Difference between revisions of "Logs:The Talk"

Lights in Darkness Weyr, High Reaches Weyr

A heavy, brocade curtain separates the ledge from the weyr within, which opens up into a long, wide wallow and a walkway beside it. There's easily enough room for a bronze in here; the ceiling is high enough that sound tends to echo. Down the wall beside the walkway, small circles appear to float within the dim light like miniature moons; a high panel of them that's perhaps four or five times as long as a man is tall. They end abruptly as the wall curves around and opens out into the rest of the weyr.

It's a good sized weyr, and laid out nicely with a fine collection of solid, expensive furniture. A niche off to one side offers built-in shelving and a desk set out beneath it, while much of the rest of the space has been taken up by a couch and several chairs, laid out in front of the hearth. It's reflective, that hearth, made up of squares tiled on point, many of which look very new indeed. To one side of that is a dark opening that might be another niche, or perhaps a passageway.

A tunnel leads off from that dark opening - narrow, if still tall. It turns a corner and then opens out into an expansive room set against the other side of the hearth. Most of /this/ space is taken up by a bed that has clearly been made to fit the space exactly, although there's still room to step around to another niche - this one with a plugged basin above and a drain below. There are more of those moons here, too: moons that glow with light from the room beyond.

« Cadejoth! » The call of the name comes with a merry rattling of chain, chiming against one another with an extra greasing of excited charmy, smarmy ooze. « Cadejoth, my dear dragon, would your K'del be available for a visit? My K'zin has questions. Many and more. He is sure yours is the only he might ask. » (To Cadejoth from Rasavyth)

Where is the joy that so frequently suffuses Cadejoth and his chains? Where is the jangle, the rattle, the gleam? Protective links, wound tight and tighter still about the bronze's thoughts, don't make it easy for others to get in-- though that extra greasing does something to allow access. « He is, » confirms the bronze, after a moment. « You may drop him off. » (To Rasavyth from Cadejoth)

To Cadejoth, Rasavyth is... yes, yes! That's startled. What is wrong, indeed! « Cadejoth, are you well? » There is gentle anxiety and concern in the young bronze's touch towards his unofficial mentor-dragon. « You seem out of sorts. » The words aren't spoken but the sensation is shared that they are in fact, already a-wing and soon to land. His landing is neat, and K'zin slides to the ground before the slender bronze is winging off again.

To Rasavyth, Cadejoth is not on his ledge, and nor is he especially communicative. « I am well, » he confirms, keeping his distance. Someone has not forgiven, or forgotten, though it doesn't seem to be Rasavyth he's irritated with-- it's someone further afield, someone whose smoke has been banished from his mind. « He waits inside. »

The concern lessens, and Rasavyth does not press for details, but he does review (while seeming to have forgotten he's still in touch with Cadejoth's mind, silly him) those dragons whose mindtouches contain smoke that he's acquainted with. There's Hraedhyth, of course. There's Jhorinth, he has forge fire... is there smoke? He can't seem to remember. Once Solith shared fire, but not smoke... the ruminations go on, working through the dragons he's acquainted with. (To Cadejoth from Rasavyth)

The bootfalls bringing K'zin into the weyr are swift. He's not wearing his riding gear, instead, he's dressed in attire appropriate for a different kind of ride, that of runners. "K'del?" He calls as he comes hurrying in. There's a great big grin on his face that is in contrast with the apprehension in his expression that might take a second glance to identify.

To Rasavyth, Cadejoth had, surely, intended to withdraw from the other bronze once the necessary arrangements were made, but this? This is fascinating. It's also telling: merely thinking of Hraedhyth sends those chains tighter around his inner self, building up a protective barricade that will not let her in. Traitor.

K'del is-- well, not so grumpy as Cadejoth is, certainly, but also not quite in cheery-awesome-good-spirits, even if he does turn from whatever it is he's working at at his desk to give K'zin a half-smile. A half-smile that rather rapidly shifts as he takes in K'zin's expression, turning very nearly perplexed. "K'zin," he says. It's just the weyrling's name, but there's so much that can be read into it, most of it questioning, if not actually a question.

"I--er--" K'zin hesitates en route toward the older bronzerider, even backpedaling a few steps. "Sorry. Am I intruding?" His expression shifting from the grin to one of full concern, his own purpose in coming shoved to the side. "Ras says Cadejoth's not-- in good spirits? I can-- come back later if another time would be better?" He offers, stalling in speech and movement in the same moment, settling on just chewing his lower lip.

"No, no, no, come in." K'del's casa es su casa, or so implies the bronzerider's abrupt wave around the weyr, culminating in a determined gesture towards the couch. "Cadejoth's still upset about the queens forcing their will on him; so am I, really, but I'm trying to move past it for the sake of getting something done. My fault, for not letting him forget it just yet. It's fine. Want something to drink or something?"

K'zin's brows raise a touch, "I heard something about that. I -- it's true?" One never knows with rumors being what they are. "Hrae did it once to Ras to find out who I was kissing against the weyrling rules. He -- didn't like it. It felt painful to him." The weyrling frowns, "I-- well, we weren't happy. Later, Ras sorted it hadn't actually hurt him, he just really didn't like it. But still... I thought it was sort of... a misuse of power." He tries to shrug it off, "This sounds... much worse." He stops lingering awkwardly, crossing to the couch, hands going to his knees. "A drink would be great. Maybe even two, depending. I--" He starts, then trails off not finding the right words. His cheeks have a tell-tale pink to them, but maybe that's just residual effect from the wind on his face without flight goggles? Maybe after a drink his tongue will loosen.

"It feels that way," confirms K'del, tone dark, expression dark too. "It's a shitty thing to do, and-- oh, never mind. You get it." No doubt he could say more on that topic, probably at length, but instead he exhales lengthily, and heads to the mantle to fetch the ever-present bottle of whisky, and a pair of glasses. Offering one of them, with several fingers worth of the tawny liquid inside it, he settles himself onto the couch, and waits, eyebrows raised. "So. Tell me what's going on."

"I-- well, it's sort of bad timing. I guess." K'zin purses his lips after the further discussion of gold influence and its misuses receives nods and is dismissed. The whisky is sniffed and then sipped, expression tweaking just a little. Enough to be comedic, certainly. "Because I came -- I mean, I --" Oh, boy. So much trouble to find the words. Then suddenly it comes in a smushed-together-rush. "I had a really good date today. Only, I'm pretty sure it means I'm going to end up-- um-- doing more than kissing and stuff. And--" He glances toward K'del, nervous, "Remember how I said you're kind of like a -- a dad sort of to me? My dad was gone before I had any of these question and I don't want to look like an idiot my first time with a girl, and -- help? What do I do? What don't I do?" He's laid it all out there. Now all he can do is look vulnerable and hope for the best.

K'del must be trying really, really hard not to look appalled, because for a moment-- and then it's gone, and he's just laughing. "You know, I'd hoped I had a few good turns more before I had to worry about having that conversation with anyone-- my sons are clearly too young." He glances down at his drink, swirling it in his glass once, twice, and then a third time; then he looks up again, even as he's leaning backwards into the supportive back of the couch. "Presumably you know the theoretical logistics," he says, after a moment. "So your real question is-- different to that. And it's kind of something you just have to work out? Dunno. I mean, the real key is to make sure that you're conscious of what works for her. Communication, right?"

The laughter prompts a more intense blush from K'zin, but... this is fake-dad, so it doesn't make him shy from the topic altogether now that it's out on the table. "Well, that's what happens when you let a teenage weyrling estranged from his own parents adopt you as part of his-- uh? WeyrFamily, I guess." He rubs his free hand across his face. "I read a book about it. And there's those talks that we get at a certain age in the lower caverns, but-- I feel like there's a lot I'm really missing, and that if I go 'by the book' so to speak, it's going to be really obvious and not only that but not good. I know what all the parts are called and how they're theoretically supposed to go together but... How do I -- not embarrass myself? What do you mean by conscious of what works for her? Do-- do the things in the books not work for everyone?" Does he mean to say that everyone is different in the sack?! K'zin looks decidedly worried.

K'del takes a sip from his glass, and uses that time - as the liquor lingers upon his tongue - to consider what he's going to say next. "Everyone is different," he confirms. "Some girls like being touched hard, some girls not so much. The key is to pay attention: most of them will give you some indication of what's working for them through their reactions, but you can also ask. And in return, you have to give them an indication of what works for you. Where you want to be touched. How you want to be touched. And--" He breaks off, shakes his head. "Most of us are not good the first time. Pretty much all of us. That's what practice is all about, and maybe finding a partner who knows more than you, someone willing to teach you."

K'zin boggles. That's the only word for it. Not only does the book not tell the whole story, but now that story is different for everyone?! What kind of messed up world is this. "I'm sorry... what?" He doesn't understand. "Like-- what kind of indication? How do I know short of asking them? Is it okay to ask? Is that weird?" He lets the brandy rest on his knee. "A partner willing to teach. Yeah." It's repeated but with a distinct sort of sadness in his expression. "I-- I don't think I'm going to get to with the person I most want to. But I mean, I have options I think? Do you really think I'm better off with someone who knows what they're doing? Don't you think she'll laugh at me?" That can't be very inspiring of passion, can it?

"Of course you can ask-- communication, right? But there's also more obvious indications, usually. Noise is a big one. Keep track of her breathing, any little - or big! - noises she makes. A lot of girls will tell you straight out, or redirect you if they're not liking what you do." K'del breaks off from the talking in order to consider K'zin. He's not outwardly embarrassed by this conversation-- if anything, he seems to have rather warmed to his subject. "Some people swear by losing your virginity to a virgin, because then you're both learning at once, but-- personally, I'd rather learn from someone who knows what they're doing. But if there's someone in particular, well, that's good. Don't turn down an opportunity just because a person isn't experienced, if it's something you want."

"Noise." K'zin considers, "Ras said something about it sounding an awful lot like someone was dying or getting attacked or something, sometimes. But like... they're happy about it?" How Rasavyth knows, K'zin doesn't volunteer at this moment. "I guess there's no way to tell before you get a girl in bed if she's going to be the direct type or not." Since certainly, wouldn't the direct type be easier? He lifts his glass to swirl it (pretty much exactly as he'd seen K'del do; imitation is... after all), then take a sip. He can't help another little face, but maybe it's not surprising since the boy isn't a man yet and is as yet unfamiliar in both the ways of women and whisky. "There isn't. I mean, there was sort of supposed to be. But then her mom died. And she's-- going through some stuff. I don't want to add to it with all this confusing stuff." Two very different varities of stuff. "But I--" He blushes. "There are a couple of other girls that would, I'm pretty sure. And they're all more experienced than I am. Since I guess I'll be going with one of them, I just-- don't want to have no clue what I'm doing except what I read in books, you know? Keep going. What else?" He leans forward now, glass between his hands, expression becoming more studious and intent, less bashful and blushy.

That particular description of the sounds girls make makes K'del laugh, openly and without apology. "It's not like we sound much better," he says. "I'm pretty sure, anyway. Been a long time since I was trying to hide what I was doing down in the barracks." Memories. "The more experienced a girl is, the more likely she's going to know what she wants, and be intent on showing you. A less inexperienced girl'll probably be more... shy about it? Probably. Not always." His shrug is an easy one, and gets compounded by the quick sip of his whisky that follows. "Don't push her. That's key: don't ever push someone into anything. If they say stop, you stop. If they say no, you don't even start. But you know that." Surely. K'del pauses for a moment, then adds, "Most girls don't have it as easy as we do, in terms of orgasms. Got to work for it, sometimes. Using more than just your cock. Some girls don't... get off that way."

The fact that K'del even feels like he should say the sentiment that no means no makes K'zin tense and his eyes go a little wide, "Of course." His response is immediate and emphatic. "Mave says that I end up talking myself out of things as often as others talk themselves into it. I'm really, really comfortable with that, 'cause it means there's transparency and honesty and no one gets hurt." In theory. But that's completely settled as soon as it's been aired, so then it's onto the next Big Scary Thing that K'del talked about. The Big O. "What do you mean some of them don't get off that way?" The book he read certainly didn't explain this. Then again, it was more concerned with the technical than the pleasure of it. "There are other ways? I mean, I know there are other ways for guys, but it still all involves a cock, right?" Or did he miss some other critical lesson somewhere along the way?

Nod, nod, nod: K'del seems to approve of K'zin's stance on that first point, even if he doesn't have anything else to add to it. It's the latter that-- well, okay, he laughs again, but not at the weyrling, not really. "Okay," he says, reining in his own mirth, and leaning forward, intently. "Yes there are other ways. Some work in conjunction, some are-- separate. And it all comes down to what works for her. But sure, you can use your fingers while you're using your cock. And there's always using your mouth. Basically... well, part of the fun is learning each girl, figuring out what makes them tick, what really gets them going. If she doesn't know, then you experiment."

"Learning each girl. Figuring out what makes them tick. Gets them going." This is repeated in a mumble, but the expression and the way he's really thinking about it definitely speaks to the idea really being taken in and that it naturally resonates with him. "So, it's a little like drawing a girl? You have to pay attention to all the little, subtle things in her face and how she carries herself to get the essence right, and even then it sometimes takes a bunch of tries before a drawing really looks like her?" K'zin tries to put it into terms he can better understand. "Combination." This, too, is taken in. "I guess there's no real good way to practice that kind of thing without a girl. Seems sort of unfair that it works like that." He purses his lips unhappily and then puts those lips to better use with the whisky.

"No, that's exactly it, basically," says K'del, pleased. "It's subtle things, and sometimes it's hard. Sometimes you just can't get it right-- and, okay, just to complicate things? Sometimes girls just don't get there. And sometimes that's okay, but you can't just assume it. Which... shells, that makes it sound complicated, doesn't it? I swear, though, once you've done it a few times, it all starts feeling easier, more intuitive. It's-- it is hard. And harder for us than for them, I think. Never heard of a guy who has trouble actually getting there, you know? Girls are more complicated. But-- it's worth it. When you finally crack that nut, as it were, and give her a screaming orgasm?" His expression is abruptly contented, rather as though he's reliving such an experience in his mind, right now. "Almost as good as having one yourself."

"Wait, what?!" K'zin's demand is (to probably anyone but K'zin) comical. It come right on the heels of that wisdom bomb getting dropped about how sometimes girls just don't get there. "What do you mean they just don't get there?" He asks when K'del is actually finished. "How can they just not get there? I mean, isn't it-- I mean, like, for guys it's sort of chew and flame. What's so different for them? I mean, I know physically they're different, but-- why's it harder for them?" His brows dip and he falls silent a minute. "What does it feel like when they climax? How do I know that they actually got there? I mean, it's obvious with us, right? What about--?" Them. The mysterious other half.

This is one question K'del can't answer: he shakes his head, shrugs his shoulders. "Just the way they're built, I think. But-- there's some ways to tell, sure. Sometimes you can feel the contractions, and there's breathing, and the sounds they make. But." He straightens, gives K'zin a thoughtful glance. "Some girls fake it, and sometimes it's hard to tell. You can't stop them from doing that, and it sucks, but... all you can do is do the best you can. It'll get easier. As long as you've done what you can to make sure they have a good time, too? That's what matters."

It's almost like watching a temper flare. The kind that would precede a broken nose. Except it's disgust, not anger. "They fake it? What kind of wherryshit is that?!" It's not disgust with K'del, of course. Just with the whole female gender. Exasperated, he swallows whisky too fast, and starts coughing. Fortunately, none of it comes out his mouth and onto K'del's nice couch. Once he's sure he's not in imminent threat of dying (either from embarrassment, frustration, or a drinking problem), he heaves a giant sigh. "I'd ask you why we bother, but it's because they're women." And that means something too good to pass up. "Have you slept with a lot of them? Is it okay to do that and not feel bad about it?"

K'del's got sympathy for K'zin's disgust, and concern for the coughing that follows that whisky, but it's the last few remarks that he actually answers. "It's worth it," he says. "Worth it, to give her an orgasm. And worth it to get one in return. Better than your hand, believe me." He gives his glass an a glance, and then rises, only so that he can go back to the bottle to refill his - and, having done that, offer it towards K'zin. Coughing fit or no. "When I was your age, maybe a bit younger, I slept with a lot of them. After I became Weyrleader, girls just showed up in my bed, sometimes. Eventually... Milani and I were never exclusive, though I had fewer of the others. And then with Iolene, later..." He shrugs. "If you're upfront with it, so no one thinks you're exclusive, and everyone is happy? Nothing wrong with it, no. Just don't screw around on someone who thinks you are in an exclusive relationship."

"To be worth all that, it must be infinitely better than a hand." Hands are so much less complicated than women, to be sure. The younger bronzer pushes off the couch and moves to meet his many-ways mentor, holding out his glass for a refill. K'zin's eyes widen at his tale of his Weyrleader days. "Dude. That's one hell of a perk for putting up with all that leading stuff. Was it worth it? The trade off? All the stuff you've had to do over the turns for the honor of being Weyrleader?" This question is posed seriously, distracting from the topic of girls to something even more important. "That's how I've been coming at it, really. Tell everyone up front, and maybe they don't want to know or don't want to hear it, but then at least it's out there, and they can decide for themselves. I figure that even if a couple girls don't want to kiss or whatever, after that, that's fine, 'cause there'll be ones that still do. Especially in a Weyr. I was once told that dating was different for dragonriders, and I can see why. I'm glad I went on a date though. So I could see what it was like. It was a lot of work and worry. Much easier just to show up in someone's bed and see how it goes. Though, probably best to keep clothes on until you're sure they're going for it." Some amusement hints in his expression then. "Then again, I guess there's something to be said for coming face to face with a naked man clearly interested. Maybe it'd work?" Play: The Naked Man.

K'del's snorted exhale may answer part of the Weyrleader question, but he follows it up with words a few seconds later, as he refills that glass. "There are better ways to get women, in my experience. Less stressful ways. I do still intend to try and get the Weyrleadership back, don't get me wrong, but-- it's hard work. It's heartbreaking work. Remember that Aishani hates me because of something I did in my first turn as Weyrleader, something I agonised over. Leadership is hard." And women are awesome, but clearly not that awesome. "Anyway, that's a good attitude to have." He stoppers the bottle again, and puts it back down upon the table, so that he can take his seat back. "Be upfront. Be honest. Don't hurt people's feelings, except accidentally. And-- showing up in someone's bed isn't always the best way. Sometimes you can-- shells, just meet someone in a bar, quite at random, and bring them home. Be casual."

"I--" K'zin starts to respond and then falls silent, looking at the freshly poured drink. "I want to know about it. Leadership. I mean. I want you and Cadejoth as Weyrleader, again, you know that." His words are quiet and sincere, "But I'm riding bronze now, too, and there's no saying that someday I might have to bear that responsibility. Or support another-" Pause, and brown eyes flick to give the older man a very serious look, "-you my support. But I need to understand what it is and what it's like to know how to do that. Will you tell me about it?" The request is very earnest. "I guess a bar would be a good place to meet a woman," He answers then, not lingering over-long on the topic of women anymore. Now there's man's work to be discussed: leadership. "There's something else, too. When I was working on Mave's play, I met this crafter kid who likes to draw, like I do. Except-- less naked girls, since he's still pretty young. And all of a sudden he's looking up to me and -- I need to know how to be a good role-model, and I mean I work hard and everything, but I think there's more to it than that, isn't there?" Maybe this, his mentor, can shed light on his new role as such to another.

"I--" says K'del, who seems far less confident talking about leadership as he is talking about women. "The thing with leadership," he tells his glass, finally, "is that it's not really easily taught. Oh, we can train you up in hidework, and meetings, and how to dance with people and all of that, but actual leadership? You kind of learn that through doing." He looks up, after that. "It's good to try and mentor people. Helpful. Think about... what you wish you'd known, at that age. Things you'd've liked to be able to think about, if only you'd comprehended. Show him the kind of person you think it's important to be. The only way I know how to be a leader is to just be one. Demonstrate it."

Perhaps K'del will expect K'zin's next question, which is not asked of his glass but of the man. "What do you wish you had known when you were getting out of weyrlinghood? And later? What kinds of things should I be thinking about now?" It's not the only very direct request that K'zin has made for mentorship, but it's certainly one of the most specific.

It's possible K'del does expect it, but that doesn't make it any easier to answer; K'del seems, at least to begin with, quite stumped. Finally, this time speaking directly to the other bronzerider, he says, "Wish I'd thought seriously about what the Weyrleadership would mean. What I wanted. What was possible. Guess I joked a lot about being Weyrleader, but never expected it to be me. And that was dumb; you have to acknowledge the possibility. Wish I'd enjoyed those first few months more-- guess I took them for granted. There's something special about being a dragonrider. Most of my peers were still apprentices, and I was free. It counts."

K'zin sips at the big boy drink as this big boy wisdom is offered to him. He doesn't answer it with more questions, just quiet consideration. After a long pause and several more swallows, he asks softly, "I know it can't be learned except by doing. Leading, I mean. But will you try to teach me? Tell me about some of the things you've been through in case I ever have to face anything like it? Not now, just-- in time?" Because it is as K'zin has said and now as K'del recognizes: it must be taken seriously that there is a possibility by grace of the color he rides that he, too, may one day know what it is to be Weyrleader. (A strong possibility, if Rasavyth has any say in the matter.)

"Of course." K'del doesn't have to pause and think about that one: it's an instantaneous reaction, and no less heartfelt because of it. "Figure... no one should be unprepared for the possibility. Not if they ride bronze. Not given the current situation. Who's to say which queen will rise first? Or who will catch her. I'd hate to see you in the situation I was in." Unprepared? Or Weyrleader at all? There's no way to determine which he means, not from his expression and not from his tone. "Most likely, though, it'll go to someone more experienced. My leadership was an accident-- because A'son stabbed himself to avoid it. Cadejoth caught in the confusion, not because he would have, anyway."

K'zin's jaw drops. It's quite a genuine gesture. "A rider stabbed himself to avoid Weyrleadership?" This might just bewilder him more than the talk of women earlier. "Sounds like the kind of thing some might do now if Iesaryth rises first, but-- was it really such an awful prospect back then? Was the Weyr as big a mess as it is right now?" The fact that the Weyr isn't in its best showing of order and solidarity is far from lost on this (or likely all of the other) weyrling(s). Maybe he would say more specifically about mentorship, or maybe he was fixing to leave, but this new line of inquiry has whatever plans he'd had being tossed aside in its wake.

K'del gives his glass a long glance, then sighs, shaking his head. "A'son was Weyrleader at Ista for a while, before coming back here. He Impressed here. Guess he-- just didn't want it. Didn't want it again. And Tiriana-- you remember what she was like, if only by reputation." Mercurial. Violent. Bitchy. "I wouldn't stab myself to avoid being Aishani's Weyrleader." He sounds sure of that, however quietly so. "I'd do what I'd have to. Guess I'd say the weyr's in a worse situation now than it was, then. Can't blame a person for not wanting the Weyrleadership, now." And is that a faraway and sad look on his expression, albeit one that he hides quickly? "It's going to be a difficult job, whoever gets it. Lots of difficult decisions, and problems to fix."

"Sometimes, K'del," K'zin reaches a hand to lay lightly on the older man's shoulder in a show of support, "I think you're a glutton for punishment when it comes to Weyrleadership. But-- I'm glad you are. I'd trust you over anyone to help us out of this mess, but it takes more than just a single man." He knows that, whether from his own knowing or Rasavyth's greater understanding of the game. "I know I've still got a lot on my plate, and I am focusing on it, but the offer I made before still stands. Anything I-- anything we can do to help." A glance goes toward the ledge where the sound of a landing dragon may be heard. "Speaking of a lot on my plate, C'wlin's keeping us on a tight schedule, so I'd best get some shut eye before he's barging into my weyr to find out why I've overslept."

K'del's, "Hah!" is half-amused and half tired-- or is that a third? Because there's something else in there, something he hasn't said or expressed outright. "Appreciate that, K'zin. Reckon you're going to be quite the leader, one day. Once you get there. If there is anything, we'll call on you." His nod, made with a lifted chin, answers the rest of it. "Go, sleep. We'll talk again soon, I promise. And-- good luck with the girls, right?"

"Thanks for everything, K'del." K'zin's gratitude is sincere. "Oh, and you should come by and check out my weyr before I have to paint over the murals. Ras says they're not appropriate, I think they're pretty great." Since that's something new in his life that he hadn't specifically mentioned (but would be obvious from the framing of their discussion, perhaps?). Then he's setting his now empty glass down (for he did make sure he drank all of it! Waste not.) and moving toward the ledge to mount up and head on his way.

Four days later, a note arrives. It reads:

"K -

Your advice really helped. It was AMAZING. I probably suck at it. But she was really great and I'll get better at it. You're right, learning a girl is fun!

- K"