Difference between revisions of "Logs:Misunderstandings"

It's an echo of the past that sees Milani waiting for A'son to head off on a late afternoon sweeps shift, waiting until Nikoth's popped Between and then, /then/ working with that bluerider to get the bedframe up onto the dragon's back to bring up to his weyr. Second time's the charm? After about a half hour of grunting and cussing and wielding tools, the thing is put together and Millie makes up A'son's new bed. Again. And then she waits. Not naked this time, but sitting cross-legged and quiet, with her letter in her lap, skirts tucked under her legs. Other than maybe a ding in the paint where the frame bumped, there's little enough to tell that someone's been here ... and still is.

It's night when A'son finally arrives back at his weyr. Nikoth lands clumsily on the ledge as always, followed by his rider cursing under his breath as he dismounts. He comes in and tosses his jacket onto the couch, he watches where it falls and then looks around. His eyes catch almost immediately onto the ding in the paint. There's a frown and he walks over, touching it. "Did he really... No, not here." He keeps going along the line and heads into the inner part of the weyr, stopping short when he sees the bed and Milani on top of it. "Please leave. We'll give you a ride down." A'son says without emotion, before turning around and going back to the main area.

Eyes closed, Milani swallows hard as she catches those sounds of his return and slowly unfolds the letter in her lap. And there he is. Emotionless. And asking her to leave. She doesn't move, just looks up at the ceiling like she's searching for strength. "Forgive me. Please," is all she says at first, though her fingers are caught in the pages of that letter.

A'son goes back out and gets his jacket, pulling it on again. He returns to the divider and runs his hands into his hair. "I asked you not to do this. That it'd be better for both of us if you didn't." There's a shake of his head and he turns back and paces into the living area, walking back and forth in there as he waits for her to get up.

"How could it possibly be better for us both, to be walking around in pain all the time, over a stupid misunderstanding?" Milani asks from the divide between spaces, leaning against the wall there, pale, eyes a little wide. "I've been going out of my mind for weeks, trying to figure out why you left, why you didn't come back, why you wouldn't talk to me." Her voice starts to shake and she swallows hard just once, tries to squeeze the tears back in where they belong. "Now I know and I think I might just go /really/ crazy, because of it. Because if I'd had any idea that you were coming back, there is no way in hell that you would have walked in on what you did."

A'son's hands open and close into fists as he paces to and fro in front of the couch. Her last line causes him to pause and look at her. "Really? So you're saying that maybe you would have waited until you knew for /sure/ that I wasn't coming back before you slept with him? Made sure you patted me on the head and sent me on my way?" He starts to walk, stops again and then points at a work bench he's made on the other side of the weyr. "You see that stool over there?" His tone indicates that this is something important to him, this thing.

"I wouldn't have slept with him /at all/, ever again, if I thought you were coming back. What was I supposed to think? I woke up and you were gone. Everything was gone. Like you'd never been there. No note. Nothing. I went looking for you in the bathroom even. You couldn't even tell me that you loved me when I said it to you. I thought you were pulling back again, running away, for ... I don't know what reasons." Her hand lifts shakily to brush at her face, wipe at the tears. "I waited for hours. Even past when I should've been at work. And when he knocked on the door, I was hoping it was you. But instead it was him. And I made a mistake. I thought you were telling me that you weren't interested, that you'd only needed something after the flight. It was a mistake." Her voice peters out and she looks over at the stool, then back at him, face all blotchy from those tears that keep slipping down her face.

"Did you stop to think that maybe something /happened/ to me? That I wasn't able to get back right away? That I didn't leave a note because I /thought/ I wasn't going to be long?" A'son smacks his hand into his shoulder. "I had to go to the infirmary, Millie. I was fucking bleeding again. It took awhile before I could get back. Don't try and say that a couple of hours of me being gone means it was okay for you to jump to conclusions and hop into K'del's lap." He goes over to that stool and picks it up. "This is the second stool. Do you know what happened to the first one?" He points to the wall behind him. "N'thei threw it into the wall and then had the leg of it in his hand. Because he came here to punch me in the face a couple of a times. Do you now why he would want to do something like that, Millie? Why my /friend/ came to fucking kick my ass?"

Eyes wide, Milani slides down the wall to the floor. "There... there wasn't any blood, why ... why would there be anything wrong?" No, it didn't occur to her and this time her forehead drops to her knees, face hidden. "I'm not saying it's okay. I'm asking you to forgive me for making a mistake ... because I haven't been able to tell if I'm coming or going since you came back. Hoping and trying not to hope, when I want to be with you so much." She looks up at him, horrified. "He came here ... because of me, didn't he? Because of what I said." Her voice dies then, hands pressed to her mouth. There's no more words for a little while, just her eyes on him, mortified. "I -- I only told him because .. because I was w-worried and thought -- thought he could help you. Since you wouldn't talk to me."

"I went to take a bath. It started there." A'son explains dropping the stool down roughly onto the floor. "It's done, Milani. It's done, there isn't anything left. You just, I can't even believe you would think that I would do /that/ to you. Maybe because you think that sex and sleeping with people is something you give away like favors at a party, that that's how it is for everyone else? You're wrong." When she looks at him horrified, he can only nod. "A few other things. But he seemed pretty pissed about that. Lets make something clear, the next time you want to spread our dirty laundry to other people? You keep one of the /only/ friends I have out of it. He's one of the few people that's been there with me since the beginning and you went and told /him/ that I fucked you and ran out? Are you kidding me?" Incredulous expression, seething rage, hurt. It's all there.

Silence from the floor. Milani's eyes close and she just sits in silence for a long time. "When you came back," she finally says in a voice that's not much above a whisper. "I thought that there might be a little while. Just a little while and then we'd be together again. For good. Like we were at Ista, only better, because it would be every day and every night the way I've always dreamed about it. If you'd told me then, that we were going to wind up like this, I would never have believed it in a million years." Her eyes open and she looks up at him, expression dulled. "I've hurt and betrayed you. The one person I love more than anyone else in the world, other than my family. The one person I'd do anything for. Hurt you this much, and all by mistake." She swallows hard then, gets to her feet, walks toward him and stops just shy of where he is. "So you're right. You're right. There's no way to fix this. Because you'll never see me as someone to respect ever again, will you?"

A'son's eyes go down to the floor, to examine his boots. "I thought, the night after the flight? That everything was going to be okay again. I didn't care about the night before, I didn't care what was going to happen to me. I just cared that I loved you and that we were close again. I just cared about you. And just because I didn't say it back, doesn't mean that I wasn't showing you." When she gets up close him, he folds his arms across his chest. "I don't know, Millie. I don't know anything about this anymore. How am I supposed to forget? Forget hearing you and him?" Quietly. "How, how could you let him touch you, after us?"

Milani can't do anything but hang her head in shame as he says all of that. "I was so happy, Ays. So happy. For that whole night. Just like our first time together. When you promised me turnover. For five minutes after I woke up, I thought the same thing. That nothing that had happened before mattered, because we'd be together." She lifts her head then, looking to meet his eyes, look him square in the face. "For the Weyr. To make sure he walked out of there more a man after Tiriana tore him down. Because the Reaches needs a Weyrleader, not a little boy with a knot on his shoulder. And because ... I thought you didn't want me, after all."

"For the Weyr." A'son repeats dully, searching her face. "I hope the assumption was worth it." He looks down and begins to the button his jacket up. "I'll bring you down to the bowl, when you're ready." He walks to the ledge, hands shoved deep into his pockets. He pauses on his way, to turn back to her, "There are others way to make someone a man, that don't involve your bed."

And what he'd find in her face are mixed emotions, terrible, terrible grief, desperation, shame and yet, still, after all, love. For him. "It might still be, for the Weyr," Milani answers from where she stands, arms creeping up around her mid-section. "But never for me. That choice has cost me you. It's a high, high price to pay." Silence again. "If I could take back that moment, I would," is her only answer as she wipes at her face and then follows after him. The letter gets left behind, forgotten in the shuffle on his bed.

Nikoth waits out on the ledge, watching the arrival of rider and woman with a sad tint to his whirling eyes. He whuffles apologetically at Milani, stretching his head out to her. A'son stiffly ignores the easier expressed emotions of his dragon, going to his side to help her get up. It seems he doesn't have anything left to say, no response to the rest of her answers.

Old habits die hard. Milani lifts her hand to touch Nikoth's muzzle, runs her fingers up towards that one spot he likes so much and smiles just a little. "I'm sorry, Nikoth, that I've messed your rider up so badly," she murmurs down low to the bronze, then climbs aboard without comment or any lingering.

The bronze presses his muzzle into her hand, affectionate. A'son helps Milani up on board where she needs it, then goes up himself. Without further words spoken, Nikoth turns around and leaps from the ledge, taking them both down to the ground below.

It's not a long ride, but Milani leans forward to wind her arms around his waist, to put her head down against his shoulder and pretend for a moment. On the ground her arms squeeze for just a moment, before she lets him go. "I've always been your girl," she murmurs in a broken voice. "Always." A pause. A breath and finally: "I'm sorry. I hope ... I hope Persie'll make you happy." And then she's slipping away, down to the ground and looking back just once with everything still in her eyes. "Good bye."