Logs:Two-and-a-Half Months
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| RL Date: 2 April, 2011 |
| Who: Madilla |
| Involves: High Reaches Weyr |
| Type: Vignette |
| What: Madilla still has no answer for Varens. |
| Where: High Reaches Weyr |
| When: Day 0, Month 5, Turn 25 (Interval 10) |
| Mentions: Delifa/Mentions, Varens/Mentions |
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| It's been nearly two and a half months, now, since the proposal. Early on, Madilla suggested a compromise: they both live at the weyr, and Varens commutes to the Hall for work every day. It... well. It didn't go down well. "I don't want to spend my life going back and forth, Dilly, sweetheart. That's the reason we're having this conversation at all. Why won't you just come home with me?" He wasn't angry; he's rarely angry. But he was frustrated, and Madilla felt the weight of that keenly: was it fair of her, to make this so difficult? Why couldn't she just do what would make him happy? What would - in almost every way - make her happy, too? But she's still not comfortable with the idea of taking Lilabet away from her father, and even if that weren't the case, the idea of leaving the weyr behind makes her feel cold and alone inside. She's been here nearly eight turns. Too long to abandon at the drop of a hat. And so, the months pass. Varens is increasingly frustrated with her inability to answer; Madilla is increasingly unsure of herself, frustrated with the situation. She's briefly concerned that she might be pregnant, which is-- well. She wants to be pregnant, even floats around on a cloud of air for a few days with the secret joy of the prospect, even if the timing is messy, and would no doubt complicate everything. When her bleeding arrives, days late, relief wars heavily with regret and loss; she mourns the loss of this baby that never was. Delifa doesn't want her to go. Delifa won't say as much, but it would be difficult to miss it, even for Madilla. She doesn't think it's because the older Journeyman doesn't want to lose her; she suspects that it's more about what's best for Madilla herself, and loves her mentor for it. Delifa knows that Madilla would be good at teaching and mentoring the newest Apprentices. But she knows, too, that Madilla would miss her infirmary work - miss the range of work she does. Everyone specialises at the Hall. Madilla would teach, and perhaps spend some time in the Pharmacy, but there would be no call for a Pharmacist to take patients. And still, Varens asks those questions: "Don't you love me, Dilly? Don't you want us to be together?" She does. She misses him, every night he isn't there. She feels her heart go thump-thump-thump when he arrives. But she doesn't want to go. Doesn't want to give up this life of hers. Doesn't want to sacrifice. She feels selfish and heartless, and mourns each child-that-never-was as she soaks away her monthly bleedings. |
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