Difference between revisions of "Logs:A Turn And A Half"

Madilla felt... powerful was the wrong word, maybe, but in control, at least, as she walked away: she was doing the walking away, she'd said what was on her mind, she was not going to turn back and look at him. She was upset, wished she could do something to comfort him, but at the same time, was sure of herself: she'd done the right thing.

How she actually felt she didn't realise until later, when, halfway through her bath, she found herself utterly overwhelmed with sadness, tears rolling uncontrollably down her cheeks.

Nor did they stop.

She got out, she dried, she dressed, she hurried back to her cot in the dorms, where at least for the moment, it was quiet and she could be alone. It was only then that she let herself dissolve into sobs: loud, hiccoughing sobs that hurt her chest and her back, and curled her into a ball of pain - physical pain, emotional pain, mental pain.

She did miss him. She did miss what they'd had; what they were going to have. And every time she thought she was getting over it and moving on, something like this happened and...

Maybe he was right, she told her pillow, cuddling it against her for some vague form of comfort. Maybe it was better if they just stayed away from each other, if all it was going to do was cause pain.

It wasn't fair to B'tal, if she kept doing this to him. If - being honest - they kept doing it to each other. It wasn't his fault, and it shouldn't be hurting that relationship. That was the one that mattered now, wasn't it? They loved each other. She wanted them to be happy.

She felt different. Not just tonight, with this-- this awful, awful, heartbreaking sadness. These past few weeks... months, even. She felt more in control of her own life than she ever had, and it no longer frightened her. And that, too, was because of him, indirectly. If I hadn't had all of that, and then lost it, she told herself; she told her pillow. I wouldn't have walked that path.

But it was her path now, and it extended through the future with more certainty. She was going to the Hall for the summer, and she was going to impress her teachers as best she could. Another turn after that, she could hope for advancement, perhaps, and hopefully, she'd be permitted to stay at the weyr. And then, then she'd wait for the right moment in her cycle, and she'd--

She swallowed, squeezing her eyes shut as she buried her face into the pillow's comforting softness. And then she'd make everything all right. The one thing she could think of that would, surely, make all three of them happy, and do something to heal this... this awful, awful rift.

A turn and a half, she told herself, firmly. A turn and a half, and then you can fix this. All you need to do is avoid them until then.

Even with that decision made, that path chosen so far ahead of the turnoff, the tears continued unabated. It was only when sleep claimed her - still fully dressed, dinner uneaten - that her cheeks had a chance to try, her face a chance to unwrinkle.

Tomorrow... tomorrow would be better.