Difference between revisions of "Logs:Ripples of change"

The thing about personal cataclysms is that it makes everything else pale in comparison, or everything else makes the cataclysm seem so wild and fanciful that it becomes surreal. Jo was right: he and Rasavyth were stuck together, dependent on one another. He was a dragonrider whether he liked it or not. Once you were with a dragon, that was your job. Your career could never again be so simple as Smith or even handyman. There were no options for those with a dragon. Dragonrider or nothing.

Perhaps before he Impressed, the revelation would have resulted in some bigger reaction. Teenagers have a way of blowing things out of proportion. Or maybe it was a testament to just how crazy things always seemed to be in this place that K'zin simply accepted that his lifemate had flexible morals that tended toward darkness instead of light.

He thought about it as he lay in bed, his mind drowning in Jo's potent booze. He could throw a fit. He could spend days in pointless rebellion, but none of that would change his lifemate. Jo was right about that too; there was no taking him back to the stores and exchanging Rasavyth for a different dragon. And... would he really want to? For all that the bronze was not what he expected when he decided he wanted to Impress, they loved each other. It went deeper than anything he'd ever know. Truly, the moment of Impression changes one's center of gravity. Come what may, K'zin would always orbit Rasavyth and Rasavyth his K'zin.

« Ras? » K'zin reached, teetering at the edge of sleep.

« I am here, my K'zin. » A silent echo: I am always here.

« I don't hate you. » The tension in their minds eased, though it was far from a return to that which was before. « I don't-- » The smoke of K'zin's forge-fire becomes momentarily choking and he can't go on, can't see past the flare of anger that explodes into life. But the iron grate is slammed over the flames, obscuring them, « We have to start over. I don't know you-- »

« You do! » Rasavyth is desperate in his protestation, but silenced by the rattle of the grate threatening to open as K'zin is interrupted.

« No. » Simply. « I don't. I know the pieces of you that you wanted me to see. But I don't know you. It's day one all over again. And you're going to have to earn back my trust. All the deals are off. We start over. We get to know each other, for real. There's going to be lots of things I don't like. But you're stuck with me. » Unsaid, but felt: so suck it up. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Rasavyth's mind cringes at the idea of K'zin not liking what he finds.

« Stop that. » Annoyed, the booze strengthening the feeling as it's conveyed to the dragon. « For better or for worse, you're you, and I'm me. We grow together; there's no option to grow apart. Not here. » A finger taps his skull. « Just because I don't like something about you or that you do doesn't mean I don't love you anyway. I don't get a choice about that. You're in here. » The finger to his heart. « Don't be afraid of me. I'm trying not to be afraid of you. » This comes softly. « We'll get through this. »

« Together. » The resolve as much as the word was shared by both, as was the agreement that neither looked forward to tomorrow. Or the next day or the next. But someday, they would look forward to a tomorrow, when things were better, easier, happier.

The days that followed were ups and downs. Surely some were noticed by wingmates as K'zin and Rasavyth seemed to struggle occasionally to act as one. K'zin had been being slippery anyway, but now he was distant, too. There were smiles enough most days, and jokes, but none of them reached K'zin's eyes. Rasavyth's congenial welcome mat was still in place, but where before everything was glossed with a feeling of authentic care, the feeling was now lackluster at times. A testament to how an earthquake under the ocean can create only the barest ripple above, so too are personal cataclysms. K'zin and Rasavyth, forever changed, but how many will feel the ripple?

Changes outside observers might note:

• K'zin and Rasavyth are both a little more distant, Rasavyth returning to his usual cheer faster than K'zin. In this, they go in opposite directions, Rasavyth draws people nearer and K'zin begins subtly keeping them more at arm's length.

• K'zin enjoys his drink more and is found more evenings in Snowasis and in other watering holes. It can be said, too, that where the rumors of K'zin's bedmates had dropped off, they're starting to come right back, though the stories have changed some, no longer so sweet or romantic.

• His performance in the wings has suffered slightly. They're obviously trying, but there's more evident frustration from K'zin and Rasavyth respectively, directed toward one another, when things don't go right.