. There is another little thoughtful silence before Lilah begins, her fingers twisting at her mug as her gaze falls there. And then she starts, again, slowly: "My first friend here, she had secrets of her own. We'd worked together, Impressed together, and were weyrlings together. And our secrets came out, the fears and the past that we were running from--. I knew she wouldn't tell mine, because I knew hers." A pause, possibly realizing that is unhelpful, she continues, "With my other friend, there's just something about the way he was always truthful, even when the truth made him seem bad. He wouldn't ever lie to me. He was supportive and kind and--. I don't know." She shakes her head, dismissively, as she finally lifts her own klah for a long, bracing sip. Tess is always listening, even in silence. The delivery, the expressions on Lilah's face, the word choice, it all matters and the healer takes it all in with an open expression and attentive (but not uncomfortably direct) eyes. "So those you have trusted here are trusted by you either because of consistent honesty even when it has negative personal consequence or because equal trust was placed in you with the power to create negative consequence if you felt the need?" She paraphrases, checking her perception of what she's been told. "What about before? Before the Weyr. Trust in relationships you formed then." "I don't-- I don't know that I ever trusted anyone before," is hard for Lilah to admit, or perhaps just hard to say as she meets Tess' gaze. "There was family, of course, but they were my family. Even then, they did not trust me, after everything." A pause, before she explains for the healer, "I don't think I ever trusted them, either. My parents, my uncles and aunts. They were all so different from me, and I was different from them." It is obvious that she skirts around something, with that vague 'everything' and the way she phrases her words, but otherwise the goldrider seems to be doing her best to be honest and open. That it's hard, well, surely Tess has seen that in a patient before. It's probably that the mindhealer is not oblivious to the skirting, but she doesn't press for details just now. "I think I have a good place for us to begin," Tess says quietly, regarding the goldrider evenly. "With me. I realize that you must be taking a chance, doing this, talking to me. And time will play a role, but I think we can try to help it along. I need for you to trust me, if not this moment, eventually. What do you need from me?" This is as much about the relationship as Lilah's ability to identify what she needs when it comes to trust, though the healer doesn't explicitly say so. "I need your secrets. Something that would give me leverage if--." Lilah cuts herself off at that, perhaps already thinking about how this is going to paint her in the healer's eyes if she continues. Instead, she falls silent, studying Tess in turn. Tess doesn't look like she's perturbed by the goldrider's words, or even judging her for saying them. "Well," she does say consideringly, "unfortunately, you already have my biggest one. My specialty." Arguably, that's not even a very good secret, certainly not blackmail material. "And while leverage may work for some people, it's not going to work for everyone. Me, for example. So how else can you consider trusting me?" "I don't know," Lilah answers, only a buried hint of frustration for the question or for her lack of answer. "It's hard to trust someone. Even with your vows, if you ever decided it was in your best interest to use what I tell you for your own good... Why wouldn't you? What is to stop anyone from wanting to use my position or my history or any of it?" She stops, taking in a breath before she continues in a quiet murmur, "For the longest time, I couldn't get close to anyone because of what I did. And now, with her--." "In this hypothetical," Tess addresses the goldrider's concerns reasonably, "What do you think my motivations are? What would make it for my own good?" Then, gently, "When you're ready, but not before, you can tell me what you did that made it difficult to be close to anyone. And what it's like with her." The healer is calm, a rock against any emotional maelstrom that might arise. "Marks, using it for a better position at the Hall if you reported to the Master Healer," is the first two answers that come easily to Lilah, perhaps others left unsaid being a further grasp to make even for the goldrider. She doesn't answer the first suggestion, but it's the second that does get a murmur of, "She's always there. Even when she's not, when she blocks me out, that absence is there. And then, there's always her color." Tess gives the goldrider's words due consideration. "Marks are nice to have, but better when earned. I didn't appreciate them and the value of them when I was a girl, but having apprenticed and since a journeywoman, I've found I prefer my marks well-earned. As for position, I find that I prefer that earned, as well, through my individual merit. If I wanted status, I could just get married. But I've been prepared to cut ties with my parents since I was twelve and only my brother's peacekeeping efforts have staved that off thus far." She tilts her head, "Do you believe there are people who do what they do in life because they love it? Or because they have truly altruistic intentions?" The matter of Eliyaveith will, most likely, be addressed in a moment for she doesn't now. That question gets only the slightest tip of Lilah's chin, but she clarifies firmly, "Yes, but everyone wants something. I don't believe that everyone will use you to get it, but--." But, but. There is a flicker of bitterness in dark eyes even as they drop to the fruit, picking through them until she finds a red berry that she likes. "That's true," Tess will give her that. "What does Eliyaveith want?" It might seem non sequitur, but the mindhealer probably has her reasons. "She wants-- To be here. To have her own family and be strong for them," Lilah answers with a glance to the sleeping dragon, her volume dropping even as she does as if talking about Eliyaveith might wake her. "She wants me to be a better person." A pause, before she offers in wry humor, "She should have just chosen someone else." "Does she think she should have chosen another person?" Tess queries evenly. "Do you feel learning to trust people and becoming perceived as trustworthy would make you, in your own estimation, a better person?" Lilah's lips curve into the slightest smile, her comment encompassing all of dragonkind as she says, "No. They never think that they're wrong. Not when it comes to that." The next question is met with a moment's silence, as the goldrider studies Tess in turn. "I think-- it is certainly what she would want. And everyone else would think so." A pause, before she does finally agree, "I think it would. A better person, a better leader. A better weyrwoman." "So do you think she was wrong or do you simply not trust her that she was right?" Tess poses it simply, but the either-or of the question must be purposefully done. "I think--." This one, it seems, might be something that Lilah doesn't have an answer for, since that first attempt fails quickly and a long silence follows it. She finally explains, "I think that there were a lot of girls on the Sands that day, and many of them were better people than me. If she wanted someone that was kind, and generous, loving, and always-- She could have found someone else." "If she wanted that." Tess gives attention to the phrasing just to let it sink in, but doesn't pursue the topic more just now, as seems to be her modus operandi. "So," she says the word decisively now, "one challenge of learning to trust people in your particular situation is that many," she won't say all, "of the people you'd like to see yourself learn to trust have done nothing, personally, to warrant your distrust, which means your instinct not to trust them now comes from within," allowing for the fact that it may not always be so. "So, this seven, I'd like for you to identify three people you'd like to come to trust and write down at least one personality trait you admire of theirs and any reasons you feel they've given you to distrust them." A pause, "I'm not going to ask to see the list, but when we meet again, we may talk about some of the things you've identified." Another pause before, "You're never obligated to tell me anything you don't wish to, but the more you are comfortable telling me, the more I may be able to help guide you. This is, after all, your journey." There's a slight, encouraging smile for that. "Do you have any questions for me before we close this first session? I never like to do too much the first few times we meet because we're still getting to know one another." And it's easier to hit deeper more volatile issues with a foundation of trust first. "How often do we do these? I know you cannot tell me how long it will take, but--." It is obvious that the goldrider wants one, however. Lilah won't say it, though, as she looks to the younger woman across from her. "We'll start with once a seven," it's matter of fact, "unless your schedule doesn't allow for it on a particular seven. So long as you feel you're getting something out of it, which I hope you will and know you won't know for some sevens yet, we'll continue on. If there's a particular issue that arises and you want to address it before our next scheduled session, you only need to find me." She takes a few swallows of her now cool klah before addressing the unspoken desire. "I know it can be difficult to not think of this as finding a way from point 'A' to point 'B' as efficiently as possible, but you may find it less frustrating if you think of talking with me as a routine part of your seven. Not as a duty, but something that should, I hope, help you decompress each week. Even if it's different than dropping by healer for a massage and mineral scrub," she sighs wistfully before flashing a smile. Lilah nods simply, only offering the healer with a matter-of-fact, "I will take care of arranging for a time. Making myself think of it as a weekly ritual, well. I think I would prefer a massage." But she does offer a smile in turn for Tess, moving to rise from her chair with energy that has gone ignored during the session. "How are you settling in at Fort? Is there anything that you need?" "Perhaps one day, I'll surprise you," Tess suggests with a nearly cheeky quirk to her smile. She's surely trained for that, right? "I'm settling in nicely, I think. I'm enjoying what I'm learning. I appreciate the help I've been getting to begin to think in less dry text-book ways about riders and their lifemates. And I ran into Cas-- that is, to say, C'stian which is nice. We're supposed to get together sometime so he can introduce me to Liesanth." She doesn't rise just yet, but rather works on finishing her cup of klah. Warm humor curves at Lilah's lips for the suggestion, her chin tipping in a point that suggests the possibility could happen. "What are you charged to learn about riders and their lifemates, while you are here?" she questions with light interest. "I am sure C'stian can help you--." And there is a thoughtful look on behalf of the goldrider, a study made of Tess that is more interested than before as she tries to find something there when she brings up C'stian again. "I don't know that I would call it being charged," Tess disputes the choice of phrase. "Certainly, I'm encouraged to learn about riders and their lifemates and their bond and how that impacts them, as a mindhealer, but more than that, I want to learn about it. It's been suggested to me that the best way to learn about it is to Stand and Impress myself," there's wry humor in her voice there, though a seriousness that doesn't dismiss the idea. "I can't help riders if I don't understand them, and helping is what I want." It's decidedly an answer to one of Lilah's earlier assertions that everyone wants something. "I love my work," she adds with a nearly besotted sort of smile. "I hope he will. He always did back at the Hall. We were friends. Only a turn apart in our studies." She adds, explaining. "Impressing is one way, yes. And you wouldn't have to give up your work to be a dragonrider, in an Interval. Though, finding a balance between your duties and healing--." Lilah stops herself on that subject, her gaze sliding towards the sleeping queen and then past her to the ledge and beyond. "It may not be long before we have eggs, either. If the rumors are true that Elaruth has gone proddy again," is said in a quiet murmur, but she dismisses the entire subject quickly with a shake of her head. "Then you'll at least be able to see what changes Impressing a dragon can bring. If you knew C'stian before." "It is," Tess agrees, "Although, there are many profound life experiences that a mindhealer may not have had directly but still must strive to understand and appreciate to the best of her knowledge. Not that the Impression of a dragon and all that comes with it is comparable to other profoundly life-changing experiences, necessarily," since she can't say with certainty that it is or isn't, "I have hope that I shall be able to do a tolerable job of it, if I speak with enough riders and collect enough experiences and ask enough questions." She has to hope that, doesn't she? Since what she wants is to help and Impression, even if she elected to Stand is not guaranteed. She doesn't comment on the matter of Elaruth, but can she really be expected to? It's not like she's any sort of expert yet. "I am looking forward to getting to know him again. It's been turns now, since he left to Stand, that is." She sets her klah mug down on the table. "Lilah," is a gentle request for attention. "I don't have secrets, but I also don't usually disclose everything about myself to every person I meet, but rather in the natural course of events. However, given the particular issues of trust we're going to be addressing, I feel it's important to disclose this to you now lest you feel it's something I intentionally hid from you if I were to let it simply come out in the natural course of things. Will you do me the favor of listening and trying not to see it as a reason not to trust me?" The question is certainly enough to earn the goldrider's interest, the curve of brows lifting upwards slightly before Lilah tips her chin. "I would say that if it is something that endangers my Weyr--," she warns, attempting something at gently. "It's not," Tess can readily assure. "My parents are the Holders at Fort River Hold. I'm their oldest daughter and I willfully left to willfully apprentice," imagine the horror, "when I was twelve. My brother is set to inherit the Hold in time, but Fort River," not her Hold, "as I'm sure you must know was one of those deeply affected by Astivan's disappearance. I didn't request Fort Weyr as a posting, my timing here is coincidental, and I haven't told my parents that I'm here because I don't want them to think I should be a part of a place that is not my home any longer. Though I do worry for the people I knew and cared for there in light of the inevitable shortages." A pause. "This is all to say that I have no political agenda here. As you will see through my actions over time. But I didn't want it to come as a surprise to you if and when we get around to ever talking about my Hold of origin." This explanation is processed in silence as Lilah's dark eyes remain weighted on the young woman. What she finally replies is perhaps nicer than one would expect, given what she's said before. She offers a simple, "There is little I can do, even if you did have an agenda. Even if I had an agenda, the Weyrleader and Weyrwoman have control over how the Weyr will respond." A pause, before she continues, "Avoiding politics during our sessions would probably be best, in any case. Unless you think that they need to be." "Fortunate for us both then that I don't." Tess answers Lilah with a ready smile. "Most of your goals seem personal in nature, and I'm not qualified to counsel on the greater political scheme. You'd need a harper for that, I suspect." There's wryness there, but more seriousness as she reassures, "We will only touch on political matters as you feel they are relevant to achieving your goals." "I think I would need much more than a harper, for that," Lilah replies in dry honesty in return, but she does nod at Tess' reassurance, acknowledging it. "I will have that list by our next session," is added to assure her in turn that she hasn't forgotten. "And-- thank you." "Oh, I don't know," Tess drawls as she rises and pulls her bag back over her shoulder. "It might depend on the harper. I dated this one guy, who thought he knew everything about politics, Pern-wide. Barely talked about anything else," the healer rolls her eyes, "but he had great shoulders." Obviously, it's a redeeming quality. "I'm sure I could introduce you," is added in a tone that suggests there's no chance on Pern she expects Lilah to accept the offer made only in jest. "You're welcome, Lilah," is kept simple, with a smile for the goldrider before she's moving for the exit. "I think I'd rather not," Lilah replies, as expected, though she does smile thoughtfully for the comment on shoulders. She only spares a moment to watch Tess leave, before she is back to those hides that were abandoned. Eventually, eventually, she will dig out a blank one and stare at it for a while as well, before slowly putting ink to paper to write out a list. |
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