Difference between revisions of "Logs:Definitions"

The truth is...

The truth is that K'del doesn't want to be Ali's Weyrleader. Sure, people keep raising it as a possibility: 'Well, if Cadejoth doesn't catch Niahvth or Roszadyth, you could just go to Southern and let him catch Isyath.'

Sometimes, it's as if people think they've stumbled upon some amazing idea, something no one else will ever have thought of, except that everyone has thought of it... and no one seems to really understand why, for K'del, it's not even necessarily a good idea.

Why it's actually, in fact, a terrible idea.

K'del doesn't want to be Ali's Weyrleader. He doesn't want to work with the woman he loves; he doesn't want to fight about the right course of action and have that fight follow him into their personal life. He doesn't want to be torn between making what he sees as the right decision... and making the one that will keep domestic harmony.

He doesn't want people to think he won because of his relationship with her.

And, quietly, he's not even sure Cadejoth would win in the first place, and if he did, what was the likelihood of it being Cadejoth again? Isyath's been caught by a different bronze every time, and never by Cadejoth. True, he's not chased her every time, but...

He feels like a bad parent, sometimes, and a bad weyrmate. He likes that he still has 'his' weyr, and 'his' space, and 'his' life. Some part of him is uncomfortable with the prospect of living with Ali, no matter how much he loves her.

If he moved to Southern, he'd just be 'Ali's weyrmate,' and all the things that were his and seperate would be... different. Gone.

Half the time, he's not sure he's really cut out for weyrmating. He loves his family, and misses them desperately when he's at High Reaches and they're not, but... there's comfort in it, too.

Is it worse to feel guilty for not being there... or guilty for being there and wishing, just sometimes, you were elsewhere?

The weyrlings are eight months old, now. Eight-and-a-half. It'll be at least another turn, turn-and-a-half, before either queen rises. There's time.

K'del wants to keep his knot; he knows that. He loves his job, and he loves High Reaches. All of that is true.

But if he doesn't keep it...

Can he justify staying at High Reaches, when his family is elsewhere?

Would he want to?

And...

What else will he do with his life?

Who will he even be?

Ali's weyrmate? The father of young children? Cadejoth's rider?

Yes... but what else? It's just... it's not enough. He loves them, but they're not enough.

Cadejoth, he told his dragon, resting his head against warm, bronze hide. I don't want...

« Just be you, K'del. That's all you've ever needed to be. »

K'del's not even sure that is true, but in the moment... it feels like a nice thought.