Logs:Understanding
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| RL Date: 27 September, 2014 |
| Who: Elise, Ulyana |
| Involves: Fort Weyr |
| Type: Log |
| What: Ulyana talks with Elise. Candidacy is discussed - and an understanding, of sorts, is reached. |
| Where: Kitchen, Fort Weyr |
| When: Day 4, Month 12, Turn 35 (Interval 10) |
| It's lunch time and the kitchens are alive, roiling with cooks and steam and a plethora of mouth-watering aromas. All of it is a dance of controlled chaos - and it's a dance that all the cooks know all too well. Interlopers unfamiliar with it might well disrupt the whole thing, but Ulyana's no stranger to the rhythms of the kitchens and she's able to slip inside without difficulty. She tucks herself into an alcove of sorts and sheds the jacket she wears; her nose and cheeks are nipped with the chill outside and the girl appears to have recently arrived from some sort of trek outside. She lingers off to a side for just a few more moments until she finds somewhere to stow the jacket - and until she can find a familiar face among the cooks. While she isn't a cook herself, Elise definitely counts as 'among the cooks' at the moment even if she is smart enough to stay out from under their feet. She's sitting at one of the tables, picking things from her plate with picky little picks of her fork while most of her attention lies on the pages of the book she has open in front of her. Sporadically she'll pull herself away long enough to take a bite, and it's during one of those breaks that she notices Ulyana. Her head tilts and she tries to catch the girl's eye, if that goes well she'll also subtly jerk her chin in a 'come on over' sort of way. It goes well enough, in the end. Ulyana's calculated quest for familiarity ends, though not in the way she had planned. The jacket is folded over an arm and she threads her way deftly through the perilously shifting knots of cooks and servers toward the table occupied by the rider. Her expression is impassive, as always, but that expression creases just a little as she draws close enough to be conversational. It's a momentary furrowing of the brow that settles out soon enough. "How may I help you?" is an automatic response and a rather clear expression of her interpretation of that summoning chin-jerk gesture. "You can take a seat, you looked like you were looking for a seat. Were you not?" Clearly Elise misinterpreted and she looks slightly chagrined. "If you were there's a seat here, so you don't have to stand. Standing in here is dangerous, I'm sure you've noticed." She throws a significant glance at one of the especially large cooks, and maybe really specifically her elbow. "Anyway. How are you? I haven't seen you in so long." She flips the cover of her book closed very decisively. This is more important. There is only a slow, slow blink at the onslaught of questions and words, with Ulyana clearly taking her time to parse the lot and condense it into usefulness. The offer of a chair is taken wordlessly, with the girl neatly hanging the jacket on the back before she goes through the nigh-mechanical motions of pulling the chair out, sitting in it, and scooting forward. Her hands fold in her lap and it's only after Elise is done that she intones in that queer, flat way of hers, "Thank you. I was looking for a cook." One shoulder rises and falls. "I will find him later." Her gaze rests squarely on Elise, unblinking and inscrutable, as she answers the last with, "I have been busy. I suspect you have been much more busy than I have been, however." Her mouth pulls slightly to one side, only to straighten out as some thought or another is summarily dismissed. "What are you reading?" is what emerges instead. In the face of Ulyana's expressionless-ness Elise's lips press together and her brow furrows just slightly, it's kind of like a bemused smile. "What do you need a cook for?" she asks gently, in a way that suggests if she doesn't get an answer she'll live. If Ulyana isn't bothered by her lack of a cook then the goldrider will just follow suit. "I usually am very busy, yes," she agrees easily but without a sense of any urgency. It's a such is life kind of thing. That question leads her to look down at the book and it's her turn for a non-committal shrug. "It's, um... It's just my great-uncle's biography. Nothing major. What were you going to say?" She asks that with a lift of one eyebrow. "He makes the best ginger crisps, that is all." Easy enough, really. Ulyana proceeds onward with the conversational shift in her usual fashion - slowly, deliberately, and lacking in intonation. "He must have been important to have had a biography written," she observes. "Who was he?" And while she might happily - if one can say she's ever 'happy' about anything - knuckle into that, it's the latter observation and resulting query that gives her pause. In a rare expression of reluctance, the girl sucks her teeth and adjusts the folding of her hands in her lap. Finally: "I am supposed to talk to a rider about the realities of riding." Her mouth contorts. "The Weyrleader was not helpful when I asked for elaboration." "Oh. Well then." Ginger crisps. Elise puts her hands up, if Ulyana wants ginger crisps then she can have ginger crisps. As for her great-uncle and his importance or lack thereof? "He was a Holder of a major Hold just outside of Tillek. I don't know if that makes him terribly important but he was my mother's uncle and he was quite successful at what he did apparently. Having a biography doesn't necessarily mean you were some great person anyway, right? Just that someone was interested enough in you that they wanted to write all about you." A shrug later and she looks across at her companion again, just in time to hear what was withheld a moment ago. "Ah I see. The Weyrleader is a great man in many ways but I could see how perhaps he'd be, ah... Well. Anyway. I can tell you some things if you want." "He was important enough to someone," Ulyana replies, "that they felt like writing a biography about him." This explanation is mildly offered some moments after the details are given. Those details are taken in and filed away - and if that biography happens to be property of the Records Room, there's no doubt it'll be sussed out and read at some point when Elise is done with it. Of course, that's all an aside at this point. The crux of the matter is raised and secured, leaving the girl to listen - and respond in her customarily delayed way, "I am uncertain of his greatness, but it is not my place to judge." Her mouth twists and she issues a singular left-right-center shake of her head. "He did not elaborate on what I was supposed to talk to the rider about. He was also not satisfied with my reason for Standing." Mildly aggravating, that, although the emotion does not linger on her features. There's something to it, but she presses on with a flat: "Why did you choose to Stand?" That point is given with a consenting tip of Elise's head to one side. But enough of her family, a point of conversation that seems to unrest her a little in the eyes of the overly-observant, which Ulyana might be. The younger girl's opinion of N'muir draws out an unexpected smile that she quickly tries to cover by leaning into her elbowed-up hand. She doesn't comment further on it, probably because she /shouldn't/, in the position she's in, but that wicked look in her eye is enough. However, Ulyana's feelings /are/ subject to comment and the furrow that subtly knits between her eyebrows is a prelude to her concern. "Well what was your reason?" Which comes almost at the same time as the same question is given to her, which results in another smile. "Oh my, well... I'm afraid my answer might not help." She looks down at the table and shrugs again. "I needed a reason to stay here. That's how it started, anyway. It turned into so much more when I realized that I had a family here. That I wanted to Impress more than anything. It suddenly felt right." A rueful twist of her mouth precedes the next. "And I failed the first time. And I stayed. And I failed the second time. And I stayed. Third time's a charm I suppose." If the smile is spotted, it's not reciprocated - or commented on. There are more pressing matters to tend to, after all, and Ulyana is nothing if not keen on prioritizing things. The furrowing of the goldrider's brows is curiously mirrored by the girl's own. The timing is part of it; the furrow only deepens as Elise continues. "No," comes slowly. "It is a very helpful answer." Her head tips, just a touch, with a curiously mechanical motion. "I am Standing out of obligation. I was asked to Stand by a bluerider. He asked me to promise I would do so. I promised. I do not break promises, even if I have come to doubt the rider." Her head straightens again and her fingers slide into another laced configuration in her lap. Her point is punctuated with a bland, matter-of-fact: "The difference is that I will not Stand again." "What? Wait." Elise puts up a hand to stop... everything, if possible. The kitchen still happens all around them though. "Is that the reason you gave N'm-... the Weyrleader? It sounds like a perfectly acceptable reason to me. Much better than mine. You were proper Searched by a rider. Of a blue dragon at that." Her wonder at it all is potent. She latches onto what Ulyana says last and leans forward with her eyes narrowed. "What do you mean? Not this current clutch certainly." "Yes. That is the reason. He felt it was not good enough and interpreted my obligation as Standing 'just because." Ulyana's gaze remains on Elise all the while, unblinking and strangely intense - perhaps for the reaction, perhaps for something else, it's hard to say. "He asked for my knots and told me I was absolved of my duty. I gave them to him. But, when I tried to leave the living cavern, his dragon pursued me. I panicked." Her hands ball themselves up into white-knuckled knots at the memory and her already pale skin takes on a sickly tinge. "When I... when it passed, he gave the knots back and said it was my choice to leave or stay, but that I still needed to speak with a rider." And that's where they are now. It takes some long moments for the tension to pass, long enough for her to give a left-right-center shake of her head to Elise's words. "I will Stand for this one to fulfill my obligation. I will not Stand again after that." "/Bijedth/ did that?" Elise is stunned, it's in her widened eyes and slightly open mouth. She lets her gaze wander away when it wants to while she thinks all of that over. Finally she seems to come to some kind of conclusion and with a finalizing nod of her head she says, "Alright." Eye contact is sought for again as she leans forward on her elbows, hands clasped atop the table. "First off, I'm sorry you were chased and... everything else. I really don't understand any of it. Second, you have your knots and you have the choice. And I happen to be a rider, and here we are, and you can ask me anything. Third, don't speak so hastily. I thought I'd never do it again, and I did, twice more remember, and I came away with a part of myself I never knew I was missing. So please. Don't let all of this force your hand." Relief - if it could be called that - finally washes over Ulyana at Elise's words. At the very least, her hands relax and her tensed features ease just a little into their naturally impassive state. "You do not need to apologize," she intones. "It happened. It was strange and confusing and I had given thought to leaving. Another Candidate convinced me to stay." Her mouth presses into a flat line for but a moment before: "I do not have anything to ask. I am aware that riders have duties to both their dragon and their Weyr. I understand that it is not an easy life, even if it is fulfilling." The flat line returns. "You eventually desired to Impress. I have no desire for it. Dragons did not exist to me until I was Searched - and my opinion of them has not been much improved since being here." To hear that Ulyana almost /quit/ doesn't help, that crease between Elise's eyebrows becoming a little more severe. Her lips press into a line again, this time to make her look more unhappy than anything else. "I'm glad you were convinced then. I know what it feels like to feel pushed out of a place with no other favorable choices. I wouldn't want that for anyone." /And/ she has nothing to ask? Elise looks like she might interrupt once or twice but doesn't. "Well. Since you already know everything there is to know." She's teasing, she tries to make it obvious by overplaying herself. "Let's focus instead on what /I/ don't know. Why a promise then? Why, when you have no desire to be here and no desire for the obvious end result of Impression would a /promise/ of all things make you stay against all else?" The teasing doesn't seem to translate well for Ulyana, who responds with a flat, "I know only what I am capable of knowing. Everything else is, as I understand it, deeply personal and cannot be easily explained." The mechanics and rules and regulations, that's one thing; the emotional, that's a whole other beast. Silence ensues while she listens and that silence continues to spin out in the wake of the question. In fact, it might seem that she's not going to answer at all, save for the slight narrowing of her gaze as if that might bring Elise even more in focus. "Because I made a promise to someone else, that is why. I do not break promises." Something seems to shift, threatening to completely crack her visage. Her voice pitches lower, not quite quavering but only through sheer force of will. "The Healers made me promise not to die when I was younger. I think they thought it was just a way to keep me focused on my treatment. It was more than that to me." She draws a breath and releases it slowly. "I keep my promises. I always have. If the dragons choose otherwise, that is -their- choice. There is only so much I can control." Even if it clearly pains her to know that at such a relatively young age. It seems to pain Elise somewhat too, who chews on her lip to keep herself focused when something else is so eagerly trying to get her attention. But the well of empathy in her eyes is impossible to hide. "I'm sorry that happened to you when you were younger." She very pointedly doesn't ask what may have happened, perhaps sensing that now isn't the time. She thinks about everything for another moment and takes a deep breath. "I'll talk to the Weyrleaders. I'll let them know what we talked about. And you're supposed to let the Headwoman know. But as I understand it, I'm to tell you the realities of what this life entails. So here goes." There is no trace of a smile now, only something very serious and also so much older than it should be when she proceeds. "Aedrielth is a singularly miraculous creature with many surprising and impressive gifts. She has a very heightened sense of her own abilities and has so much more control over them now than she ever did. But the fact remains that before her, I had friends, I had a sister in one of them, my life was simple and wonderful. Now, much later, I have lost that friend, or at least the most of what we had, I don't know where I stand with anyone in fact. My life is not simple though it is wonderful, and sometimes I'm so afraid that I want to cry and I do. I cry more now than I ever did because she /feels/ everything, in here." She lifts a hand to tap a finger to her temple. After a quiet pause she adds, "If you still will keep your promise knowing that nothing would ever be the same again if one of them finds you, then you're worthier than I was to stand and try." "Do not apologize for things you did not cause." The admonition is a mild one, intoned as something she's likely repeated time and time again for others. Ulyana rolls a shoulder in a lopsided shrug. "I am alive." And that's enough for her. It's the last she says for sometime; all of her attention is trained with marvelous intensity on Elise while she speaks. Her regard is inscrutable and heavy, but deeply receptive. And when it's done? The girl remains seated and silent for nearly a minute afterward. "I will speak to the Headwoman," is the first point of business. That she's pushing to her feet is surely sign enough that she'll be off to do that very soon indeed. She issues a single nod in her peculiar way, her expression impassive. "I keep my promises - but I promise nothing beyond my control. If a dragon finds me," and the idea is enough to elicit a faint contortion of her face, a contortion that's wholly unreadable, "then everything will have to change. Nothing stays the same." "Good," Elise says quietly, with a strange look on her face that's some odd combination of concerned, protective and a little bit sad. She smiles though, when the other girl stands, even if it's brief. It fades slowly and with it comes in that older-than-is-right shadow. "And so long as you know that then you have all of the knowledge I could ever pass to you." She tries another little quirk of her lips, then adds quickly, "If you ever need anything, someone to talk to or... I don't know, anything." That she means to say she's there is heavily suggested. The girl takes up the jacket and neatly pushes the chair in. "I doubt that is all of the knowledge you have," Ulyana points out blandly. "But, it is all that is needed for now." The jacket is folded over her forearm. The hastily added and curiously faltering words, however- all of that elicits a thoughtful knitting of the girl's brow. Somberly, she offers up in turn, "If you ever want someone to read to you, I would be happy to do so." It's with a shallow dip of her head that she pivots on a heel and proceeds to weave herself into the tumult that is the kitchens at work. |
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