Logs:What's Wrong With Me?
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| RL Date: 30 July, 2015 |
| Who: Nala, Aislara, Jynth, Ryerith |
| Involves: Fort Weyr |
| Type: Log |
| What: After a bad flight, Nala struggles with sexual attraction, or, more accurately, her lack of it. |
| Where: Main Beach, Southern Weyr |
| When: Day 26, Month 5, Turn 38 (Interval 10) |
| Mentions: M'vyn/Mentions |
| OOC Notes: Mentions of violence. |
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| Wherever Jynth and Nala have spent their time since early morning drills, they've been gone from the Weyr for much of the day, as is not so uncommon when the two of them need to get away from everything - or everyone? - at home. They usually return without a fuss and without much discussion of where they've been, but today a stab of guilt and pain finds its way to Ryerith, what satisfaction lingers in the background not enough to eliminate the ache. « ...I hurt her, » he tells the green, and whether this is true or not, this is the conclusion he's reached. He shares a flash of Southern's bowl, then focuses in on one, secluded end of the main beach, where his dishevelled rider, still wet from the baths or the ocean, sits slumped against a tree, her clothes not quite buttoned up right. It has never concerned Aislara or Ryerith to keep tabs on Nala and Jynth's whereabouts. Ryerith occasionally sends out tendrils of thoughts towards the blue, more to touch at him than locate him. The stab of guilt and pain catches Ryerith off-guard and she draws herself down that line of connection with Jynth to find the root of it. « You won? » she asks, curious and not at all hostile. The image of Nala is shared with Aislara and the concern her rider has draws Ryerith's along with it. « We will come. She must settle some things. » It seem to take forever to the green for them to be airborne and Between, when in reality their response is quick and efficient. Ryerith breaks from Between over that beach and she lands without any thought to the danger she may put into the speed and force behind her descent to the sand. Aislara takes only enough time to strip Ryerith of her straps before she hauls them with her towards Nala. One look at the bluerider has her settling the straps on the ground. She moves towards her, choosing not to speak. She settles beside the bluerider and offers her the comfort of her presence. Ryerith doesn't go far from the two. Ichor still trickles from some of the scratches and deeper gouges that Jynth has earned himself this time, yet he doesn't outwardly seem very concerned about the injuries he's sustained, his gaze fixed in worried shades of yellow and orange on Nala. « I won, » he confirms, for all that it means now, guilt too much for him to take any pleasure in the remembering. His rider looks through him more than at him, though there's no anger in the blankness that has taken possession of her features, and when Aislara sits beside her, she simply turns and curls into her, silent. She buries her head against the greenrider's shoulder and hooks fingers into fabric to hold her without being oppressive or moving to completely occupy the same space. Minutes pass without a word from her, then, finally, she murmurs, "Thank you." Ryerith looks to Jynth with a larger flash of concern for the injuries. « When Aislara calms her, we will have them look to your wounds. Were the others hurt worse? » That he has won another flight, at least this time, is causing her no sense of jealousy. Full of her own and Aislara's concern for the situation, she can't grasp any other feeling. Aislara's arms move to enfold Nala against her. She holds her, still not asking any questions. Ryerith must be supplying enough for Aislara to know what may have caused her upset. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asks, keeping her voice low and gentle. « ...I don't remember, » Jynth has to admit, with a shake of his head like he'd dislodge one memory or another. Fragments of the chase and a blur of colours spill from his mind, but nothing is clear by now, tainted by panic and revulsion born not of his own thoughts. Little by little, he stretches towards Ryerith, nose meaning to explore her shoulder in unconscious mirroring of his rider. "No," Nala immediately supplies, not unkindly, but it's a firm, clipped rejection of that idea, which leads to the realisation of another. "I have to go Between." She begins to get to her feet that very moment, shirt slipping from her shoulder to reveal darkening bite marks. "I have to, I have to, I have to." Ryerith does her best to tidy up those fragments, corralling them behind a swirl of ribbons. It is best to forget. She steps closer to the blue, prepared to offer what comfort she may physically. Her actions are reserved for her, though she does nothing to dissuade him from remaining near her. Aislara does not let Nala rise if she can hold her back. "You will go Between," she assures her, "We'll go home soon. You need to--," she hesitates, noticing the marks and paling against her own ideas of how Nala may have gotten them. "Did he do wrong?" she has to ask it, eyes widening as they move to hold Nala's gaze. "Are you hurt?" She's firm in these questions as her hand moves to tighten against Nala's arm. Jynth rests his head against Ryerith's shoulder, but with adrenaline fading and pain beginning to rise, he's wise enough not to fold himself in close to her. The bluerider flexes against being held back, though she doesn't fight beyond the surge of that impulse to get away. "It was a flight," and, "I caught," are what Nala uses to explain away the state she's wound up in, dismissive. "The chase was... anger and hurt and I did not do anything to stop it. I couldn't. He did not do anything wrong. I must have hurt him too." She sags back against the tree. "It was... sudden. We were not here for that." There's still no anger in her, just resignation to the reality of it. "I could have had more control. We were as bad as each other." It's as much as she can manage, though she adds a shrugged, "He wanted more... after. I couldn't." Ryerith curves her own neck back to rest briefly against Jynth before she moves to settle down in the sand. « We will rest and wait for them » she decides as her tail slinks in a loose half-circle against Jynth. Aislara doesn't know how to handle Nala's dismissive attitude as a frown surfaces and settles her brows in a pensive dip downwards. "Whose anger and hurt?" she asks, tone uncertain as she hesitates on continuing to seek details. "Sometimes they want that," she murmurs, shifting her gaze from Nala out towards the water further down the beach. "It's fine you didn't want to." She doesn't know what else to say and so she remains quiet as she contemplates the rolling waves. Nala observes the path of Ryerith's tail and lets herself rest against Aislara once more, some understanding there that both she and Jynth are surrendering to the green and her rider. "...I don't know," she sighs out, closing her eyes. "Maybe some of mine," she'll admit. "It gets... fuzzy after Jynth got hurt. I know I'm a hypocrite. I hate it when it is men I do not know. I hate it when it is men." With one obvious exception. "...It is not the same as after a flight." Or outside of one. "A-And I hate that I'm saying this to you. It is not fair. Or right. I have no good reason to-- and I am not attracted to other women-- or even--" Men? "...What's wrong with me?" Aislara keeps her gaze steadily on the waves as she listens to Nala's admittance and proceeding questions. She moves a hand to the side to bridge the physical gap between them, seeking Nala's with her own. "I have my reasons for disliking flights out of my control.. and for having an aversion to men during them," she shares with Nala, "we all develop our own... issues isn't the right word. Our own...," she struggles with trying to explain herself and sighs, "We all have our own personal battles we have to face. Perhaps this is one of yours." She turns her head at Nala's question and tightens her fingers. "Nothing is wrong with you. I don't find myself physically attracted to anyone else," she tells her, shrugging. "Sometimes when someone is especially kind.. or funny-- Y'ral was funny, I find myself attracted. But physically?" Again a shrug. "Why do you think something is wrong with you?" "...Most people seem to know whether they like men or women, or both..." Nala utters in weak protest, lacing her fingers tight through Aislara's. "I thought I liked men because... I was told I liked men. I would marry a man. And then you-- I liked you. I liked who you are and I was attracted to you and-- I wanted you." She tilts her head a little. "I think you're beautiful and I love you, but it was not-- physical. The wanting. I wanted... you." She twists her lips and shakes her head, dissatisfied with her explanation. "I don't-- I don't like men and I don't like women, so-- But I love you and I want you and... sometimes all I can think about is you and hav-- being with you." "I don't know," Aislara replies, turning to face Nala as she speaks, "what other people seem to know because I rarely ask them their preferences. I-- my first time was in a flight," she adds, lower lip drawing in to be pressed between her teeth for a moment. "So I don't even know what I was supposed to want or do," she continues with a shrug. A blush creeps its way from cheeks down to her chest as she listens to Nala's description of her feelings for her. Fingers are clasped tighter and then she lifts Nala's hand to her lips to press a kiss against the bluerider's palm. "I love you," is a simple enough reply, followed by, "and I will confess I have not wanted another since you've come into my life. But, Nala, if you do--, I mean with M'vyn, or another..., you know," she hesitates, that blush furthering in her nervousness, "you know I'd still be here for you. It wouldn't change what's between us." "...Since Jynth stopped chasing so much, I have not-- even then, I was not attracted to anyone I--" It's all half-thoughts, whether Nala is unable to verbalise them completely for her sake or Aislara's. "It was just... need. Not even mine." Her eyes are narrowed in contemplation as she speaks, these realisations seemingly coming to her the instant that she puts the words together. "I don't want anyone else," she insists. "You and-- M'vyn," the bluerider manages to say, despite any misgivings, "I am not... interested in anyone else. Physically or-- otherwise. Does any of that make sense? When Jynth chases... it feels like I'm going mad." "Flights aren't about our needs or our wants, they're about our dragons'," Aislara answers in a tone that borders on one she falls to when teaching weyrlings. She shakes her head, looking away as she lets an embarrassed smile flit across her features. "I've been working too much lately," she confesses, explaining away her tone and explanation. She dips her head back and stares up at the leaves and exposed sunlight above them. "You're making plenty of sense, Nala. I wish I could explain it for you, or help you find a reason to it all, but I can't." She dips her head back down and looks to the bluerider. "You aren't going mad. You're very much Jynth during a flight. We're all small fragments of ourselves then. People do and say and behave in manners they never would've on their own. I don't think it ever gets any easier. Some flights are simply better than others." Nala turns and lowers her head, meaning to tuck herself beneath Aislara's chin and stay there, the beat of her heart beneath her ear. "...I'm sorry," she murmurs, but at the same time she can't quite untangle her regret for near falling apart from what gratitude she has for understanding, and so she follows up her apology up with, "and thank you." She moves to wind her arms around Aislara and hold her close, even if she is practically in the greenrider's lap. Silence falls again, until she gathers the wherewithal to say, "Jynth needs his wounds cleaning. And I..." Maybe something along the same lines for her, since those marks aren't confined to her collarbone. Aislara falls to gently running her fingers through Nala's hair as the bluerider tucks herself close against her. She lets that silence fall and doesn't answer either the apology or the thank you with words. They don't seem to be needed. Her gaze moves from the waves back to Nala and she nods in agreement. "Let's go and take care of that. If he can tolerate it, I'd rather take you both home to Fort to see to your wounds. I trust our healers." She didn't live at Southern like Nala has and the entire idea of finding help within the Weyr is far too foreign to her. She gently extracts Nala from her body and rises, moving a hand down to help Nala do the same once she's standing. "You can stay with us tonight," she offers, not letting go of Nala's hand as she offers it. "And for however long you need until you feel... more yourself." Nala doesn't appear any more inclined to linger at Southern and seek out their dragonhealers, though she does quickly inspect where ichor runs over hide, testing to make sure that none of Jynth's wounds are so deep as to cause serious problems Between. She keeps hold of Aislara's hand, anchoring herself to her until straps need to be dealt with and climbed for the return to Fort, and though she surrenders both herself and Jynth to their respective healers, she doesn't stray further from the greenrider than is necessary. Her offer is wordlessly accepted, for she and Jynth stay with them through until morning... and the next morning, and the next, until she reluctantly makes herself face her empty weyr and sleeping alone again. |
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