Difference between revisions of "Logs:Make up or break up"

Western Bowl, High Reaches Weyr

The bowl's vast dirt floor extends in a rough oval from west to east, only sparse clumps of grass surviving between the crisscrossed pathways of daily traffic. To the northwest stand massive gates to the world beyond, allowing people, livestock, and tithes to pass beneath some of the seven jagged spires that stand sentinel over that area of the bowl. In late afternoons, their spindly, fingerlike shadows stretch over that end of the bowl all the way to the living cavern's hulking brass doors in the far north.

Eastward, the bowl sprawls on toward the lake, sloping slightly downward to allow runoff from rain and snowmelt, but to the south it's caged by more cliffs of dark, rough-cut granite. Rocks poke up from the ground here, a few large boulders and many smaller outcroppings worn smooth in spots by time and use. A few ground weyr entrances dot the wall, the most frequented ledge set up like a patio while the largest ledge services the Weyrleaders' complex, directly beside the huge entrance to the hatching sands. A more human-sized entrance, left of that, leads to the galleries.

The middle of the night has, of late, been lacking one feature that was near enough constant in the months pre-Hatching: N'ky. With classes, remedial work and everything else, the green weyrling has actually taken to sleeping through the majority of nights, and those nights that he is awake are spent within, or close to the barracks. Tonight, however, finds him further afield, with Cailluneth fast asleep in the mattress-strewn nest of her couch. N'ky is enjoying the warmth of the summer evening with a mug of klah outside of the entrance to the living caverns, sitting with his back to the cool stone wall and his legs splayed in front of him. He hasn't bothered to dress properly and wears just his sleeping pants and a light tunic, with his hair in even more disarray than usual thanks to whatever sleep he's managed to get.

N'ky may not have known it, but he had a shadow. When he got up, a certain bronze weyrling who's been having a rough time with sleep lately, heard him and followed at a distance. Once N'ky was settled, K'zin slipped into the Living Cavern by alternate route and is now coming out of it with peace-offering in hand. It's a plate of sweetrolls and cookies. Because, c'mon, who doesn't love sweetrolls and cookies? And a mug of klah of his own. He, too, is only in a pair of loose linen trousers and a sleeveless shirt. "Hey, Nick." He calls softly as he approaches, "Can we talk? Or not talk and sit and eat?" He holds up the plate. "I've enough for us both." There's a hopeful smile for the green weyrling as he comes to a stop beside where he's sitting.

While coming across people on his midnight jaunts isn't exactly a new thing, finding K'zinout and about at such an hour is a surprise. A big surprise, given the way N'ky looks up at the bronzerider with his brow furrowed in confusion. The cookies and sweetrolls smell good to his ever-present teenaged hunger though, and he pushes to his feet to look over - and accept - the peace offering; not that he would have needed them to instigate a make-up session. The how and the when he's been looking for have just presented themselves, quite literally, on a plate for him. "Here?" As in, are they going to talk right here, where anyone could come across them? A wary look is cast around them, and N'ky pouts at the thought of what he guesses will be an awkward conversation being interrupted. "C-can't we, um, go somewhere... more quiet?" He filches a cookie, dipping it into his klah before biting into it.

"Yeah, let's." K'zin's agreement comes readily, as he's not being turned down for talk or eating, at least thus far, and that is reassuring. "Follow me?" This, too, comes as a request, but he's turning on his heel to head off into the dimness of the bowl at night, not waiting for an answer. So more than making a request, he's even giving N'ky an opportunity to slip off if he doesn't want to follow. If he does, it will lead them to one of the ground level guest weyrs. K'zin's approach is cautious up the steps, but no dragons on the ledge is a promising sign, and there were no green flights this evening. If N'ky has followed, he'll gesture for him to wait while he peeks his head in to scope it out, returning a few moments later to beckon. "All clear." He keeps his voice quiet as he moves back into the weyr.

Guest Weyr, High Reaches Weyr

This broad ledge is dappled with bright light in the morning and commands a lovely view of the eastern end of the bowl, including the lake and the trees that dot the shoreline. Reached by a flight of stone steps that climb up from the bowl floor, the ledge is relatively low, an easy jump down to the ground; possibly its selection was a safety precaution, so anyone stumbling out the wrong way after a flight would be unlikely to break his or her neck. Within the weyr itself is a comfortably-sized dragon wallow, rarely used but swept clean nonetheless.

The cavern broadens as it stretches back away from the entrance to reveal a neatly made double-sized bed pushed up against the back wall, a press at its foot with an extra blanket folded on top of it and two chairs standing guard to either side of the hearth. A rectangular table lurks against the side wall, kept stocked with a pitcher of water and a basket of seasonal fruits. The weyr is well-lit and kept immaculately clean, the refreshing scents of citron-infused sweetsand mingling with the tang of herbs.

Once within, K'zin moves to the table, setting down the plate and his klah before taking a seat.

N'ky follows in silence, choosing to remain standing when K'zin takes a seat. Or, rather, leaning, as he rests his butt against the table beside his friend, in such a way that he can avoid looking at him. Perhaps that makes it easier for him? "I'm here," he says softly, once he's washed down his cookie with a glug of klah. Another cookie is taken, though this one remains undipped before being eaten. "Wh-what did you want to talk about?" As if it wasn't painfully obvious.

The moments of silence stretch between the last echo of N'ky's words, before finally K'zin finds his voice. It's soft, baritone laced with concern and sincerity. "I miss my friend." Beat. A hand reaches out to touch N'ky's hand lightly, brown eyes searching the back of the man's head, probably hoping to find his eyes. "I miss you, Nick." He takes a deep breath and lets it out before more words flow from him: "Things haven't been the same between us since Hatching. You changed. I changed. We've all changed. We're riders now. Our lives will be different than we expected when we were just working away at the forge together. I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I know you wouldn't either. But-- I miss my friend." He chews his lower lip, withdrawing his hand (if it was allowed to stay even that long), "I think I messed us up by bringing up the whole knowing what it's like to be with a guy. I was-- I was afraid that would screw it all up, but I thought we could talk about it and have it not-- not screw it up. But it feels like it did. And I'm sorry. I know things weren't perfect between us before that, but they were better than they are now. I'm sorry, Nick. I'd take it back if I could. I don't--" His eyes are glittering in the semi-dark of the Weyr, "I can't lose you." Then he falls silent. He's made his bid. His fingers splay on the tabletop, eyes having fallen back to look at them. Perhaps he's too afraid that if he looks up, he'll have to watch N'ky walk away; he'd be abandoned again.

Ever the good listener, N'ky stays silent and lets K'zin talk himself out. There's a few more beats of quiet as he gathers his thoughts, then he reaches behind him, fingers blindly seeking the bronzerider's hand. When he can't find it that way, he turns around to look, curling his fingers around K'zin's until he can lift his hand and lock them together, tightly. "I miss you, too." His voice is quiet, eyes focused on their joined hands. "You... you caught me off guard, Waki. I wasn't expecting... I d-didn't think you would... it's you. I-I..." Frustrated by his stutter, he snorts strongly, nostrils flaring; it's one of those rare moments of self-irritation that he's only comfortable sharing with his long-term best friend. Eyes scrunched shut, he pauses for a moment to set himself straight, to calm himself enough to speak properly. "I've just come to terms with... with Bones. Everything's confusing, Waki, and I thought I had you f-figured out, then... then you brought up things I've..." He stops, squeezing his friend's hand hard, before tugging him up to his feet so that he can throw his arms around him in a choke-hold hug.

N'ky's yank and the ensuing hug steals K'zin's breath as his body ends up pressed tight against N'ky's taller, leaner, yet no less muscled one. For a moment there are too many unfamiliar sensations to process. They've hugged before, but bro hugs where crotches don't get so-- close! Slowly, K'zin's arms come up to curl around N'ky's back, and he lingers in the hug a long minute before pulling himself away for N'ky. "You said you thought you had me figured out, and now it's confusing, right?" He seems to choose this as the crux of the issue. "So let's unconfuse it. Let's talk like we used to, all those turns ago, where we sorted things out together." K'zin is moving, so quickly! He grabs the chair he was seated in and pulls it to the wall, standing on it to grab down a glow basket from it's hook, and he uncovers it just a bit - just enough to cast a small dim glow. Then he's moving to -- to the bed! Gasp! No, not for that. He's grabbing the blankets and pulling them just so, so that they hang all the way to the floor on both sides. This would all be starting to look very familiar to N'ky. Back when Nicky and Waki were at Smith Hall and they wanted to talk in private, they'd create a hiding nook under one of their cots with blankets, take a glow under, and lie there and talk until they fell asleep or had worked everything out that needed working out. This was, of course, turns ago now, when they were quite young, but K'zin is apparently hoping it will still work. He gets down on his knees, backside toward N'ky and peeks underneath. "No tunnelsnakes and it looks roomy." He calls over his shoulder before nudging the glow basket under and with a flash of a smile to N'ky, rolling under himself. The bed being only a double, means four posts at each end, but nothing in the middle. Just like when they shared the underside of a single cot. "Grab the pillows!" K'zin's voice comes from beneath the blanketed curtain. By the time N'ky joins him (if he joins him), K'zin's got the glow basket adjusted correctly so that it's mostly dark, but not all the way dark. and he's laying on his back, hands behind his head. A smile would greet N'ky. "See? Just us. Let's work it out so you-- and I-- are not confused."

Cot-fort! N'ky laughs when he realises what K'zin's doing, and he grabs the pillows to wiggle underneath alongside him. To fit properly he's got to scoot way up to the top, and he lies on his tummy that way, head cradled by one arm and facing the bronzerider, with his other arm tucked up between them, hand flat in front of his face. "Um... I think the sort of things that are confusing me now aren't what, um, w-would've confused me then," he admits quietly. "I mean, they would have confused me then, but I wouldn't have thought them then. Um..." A nervous pause, during which he bites his lip. "Waki? I'm... embarrassed. I d-don't know how to feel about feeling this way."

K'zin is no less nervous, but he's trying hard to be the brave one, because shell it! One of them has to, or this conversation will never happen. The bed is actually lifted fairly high, most likely for ease of cleaning, so they aren't super cramped, even as full-grown men (or nearly full grown, Waki's still growing!). He rolls on his side once he's claimed a pillow from N'ky, and tucks it under his head, brown eyes finding his friend's face. "Well," he takes a deep breath. "I think-- I think maybe we'd better start by talking about what these feelings are before we start talking about how we should feel about the feelings?" He thinks that makes sense at any rate. "Nick, I-- I don't know if I'm that way. I--" He starts and then has to say something else instead because he can't get out whatever he first started on. "I asked you if you would want to-- with me-- not because I think you are that way, but because you're my best friend. And I'm not sure I want to do this, but I think I need to do this to be a responsible person. I don't want to hurt anyone. If there was a pool of tunnelsnakes I had to get into whether I wanted to or not, I'd want to do it with you so we could at least help each other through it." He bites his lower lip. Did he just compare having sex with N'ky to jumping into a pool of tunnelsnakes? He did. It's not encouraging. But perhaps his next words will make it less horrid: "And I mean, I don't know, shells-" His blush is suddenly there, "It might end up being something-- nice. Something I might like. I. don't. know." Each word is delivered separately, uniquely. "The kiss was-- I don't know." He doesn't know a lot of things. "I know what it wasn't and it wasn't bad." He swallows, "For me. Anyway." His eyes dart away from N'ky's face, embarrassed.

"It wasn't bad, Waki." N'ky will skip over the bit about the tunnelsnakes - he knows he's better than that. "I liked it. It... was just at the wrong time." He reaches for his friend's hand, knotting their fingers together again. "I don't know what my feelings are. I'm n-not that way, either... I can't be. I like girls. But, um... Waki, I also like you - as a friend. You're my best friend. Maybe... maybe it's just those feelings getting all confused, with our dragons and everything? I don't know, but... I know I wanted you to kiss me. Just - not when I was so confused about everything." And he's blushing furiously now too, looking at their hands rather than at the bronzerider. "Ever since the baths, I've... I-I've been going crazy because I hurt you when I really wanted to say yes, but I was scared. I am scared. But I want to... b-because it's you."

Remorse is clear in K'zin's face and his fingers flex strong, squeezing N'ky's hand as he listens. "Oh, Nick. I'm-- I'm so sorry. I-- Shit. I never wanted to make you uncomfortable-- or do something you weren't-- ready for. I just-- I mean-- I didn't know if I was ready. I was just so tired of going back and forth and back and forth about if I should bring it up again or not. I just thought-- maybe kissing, if we hated it, we'd know we couldn't go through with it and things wouldn't be weird anymore." He frowns. "That was really dumb now that I think about it." The magic of the blanket fort! His hand, which had slackened his grip squeezes again. "Nick, I-- I want you to know you don't have to say yes because it's me." He bites his lower lip, nerves showing in his face. "We would still be friends-- we will still be friends if we don't do that together." Beat. "And I'd like to say that we would still be friends if we did do that whether we end up liking it or not." He takes a deep breath, "But-- the most important thing is that you don't do anything that you don't feel comfortable doing." He doesn't say want because he doesn't know what he does or doesn't want, and N'ky's said he's not that way so he's trying to leave want out of it and leave it down to feeling comfortable.

N'ky bites down on his lip, looking up to meet K'zin's gaze when he's done talking. He looks, blinks, looks a little more, then wriggles about to free up the arm that's been cushioning his head, reaching out to stroke his fingers along his friend's cheek. When there's no shying away, he leans in closer, the promise of a kiss there but not manifesting; his lips part as he draws a tiny breath through them, eyes unfocused in his attempts to look at his friend from so close. His intention is clear, and there's no hesitation about the greenrider as he squeezes their hands together, squirming closer - but not yet close enough for their bodies to touch, save for where knotted fingers may brush against fabric-covered thighs. N'ky swallows hard, runs the tip of his tongue over his lips, and then leans in for the kiss.

No, there is no shying away. But the fingers do surprise him. K'zin's brown brows lift just a little. He freezes under the touch, his body locking up in complete indecision, anxiety, fear, and perhaps... yes, there is a little excitement. "Nick-" He breathes out softly as the greenrider moves closer, recognizing the intention. His eyes searching N'ky's face for doubt or -- well, anything that might indicate hesitation. "You don't have to-" He manages to murmur, but N'ky just keeps coming. So K'zin's eyes slide closed just before contact is made, moving his head ever-so-slightly to be more accessible in the tight space: he's not against it. The moment contact is made though, something changes. Perhaps it's because N'ky's persistence through his murmured words have convinced him that N'ky is comfortable with this, or perhaps it something deeper he doesn't yet recognize, but one of his hands suddenly comes up to wrap around the side of his neck, fingers sliding into N'ky's short hair. His kiss changes too, it goes from tentatively experimental to desirous, lips moving hard against N'ky's for the duration of two solid lip-locking kisses. Then, breathing hard, he's pulling back abruptly, eyes fluttering open to examine N'ky's face, his own a look of pleasant surprised mingled with confusion and even a little doubt.

For every second that the passion in K'zin's kiss increases, N'ky's follows suit; his fingers curl tightly into the teen's tunic and he presses closer, pulling away breathless when the kiss ends. He lingers closely, still clutching a fistful of fabric, light brown eyes hazy with desire. There's little confusion in his gaze now, though there is a hint of worry, concern; did they just do the right thing? Does K'zin feel the same? After a brief hesitation, during which he carefully studies his friend's face and expression, he tugs gently on the bronzerider's tunic in an attempt to pull him in close, while he attempts to lock lips again, eager for more.

N'ky looking for more is a clear sign, which is more than K'zin is giving. He starts to lean with the tug - Nicky's strong after all, but with a brief scrunch of his eyes closed, he resists. "Nick." His tone is now tempering. His hand slips from behind N'ky's neck to his chin, fingers brushing across his cheek (so at least this isn't meant to be a brush off). "Nick, listen." He takes a breath to gather himself; it's not easy with proximity and confusing feelings and the taste of that kiss still on his lips. "Nick, I didn't come here to kiss you tonight." Beat. "But when we get our weyrs... Shells, I'm breaking my restrictions by even being here." But the healing of some hurts are worth breaking the rules for, "I've got restrictions for breaking the rules, and I don't want to break them again." Even though he just did. "I respect Quinlys. I respect the Weyr. I'm trying to respect the rules. As soon as we're allowed-- I think we should see what it's like. To know. We can-- we can make mistakes together, or be successful together." Then he's lip chewing again. "But-- Nick-- I -- I have to be with a girl, first. You know I've never-- and I -- I'm not gay." He stresses, actually managing to say it this time. "I don't think." Beat. "I need to be straight first before I face that question with-- with you." His eyes are uncertain, afraid even, of how his words will be received. It's clear, though, that every word is genuine and meant. He doesn't mean this as a rejection, he's just trying to do right by the Weyr, by the weyrlingmasters, by his training.

Rejection colours N'ky's cheeks even darker - for even if it's not intended to hurt, it does. The longer K'zin explains himself, the more crestfallen the greenrider looks, with his fingers easing up on their hold on his tunic until they're merely resting lightly against the fabric by the time he's finished. "Th-that's... that's months from now, Waki..." He bites his lip and frowns, looking down to where his hand is against his friend's chest. Fingers curl, bunching up the tunic beneath them, then relax once more. "I want to now. I'll... I'll b-break the rules for you - c-can't you do it for me? I'm ready for this now, Waki - I need it now. I need to know."

As soon as N'ky's face shows the hurt of the rejection, K'zin is squirming. He's moving closer to wrap his arm awkwardly around N'ky. It's not awkward because of how K'zin feels, just because of the limited space and the fact that his other hand is pinned between them, hand splayed against N'ky's chest. "Nick." Hug. "I-- I--" What does he say to that? He's having trouble finding the words. "I couldn't ask you to do that. Break rules. You're always-- you're always so good. I really admire it. Admire you, for that. And other things." The other things are an afterthought though. "I'm trying to be a better person. Like you." He smiles sadly. "I--" Deep breath. "I want to do this. But-- I'm not ready." He closes his eyes a moment. "I need-- I need you to wait for me to be ready. I mean, if you want to do things with others-- that's fine. I just-- for this, for you and I-- I can't yet. But I know I want to. When the rules allow it." His expression is serious, heavy. Since when did he need to be the one pitching the case for following the rules?

... since N'ky decided to give in to his desires. The teenager looks disappointed, but he listens, and nestles into the hug more closely, returning it with an arm looped around K'zin's waist. He presses his face in against his friend's neck, lips gently nuzzling the warm skin there in a way that he knows is nice - from his own experience, anyway. "When you're ready," he says whisper-soft, lips and breath brushing against skin. He can understand that, at least, even if it's not what he wants to hear - wasn't it exactly the excuse that he just gave for his earlier reactions? "You're not asking me to do anything, Waki... I'm offering. I want to." Though whether he'll still want to tomorrow is another thing; the heat of the moment makes a difference.

In a way that is nice, indeed! K'zin's eyes can't help but flicker shut for a moment and his body tenses and jerks slightly, pulling N'ky even closer for just a breath. But then the speaking, which causes a shiver all on its own, has him letting out a breath in relief. "Listen, Nick... Until then-- do you think we can just-- set all this aside so we're not always thinking about it and talking about it and just be us? Be friends?" Because, really, and his face says this, this is all a little confusing and overwhelming. "I promise that when I'm ready, you and I will succeed or fail with all this together." And then they'll go back to being friends again. Or at least, that's how his brain is telling him it's going to work.

"S-set it aside?" N'ky leans back enough to look at K'zin, biting down on his lip. "Like... like it d-didn't happen?" That confuses him, and he nuzzles gently back into his friend's neck as he thinks about it. There's silence for a long time, during which he holds the bronzerider more closely, before he nods. "I'll try. But Waki... I-I might... w-with Bones... I already asked him. I want to... t-to do stuff. With him. U-unless you w-want to... t-to be my f-first?" Nerves bring up the stammer, and he hides his face, burning cheeks and all, against his friend's neck.

"No, no." K'zin is quick to try to correct, forcing his own arm to loosen and to wiggle back a few inches. "Not pretend like it didn't happen, just--" Pretend like it didn't happen. He searches his mind for the right way to explain it. "I just mean that-- well, this question has been making things weird between us for months now." A bit of an exaggeration; a month, tops, but exaggeration is how Waki rolls, as Nicky would well know. "And I don't want it to keep making things weird. I want to be able to hang out with you without thinking about kissing you. Or be in the bathes without asking you if you'd shag me, or whatever." He shakes his head a little. "I just want us to be able to be friends for the next couple months without this being the thing we're always thinking about or talking about, now that-- now that it's settled that we're going to." He clears his throat a little, color touching his cheeks. His hand draws up to trace a finger down the greenrider's chin. "Nick, I'll be whatever number you want me to be. If you want to be with me first and get all the kinks out so you can enjoy it more with Bones, that's fine. That's-- part of the whole point, right? To make mistakes with someone who cares and isn't going to make you feel dumb over them?" His eyes avert then. "If you want Bones to be your first, well--" He shrugs his shoulders very lightly, "--then you'll know what to do better than I do when the time comes and you can show me the ropes." It's not that he doesn't care (although he doesn't much, given how hard he's working to convince himself this is all very casual), but that he recognizes this-- this who's first and who's not business as N'ky's choice, not his own.

Raising his head, N'ky snorts in amusement, wrinkling his nose. "You'd really ask me to shag you in the baths?" Cue dream flashbacks! He tilts his head towards his friend, pressing forehead to forehead - careful not to bump noses too hard, in case there's lingering pain there. "I want you to be whenever you are. But, um... Waki, I... I d-don't know h-how... um... you know." His nose wrinkles, and he pulls back in embarrassment. "I m-mean, um, with Julie it was... easy? She knew. But... do you know?"

"Some." K'zin's voice is soft as he answers his friend. "They give classes in the Weyr once you hit a certain age. It covers pretty much everything. There are resources too." He bites his lower lip, "I got a book from the Healers that explains-- the -- uh, the mechanics of it?" He's blushing now. "I don't expect learning from a book is the best way for this kind of thing though. It sounds like Julie had experience on her side." If he only knew. If he only knew.

N'ky frowns, looking down at K'zin's chest. "Y-you make it sound so, um... n-not passionate." And that would seem to be a bad thing to him. "Will you f-find out? Do you, um, know a-anyone who... ?" The question is left to trail off, as he lifts his embarrassed gaze up to meet the bronzerider's. "You d-don't have to." He curls his fingers into K'zin's tunic once more, scrunching it up in his fist, letting it go, repeating the motion - like a kneading kitten. "Are you sure that, um, n-now is a bad - the wrong time?" N'ky presses himself closer again, losing his tunic-hold to stroke fingers along Waki's jaw; they course down his neck, over his chest, feather-light along his side... right down to his hip, where the greenrider squeezes gently.

"Well, the how-to kind of is. It's hard to be passionate about learning how to--" He stutters a moment unintelligibly before he manages, "How to stick your dick in someone from a wrinkly old Healer." He shudders a little, though whether in earnest or for show, it's hard to tell. K'zin's free shoulder shrugs, "I've been reading about it. I've been trying to learn what I can. I figure that I won't learn it really until I do it," As with most things he's needed to learn. Then he seems to think of a different meaning to N'ky's words, "Wait, do you mean will I go sleep with some other guy so I know what I'm doing when we--" Again the little stutter before: "Do it?" His cheeks are burning scarlet, visible in the dim glow. N'ky's question of timing and even the trail of the hand and squeeze of hip is totally lost in the face of this idea. "Would you want me to do that? I thought-- I thought we were going to together so I wouldn't have to--" Now he's confused, and in his face there are signs of panic. If one thing can be sure, it is that in this moment he is not in control of the situation as he was moments before.

The plain-as description of what they're planning to do has N'ky groaning and hiding his face, conveniently against K'zin's chest. It takes a little hunching over to achieve, but the taller of the two manages it - where there's a will, there's a way! His first answer is muffled by the tunic he's creased with all his clutching of it, so he raises his head to look up at K'zin, cheeks glowing beet-dark. "N-no," he shakes his head adamantly. "I th-thought maybe you knew someone, um, wh-who you could ask... maybe they'd know, b-better than a book? But, um... w-we could just... f-find out, um, together." From where they are on his hip, N'ky's fingers slip slowly upward, beneath the bronzerider's tunic to ghost over the lowermost definitions of his abdomen. There's a little awkward shuffling as he attempts to keep his hand there while getting back high enough to softly kiss K'zin's jaw, trailing more kisses down to his neck. Apparently, he's not yet given up on this being the right time.

This is a dangerous moment for K'zin. He's not in control of the situation or himself. Not as he was moments before. His thoughts are panicked and scattering like scared herd beasts in the face of Cailluneth's fierce hunt. There's too much going on in his head to follow all the thoughts at once, and what N'ky is saying, and what N'ky is doing! K'zin groans softly, wrestling with his thoughts, with the sensations, with N'ky's words. It's performing triage to figure out what he needs to get a grip on first: N'ky? No, no, not N'ky. "Nicky..." His whisper comes hoarsely. "Please. I'm not ready." The words are soft as a whimper. Some part of him certainly doesn't want to stop, but the part that knows his mind knows this would be too soon, knows that doing more now might ruin things forever. His plea appeals to his friend, Nicky, a plea to put K'zin's needs for patience above his own for pleasure.

The plea doesn't go unheard or misunderstood, and while he doesn't stop nuzzling at his friend's neck, he does shift his hand - to seek K'zin's hand. Once he's captured it, his fingers twine with his, the other hand settling it back briefly on his friend's well-defined stomach, the hand low enough that it might be taken as suggestive. Without speaking further, N'ky tracks his kisses back up along his friend's neck, softly seeking his lips.

K'zin'is initially in no position to protest. The nuzzle, the sensations, the unexpected question that he took the wrong way, it's all got him all but mentally windmilling to keep from falling off the line. When N'ky's hand settles on his abdomen, just low enough for him to take it wrong, and it's like a rubber band snapping as reality snatches him up cruelly. He groans. This time, it's not a sound of pleasure but of regret, and he's rolling away from N'ky, onto his back, and then onto his other side. Legs pull up as the man curls into himself. "Nick. I can't. I'm sorry. I can't." He sounds on the verge of tears. Knowing K'zin as only N'ky (and Rasavyth) does, K'zin probably is weeping; that tendency is something he shares with his mentor. "Not yet. I'm not ready. I'm sorry." Now he's babbling as his shoulders start to shake, confirming the tears, face a mask of remorse, stress, and helplessness; helplessness of his return to the way of rules and order in time to have this happen.

His friend's reaction triggers something in N'ky, too - something that he'd forgotten when he was swept up in the heat of the moment. He's surprised by K'zin rolling away, but the second those shoulders start to shake - "Oh!" An attempt to sit up and back off has him banging his head sharply against the underside of the bed, a little cry of 'ow' accompanying the thud. Then, rubbing at the injured spot, he leans back down and reaches hesitantly towards his friend - his best friend, who he's made cry - and tentatively touches fingers to his shoulder. "I'm s-so sorry, Waki... I-I... I d-didn't think, n-not properly." The awkward touch to his shoulder is withdrawn, and N'ky wriggles back. "Sh-should I go?"

K'zin can't seem to find the right words in this moment, but a strong hand snaps up to latch onto the hand as it starts to withdraw, squeezing like N'ky's grip is the only thing keeping him from falling to certain doom. His lifeline. He does roll back onto his back and the glittering tears can be seen in the light of the glow on his cheeks. It's a few moments before the bronzerider can pull himself together enough to speak, quiet sobs tapering off. "No." As though the hand's refusal to release in those long moments weren't enough to answer. The word comes out throaty and dark. "No. I just-- I hate that I'm disappointing you. I want-- I want us to be friends. And then I want us to do this when the time is right. But I know I'm disappointing you by not being ready now." All of this comes out fairly strangled and he has to pause a couple of times in between to catch breath and stifle more waterworks.

N'ky doesn't move, other than to squeeze his hand back against K'zin's to tell him he's not going anywhere. "I'm n-not disappointed," he says, frowning and shaking his head. "M-maybe a bit frustrated," he cants his head downwards to the source of his frustration. It's an attempt at humour - maybe he's channelling Waki! "I wasn't ready when you kissed me. You're not ready now that I-I, um, w-want to..." He holds up his hand, jerking it back and forth as if... well, suggesting something dirty. Biting down on his lip, he reaches out to brush his thumb across those tear-streaked cheeks, then he leans in to kiss one, then the other, gently. "I-it's ok, Waki. I shouldn't h-have, um, p-pushed. I'm sorry."

It certainly has been a night for role reversal. N'ky wanting to break rules, K'zin wanting to be good. K'zin stuttering, N'ky making dirty references. Is it freaky fiveday of the seven or something? He stays quite still for the brushing of tears and the kissing of cheeks. "When I kissed you, I was-- I was seeing if we could. I wasn't going to push you up against the feeding ground fence and have my way with you." The bronzer is clearly returning to himself. No more sobs, and even some good humor starting to take hold in his baritone. "Shells, Nick. Is that why it upset you so much? Because you thought I wanted to-- right then and there?" He rolls onto his side again to face the greenrider, propping his head up on his hand. "Nick-- listen..." This sounds ominous. "Remember what I said about wanting to decide and then just set it aside until it was time?" He pauses only briefly before plowing forward. "I mean, I can't-- I can't be, like-- affectionate and stuff. With you. Not-- not out there." He sighs. "This-- this should be only between us. Can it be that way?" Brown eyes seek an answer from the former farrier's face.

"The feeding ground fence would've been gross, Waki. Try... the baths, or something." N'ky snorts, gently punching his friend's shoulder. See? Still buddies. "I know you can't be. Won't be. Whatever. You wouldn't dance with me even before we were confused over this stuff, would you?" He sighs softly, quickly fixing his smile when it fades. "I'm not going to tell anyone. I wasn't going to, even before you asked... this is ours." His gaze drops, and he closes his eyes for a moment of thought. "Um. Even when we're alone, a-are we, um... sh-should we stay away?" From each other, of course.

The punch is just hard enough to unbalance K'zin and he rolls onto his back again laughing. Then looking surprised, he glances over to N'ky. "No. I wouldn't." Back onto his side and readying a shove of his own, aimed for the shoulder, "Because you asked Kaeden to teach you. Dimglow." The insult is in complete jest, and he completely passes over any other meaning for beyond the specific instance of dancing for the sake of teaching.. Then things are shifting to a more serious topic again though, so his expression changes accordingly. "Yeah. For now anyway. Just-- be regular guys being regular friends." He chews his lower lip a moment, eyes wandering in the dark. "Later..." When there are no rules; he shrugs, indicating either that he doesn't know or they'll have to wait and see. It might be different some day. It might also be that K'zin might never be able to handle it, even if N'ky wishes that of him. He is who he is, he grows and he changes, but he's always himself: take the whole package or have none.

"Yeah. Later." N'ky shrugs too, rolling onto his back. He readjusts his trousers, tweaking at his sleeping vest, then stretches and yawns, before rolling back onto his side to face K'zin. "D'you think it might've been different if I'd used my tongue?" Teasing, of course! He snorts, play-punching again. "I'm sorry, K'zin. I've just decided I can do this, and, um, I guess I want to while I'm, er, still inspired to?" He shrugs, dragging a pillow over to fluff it up and drop his head down onto it. "It's going to happen to me, wh-whether I like it or not, I guess, so I'd, er, b-better get used to it." Another shrug, as he bites heavily on his lip.

"No. I'd've slapped you like the brazen young thing you're trying to be!" K'zin responds with a laugh, teasing lacing his tone in return. Mocking a light slap to N'ky's face, though moving slowly to do it so the other has plenty of time to know it's coming and brace appropriately. Then again, to serious matters. Brows knit and he nods, "I get it. But I mean, I guess if you're only inspired in only this moment and never again then we probably shouldn't be--" He shrugs, leaving the last unsaid. This whole thing doesn't seem to have much to do with being inspired for K'zin though, more to do with duty, and concern for the well-being of those in N'ky's shoes. When the greenrider comments on the likely unavoidable hazards of his profession, the barrier from more intimate physical contact that K'zin had been working up waivers, scooching to wrap an arm around N'ky, the hug a little intimate, but more supportive than intimate. "It'll be alright, Nick. Cai'll only rise a couple times a turn..." For the rest of his life until she's too old. "Maybe you'll luck out and get all girls." He comments as he releases the other, the touch probably more encouraging than the words. "And if not, and you do end up with things happening whether you like it or not, you can always count on me to talk to about it. About any of it." Beat. "There's nothing you couldn't ever tell me, you know?" Except perhaps if N'ky were to ever start confessing forbidden love for his best bud! But that's a road they may never walk.

The slap gets an exaggerated reaction - one that might possibly have evolved into a tackle, if there were room to do so under the bed. He leans back and listens, resting his head on the pillow and yawning, loudly. "Yeah, well, you might end up getting laid more than me. Rasavyth might catch everything. He might be the new Cadejoth." N'ky shrugs. "I think we should just see what happens, Waki. Maybe... m-maybe you won't want to try this stuff, by the time we can. Maybe I won't want to. I want to now, but... things change, right?" He yawns again, nestling down into the pillow. "You're a good kisser though. I'd kiss you again, but I'd use tongue next time. It's more fun, and I'd hit you back if you slapped me... only you wouldn't, because it'd be more fun for you, too." He seems pretty certain about it, reaching out to curl fingers in his friend's tunic again. "Part of me wants to stay under here."

K'zin's nose wrinkles. "He doesn't need to be the new Cadejoth. Cadejoth can be Cadejoth. He can chase tail and miss. Or catch." That part doesn't seem to bother K'zin quite the same way. "Maybe. Of course, if you wanted to be that greenrider, I'm sure you could get laid more than I end up. If you wanted." He's teasing now. He shakes his head then. "Nick. I need to try this. I can't be the guy you're afraid of. That male greenriders are afraid of. I don't know what a flight will be like and I need to know how to do it so I don't hurt someone." His expression hardens, but it's just because now there's the threat of turning everything they've just talked about upside down. "Yeah. You might not want to. That's fine. Whatever-- whatever you decide is fine. Wouldn't want you uncomfortable." There's a blush in his cheeks, but not for the talk of kissing, for the talk that came before. His hand reach up and gently disentangle N'ky's hand. "Yeah, but... we'd better get back before we're missed." There's something-- it's mild, but something that's changed in those moments when N'ky spoke, though K'zin's words about N'ky's discomfort were genuine. He's rolling, starting to wriggle out from under the bed, pushing his pillow out in front of him, and grabbing the glow with the other hand, reaching fairly near the greenrider to do so.

There's reluctance from N'ky; he doesn't want to get out from under the bed just yet. "Waki..." He reaches for the rider's hand when it comes towards him for the glow basket - but stops before he can touch it. "Never mind." Sighing heavily, he withdraws his hand to grip tightly at his pillow for a moment before he accepts that their underbed haven is no more, and it's time to get out. It's easier for him to wriggle out what with being decidedly beanpole-like, and he gets to his knees to peer over the top of the mattress to the bronze weyrling. He hugs his pillow to his chest, dropping his chin onto it. "I don't know what to do about Mave."A little random, perhaps; but is it completely unrelated to what they've just spent so much time discussing?

The nickname isn't enough to stall his efforts. There are things to be done now, they've got to put the bed to rights for starters, and there's that plate of sweet rolls and cookies and cool klah to worry about. K'zin opens the glow just a little further, not enough to extend far, but to give them a little more light to check over the pillows for dust and to retuck the blankets. The bronzer bends to the task, slapping off the pillow and putting it back on the bed before attacking the blankets. He looks to N'ky for help. "What do you mean? What to do about Mave?" He asks as he works, tone now casual, firmly back in the friend zone. When the time comes, they will, or they won't. He's not going to worry his pretty head about it just now. It's time to be buds.

"I don't know what to do with her." N'ky shrugs, finishing up with his messy attempt to remake the bed. "I don't know what I am to her... I don't know what she is to me. I thought I knew, and now... I don't. I don't know." He bites on his lip, picking up a sweetroll to nibble on, ignoring the crumbs it drops to the floor. "I spoke to her and told I couldn't be what I wanted to be for her, not with Cailluneth - like, just with her." Monogamy! "And I don't know how it went. I don't know... if she likes me still, because she was all, um, squirmy. When I tried to kiss her. And... a-and maybe... maybe she's... maybe she's too young." He bites even harder down on his lip, dropping his forehead to his palm. "I k-kinda see her as older than she is, and... she's not. And she won't... I mean, I don't think she will want to, t-to do what, um... to do stuff."

K'zin bites his lower lip and chews it. He's a little uncomfortable, but it doesn't stop him from responding as he keeps tucking the blankets. That's when he realizes he's the only one tucking. "Hey. You want advice? You work for it." He complains. "And watch the crumbs. You want everyone finding out we snuck in here?" Rules, rules, rules! Or at least, a sincere effort not to get caught. "Mave..." He starts and then sighs and shakes his head. "I don't know what she's told you. Because I wasn't there." Obviously. "But I know she told me she just wants to have friends right now and not deal with the more complicated stuff." He purses his lips, finishing tucking the one side of the blankets back to near-perfect. "I know it's not what you want to hear, but-- I don't think she's ready for more. Or even if she's ready, I don't think she wants more right now. If you like her, that way," The monogamous way. "You're probably in for a wait. She is younger than us both by a couple turns." He does concede the point. "A girl like Mave is worth waiting for, though. Right?" There's something there in K'zin's voice that colors it warmly, though it's hard to tell if it's just general admiration for his friend or something perhaps more. "If you're into that whole-- one-person thing." Which it sounds like he's not, in case they haven't been over that enough lately. "It's hard not to see her as older than she is. She's too smart and wise for her own good. But don't ever tell her I said so."

N'ky kicks the crumbs he's dropped under the bed. "Like they'll know it's us from crumbs," he grumbles... though he is more careful with his next bite. Make-out sessions and big emotional talks make him hungry! "I do like her a lot. She said she wants to kiss, but just kiss... and I want to, y'know, do that. But I also like her a lot, and I don't want to do stuff with oth--oh. Wait." The greenrider frowns, scrunching up his nose in thought. "I just made out with you... and I don't feel too guilty about it." Not at all, if he's being honest. "I dunno. I mean, I do like her and if I wasn't a rider I'd want to, like... handfast her or something, but I can't, but I don't want to let go of her, but then I have to to do what she wants, but it's not what I want... does that make sense?" Because he looks like he's confused himself. N'ky runs his fingers through his hair, shaking his head. "The Holder in me likes the idea of just one person. A lot. But I'm not a Holder any more, am I? And if I tried doing the whole one person thing, I'd only feel guilty when Cailluneth paired me up with someone else. So... I guess I can't do that - can I?" He polishes off the last of his sweetroll, reaching for another. "Oh. Cailluneth's awake. She's..." He frowns, focusing on his dragon. Then he laughs. "She's going to your couch. To Rasavyth." For cuddles!

K'zin listens to the length of what N'ky has to say before responding, moving to start tucking the other side of the bed since no help is apparently forthcoming. The first thing he has is a smile and a chuckle. "I can see him now. Come morning," For a moment, K'zin pitches his voice halfway to his "Lady Smith" falsetto, and he approximates, complete with high society accenting, Rasavyth's tenor. "My, my. I don't recall having this strumpet here when I went to sleep. Just goes to show my natural magnetism." He snorts, "She'll start this and by morning, it'll be Ras and all the greens. They'll be overflowing the couch in their quest for cuddles." He does seem to amuse himself as he goes on describing this fiction. Then he's back to the more human matters. He picks up the pillow N'ky had been using and taps it off. "Mave is special." He agrees first, tossing the pillow back on the bed before moving to where N'ky has the plate of goodies, and plucks up a cookie for himself. "You're right that you're not a Holder and that total monogamy is impossible now, especially since Cai is green. You'll always be in a situation where you can't be with just your own love; you'll have to share Cai's lovers too." He takes a bite of his cookie, and his empty hand reaches out to pat N'ky's forearm, "But I think you're seeing it pretty black and white. If you want to say you can't be loyal to one person because of your dragon so you don't want to bother with the whole thing, then that's fine. But you can be committed to just one person and it just be understood that there will be others whenever a flight rolls around. I've seen it work, often." He gives a little shrug then. "It comes down to what you really want. You'll never be handfasted, but plenty of riders weyrmate, but just because you're weyrmated doesn't mean you're necessarily exclusive here." The rest of the cookie goes in, and then he has one more piece of Waki Wisdom (tm) to share. "You know how every dragon is different? Just like every dragon is? So is every relationship. What's important is that the people in it understand what's happening, and what the -- what the rules are." Then, "I'm glad you don't feel guilty." Three cookies go into his mouth simultaneously and it steals his ability to babble on, else he might!

"I think it's the first time she's not come looking for me." Where he was amused, N'ky now seems a little saddened by his green wanting to be with someone else. She's growing up even more! "You're getting too broad-shouldered for that voice," he snorts at K'zin, with perhaps a hint of jealousy - all the training and lifting still hasn't really made him look any bigger than before. "I think I'm thinking about all this too much," he finally admits with a dismissive shrug. "But it's all sorta been in here," he screws a crumby finger to his temple, "that I need to grow up and get hitched, and have babies and be a good son like that. You know?" Or not, given their different upbringings. "And I guess I'd have to find someone who wants to be with me before I even have to really worry about that stuff. After we graduate and stuff, of course." While Waki's got his mouth full, N'ky takes advantage: "You and me could move in together. It could be a boys' weyr."

K'zin's smile is sympathetic. He doesn't know what it's like, but he's gotten a sense of what things are like for the others by watching. "Maybe she just sensed that you want to be with me right now, and Ras-- well, he's me. As a dragon. Well, no. That's not right. But he's my dragon and we're part of each other and--" Hopefully N'ky understands because K'zin's babble cuts itself off this time. "Yeah? I didn't think I was getting any bigger. I could swear that I was just barely maintaining 'cause of the lack of time at the forge. But I guess maybe I have been since I started doing all that extra, extra training." The ones that help tire him out, keep him focused, and stave off the headaches that were worse in the first couple of months. He listens to the expectations as he stuffs his mouth, and then it's full and there's that question. He freezes, blinking at N'ky. "Isshnt--" He starts then swallows. "Isn't that sort of-- a way to give you an excuse not to find someone that wants to be with you if you've got a roommate around all the time?" He's trying to be careful here, in case the question means more than it seems at face value. "Besides, aren't you tired of having to always share sleeping quarters with people?" Then comes the real answer. "I'm looking forward to having my own place, Nick." His hand reaches out to find the other's then, lest offense be taken. "You'll always be welcome. You can crash when you like," Unless he has company, "But I need somewhere that belongs just to me. Things have been-- confusing. Things still are confusing." He almost goes on, but in the endeavor not to circle back to previously beaten dead runners, he falls silent, fingers still lingering on his hand.

Another sweetroll is filched from the plate, and N'ky shrugs. "The girls all like you more anyway, Waki. Maybe if you were my roommate, I'd have a better chance of getting laid." He shrugs again. "I've never had a place of my own. Dorms, barracks... I guess our couch is kinda ours, but it's not as away from everything as a weyr is." Frowning, he pauses to take a bite from the 'roll, swallows, then continues. "I guess Cai'll be there with me though, right? So it won't be lonely. She doesn't snore, though... there's always been someone who snores near me." And the lack of it in the future would seem to be a problem! "I didn't meant for you to move in and be, like, a weyrmate or anything. Just so you know." Again, he shrugs, brushing that thought off without a care for it, and giving Waki's hand a squeeze before he lets go of it. It would seem the moment for hand-holding and cuddling has passed, and pretty quickly at that - things are different outside of the bedfort. "Weyrs are kinda high up. Do you think they're drafty? I don't know if I'd like living so high up."

The drop of the hand doesn't seem to bother K'zin in the least. "All the girls like me as a friend. I'm going to be lucky if I get laid, ever." K'zin responds with a roll of his eyes. "I would've said Azaylia, maybe, but now I'm not so sure. I think my foot got all the way to my stomach last time I talked to her." He winces at the memory. "Besides, I don't know how you can say that when you have gotten laid and I haven't. And you have Mave wanting to kiss you, and she never wants to kiss me again." A light punch is directed to N'ky's shoulder. "You have a really skewed way of looking at things, you know?" The last sweetroll is stolen. His comment probably applies to what he said first, and what he says next, "From what I hear, ladies appreciate privacy. You want to get laid, you need a place of your own. Doesn't mean you give up spending time with your--" Bro? Are they really just bros now? "Me." He settles on, though the way he makes the swap from bro to just saying 'me,' could lead to some confusion. "Yeah. Cai will be there. And if you get lonely, you can get Ras to wake me up." That too, might sound a little confusing. "I don't snore either." He doesn't. "So I wouldn't be of help there anyway. We could make you some windchimes or something. Cai might like them. I don't know that they're drafty. On the ledge it's probably windy. The only one I've ever been in is K'del's. It didn't seem drafty, but you could probably ask the riders. I bet there's some that are a little lower. I want to be in one as hiiiiigh as I can get."

It's all true, of course, and it leaves N'ky blushing. "Yeah, well." He shrugs and smirks, filching a cookie since the sweetrolls are all gone. "You're prettier, Lady Smith. And you've got the big shiny dragon - that counts for something, right? Ladies love a bronzerider." At least the ladies in his Harper tales did! He elbows his friend in the ribs, winking at him. "My you?" He inverts the 'your me', snorting in amusement. "I didn't know you were my you. And you might snore with the latest break in your nose... how do you know you don't?" The windchimes idea has him shaking his head; not so keen. "Do you really want to be right up at the top? Eurgh. I'd rather have one of the weyrwomen's weyrs, they're more about the sort of height that I'd like. Maybe Ill move in with Azaylia." Cue another rib-nudge. "Are we ready to go back, now? I guess there's still some time to sleep... what were you doing up, anyway?"

"I think you've read too many Harper tales, Nick." K'zin responds with a laugh. "Being a bronzer isn't all it's cracked up to be, I'd imagine. For instance, no one told me that my best-friend was going to get nervous around me when I start act like one sometimes." Cue the elbow in return. Then there's some blushing to worry about. K'zin takes the opportunity to grab up the glow basket and head back to the chair still against the wall, climbing up to put it back, saying as he goes, "I wasn't sure what to call myself. Bro seems like it'd be... well, weird. It implies brother, but I don't have any inclination to--" He hooks the basket up, and he coughs as he comes down, coughs right over the important word, "-- my brothers. I didn't find the right word fast enough. So..." And so the mystery of his "me" is explained. "I am though. No matter how I change. I'll always be your me. Good, bad, all of it. Always a part of you with me." Aw. He says it so off-handedly, and that's probably the only reason he can express this kind of sentiment that has deeper meaning than the tone implies. He jumps down off the chair before moving it back into place and dusting it for boot-prints. He returns to N'ky's side just in time to get nudged again. "You can move in with Azaylia if you want." K'zin's lips curl into a small smile, "But it might be awkward to share the couch with Bones." Grin. The questions of sleep and what he was doing awake are left for last: "Yep. Morning'll be coming too early as always." Then a shrug for what he was doing awake. Sometimes there's no answer for that. He just was.

"Right. And you want to -" cough "--me." N'ky laughs, curling his non-plate holding arm around K'zin's midriff and squeezing him close to bump side-to-side, before letting him go. "I always want you to be my you. I'd miss you, if you weren't. I've missed you a lot since we Impressed." Because they keep fighting! "I'm always your me, too." Is it too predictable that he holds up his hand, pinky extended, to make a pact in the same way they have done for turns? He wiggles his little finger. "Promise. No girl, no boy, no dragon - no awkward first-time experimental sex or confusing feelings."

There's a blush but no answer for what K'zin does or doesn't want to do with N'ky. He doesn't resist the squeeze, but he also doesn't seem particularly welcoming of it. "Shells, this thing just keeps getting harder. Can you imagine how long that list is going to be by the time we're fifty?" K'zin demands, laughing as his pinky curls around N'ky's. "C'mon, let's get back." He moves to the table, plucking up his klah mug and grabs up the plate from where N'ky left it. "Don't forget your klah." He adds before heading for the exit.