Logs:It's My Fault
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| RL Date: 7 February, 2010 |
| Who: B'tal, Madilla |
| Type: [[Concept:{{{type}}}|{{{type}}}]] |
| What: Madilla and B'tal have a heart-to-heart. Things are okay. But Madilla REALLY wants a baby. |
| Where: Resident Common Room, High Reaches Weyr |
| When: Day {{{day}}}, Month {{{month}}}, Turn {{{turn}}} ({{{IP}}} {{{IP2}}}) |
| Mentions: Gabrion/Mentions, W'chek/Mentions, Z'yi/Mentions |
| Resident Common Room, High Reaches Weyr Just off of the main passageway lies the small cavern that forms the hub of the residents' quarters, kept immaculately clean by the headwoman's staff and warmed in cold weather by a stone hearth to the left and well back from the entrance. Comfortable chairs and a plush fur arrayed before the hearth make an inviting spot to curl up with a book or handicraft, or just to sit and chat. Beyond, additional chairs stand in clusters throughout the room, some upholstered with age-softened hide, some plain wood. At the widest point of the cavern, a round table gleams with polish, though its surface is nicked and scarred from Turns of use. Beyond the table, the very back of the cavern often lies in shadow unless the glowbaskets there are unlidded to cast cozy pools of light. The commingled scents of klah, smoke and polish permeate the air along with the sweetness of rosemary and lavender. Tapestries hang across the entrances to dormitories and more private quarters as well as the exit to the outer hall, colorful protections from drafts. It's not the most /beautiful/ day outside - all that cloud - but it's not actually snowing /or/ raining, so perhaps that's why the Common Room is not quite as full as it has been throughout much of the winter, this evening. There are actually a few free seats around, several of them surrounding Madilla, who has spread out her supplies on the round table, and is busy stitching together some of her quilt squares into the larger whole. Bend down over the work, she's industrious in her efforts, focused on it above all other considerations. B'tal doesn't look comfortable precisely when he rounds from the caverns into the common room but there is something purposeful about the way he doesn't just turn tail and run when he actually spies who he must be looking for. He watches Madilla from a distance for a few moments, then finally moves forward toward her, murmuring, "Madilla," is a quiet, tentative voice. Madilla is absolutely oblivious until the sound of her name draws her attention upwards; at first, she looks simply surprised and perhaps a little pleased to recognise the greenrider, but a moment later, gaze narrowing in on his lip, her expression turns hard. "B'tal," she begins-- but her voice breaks at the end. "Did he do that, B'tal?" No bets on who 'he' means in this context. She looks horrified, and disgusted, now. That's probably the reaction that B'tal was really hoping wouldn't happen. Almost instantly he looks hurt and defensive and possibly a little ashamed of himself. "It's not what you think," he manages to assure her except that he can't quite manage eye contact and he seems uncertain about actually sitting down. Reaching across to push out one of the free chairs, Madilla fastens a watchful, considering gaze on the greenrider, then sighs. "No?" she sounds as though she wishes, desperately, she could believe that-- but can't. She takes a breath, looking back down at her work before she says anything more. When she does, it's very softly. "I'm sorry, B'tal. It's my fault." "It was my fault," B'tal says rather earnestly, eyeing the chair that's pushed out for a moment before moving to actually settle down in it. "I said some--" he pulls in a breath and glances up toward her for a moment, "I said some things about you. About us. Me and you. But I didn't /mean/ them, I'm promise," as though she suddenly knows exactly what those things might be. "It wasn't you at all. It was my fault." Again, Madilla reaches out, but this time it's with the intention of taking one of B'tal's hands in her own, and squeezing it-- if he lets her. Earnestly, attempting desperately to meet his gaze, she says, "No. It wasn't your fault. I shouldn't have-- but you shouldn't have to put up with that. It's not right. He can't just go around beating people up. Not you, not Gabrion, not /anyone/. But I shouldn't have said anything." She ignores any mention of what might have been said about her: not relevant! "I was worried about you. I still am." There is some small bit of tension when Madilla takes his hand but B'tal doesn't actually try to pull his away and soon enough he's relaxing. Blue eyes shift up briefly toward hers and then he's glancing down at their hands as he says barely more than a whisper, "He loves me, Madilla. I know he does. He didn't mean to. He just got angry. He's not a bad person." Toward the end he's sounding a little more earnest. "You don't hit people you love," says Madilla, her voice cracking a little bit as she says is. She reaches out her other hand, holding his with both, as, earnestly, she attempts to regain eye-contact with him. "You just don't. He could have really hurt you. He /could/ really hurt you. Can't you see that?" She sounds as though she's swallowing back tears, trying desperately hard to keep her composure. And then, softly, "I'm sorry. That's not my-- I just don't like the idea of people I care about being hurt." "He cares about you, too. He was defending you," B'tal says, struggling a little to say it since he must know that's not actually what she's going to want to hear. He does finally look up to really meet her gaze, at least. "He /won't/ really hurt me. He won't. He loves me. And I love him. I was proddy and he didn't realize it and it was just all a big misunderstanding. It's not like I haven't been hit before." And he probably doesn't really mean that the way it comes out. Madilla's expression says, even though she can't manage to get her mouth around the words 'no, no, no'. There are tears in her eyes as she meets B'tal's gaze, and she has to take a deep, long breath before she can get words out. "But don't you see? You've been hit multiple times. That's not right. I don't... I don't want anyone to be hit because of me. I don't want anyone to be hit at all! But I especially don't... I want nothing to do with people who use violence like that." And now her voice is completely lost in those incoming tears, though her hands are still firm on B'tal's. "Not by him," B'tal protests a little anxiously. It might be the tears in her eyes that make him look both uncomfortable and concerned. "You shouldn't hold this against him, Madilla. People lose their tempers. That just /happens./ Don't be angry at him. Please?" It's probably a little pathetic the way that B'tal looks at Madilla, like he could make her feel the way he wants her to by pure force of will. He clearly doesn't want his weyrmate and his, probably, best friend at odds with each other, after all. He moves somewhat, drawing one hand away from her grip in an attempt to move an arm around her comfortingly. That gesture, B'tal's arm moving around her, makes Madilla begin to cry outright, no doubt several days worth of tension bubbling to the surface in the wake of that simple touch. She looks apologetic-- but can't seem to stop herself. "I'm sorry," she blubbers, red-faced, a few moments later, though she leans in to the touch. "I just-- I /can't/. He broke Gabrion's nose for daring to tell me, he hit you... it's not right." "It's okay," B'tal murmurs as comfortingly as he can manage to the healer. He's uncomfortable with having his arm around a crying girl but this particular crying girl is clearly worth it. "It's okay, Madilla. I'm sorry. I didn't mean-- I'm sorry. Don't cry. We can... we can still be friends, though, can't we?" He's not really happy that she's upset with W'chek but apparently he still values their friendship enough to make sure it's not a him or her sort of thing. Madilla manages to draw back eventually, and wipes at her tear-stained face with the back of her hand, nodding hurriedly. "Of course we can still be friends, B'tal," she says, in a choked up kind of voice, though there's certainty to it. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have cried on you." Tears still dripping down her face; she wipes at them again. "I know you love him. And... I'm glad. I just. I don't. It's--" She breaks off, shakes her head. "I can't abide the thought, but I won't try and convince you to leave him or anything, B'tal. But... if you need to, you can stay with me." The greenrider is more than a little relieved by the first of what she says. He even relaxes and he doesn't try to keep her close, though B'tal does keep a concerned eye on Madilla. "I don't mind. Really. It's good to have someone to cry on sometimes," he offers as though maybe he might wish he had more of them sometimes. He blushes somewhat at the last of what she says and offers sincerely, "Thanks. I'll remember that." Beat. "You know," he hesitates uncertainly, probably knowing his advice here is probably unwanted, "You know... you should wait for someone that you love, Madilla." Madilla looks as though, for a moment, she's about to volunteer to return the favour, but she's distracted; she makes a face, wiping at her eyes again, and then sighs. "So people keep telling me. But... I want a baby. I want one so badly it's all I can think about sometimes. And I can't think of anyone who has /ever/ shown that kind of interest in me." She swallows thickly, and then a second time, giving B'tal a weak kind of smile. "I suppose trying with someone who will never love me like that is a bad start, maybe. But I... wanted to help. And it seemed like it solved so many problems for all of us." She looks miserable. B'tal leans back into his own seat slowly, hesitant to remove contact from Madilla entirely at first. "I don't think it's a bad start. Really. Guys aren't ... like girls. I mean-- I don't know. You shouldn't trust just anyone when it comes to sex. I might be gay, but I don't think we think about sex all that differently in the end. Just a matter of who with." He sounds awkward. Very awkward. But he's trying to say something here. "Most guys will say almost anything for it. I don't want one of those sorts taking advantage of you." Aw. Bety is feel protective of Madilla. "You're probably my best friend, Madilla, and I love you." Pointedly. It might not be /that/ way, but it's still real. "You don't want to see me hurt and I don't want to see you hurt. Okay?" A few more shuddering breaths, and Madilla manages to quiet her breathing. She nods, first hesitantly, and then more certainly as B'tal speaks; for once, there are no blushes at mention of sex, though perhaps it's just that her face is red enough from the tears that it's harder to tell. "I love you, too, B'tal, and-- okay. I will be careful. I don't... want to be taken advantage of." She takes another breath before she says anything more, and when she does, it's very quietly. "Z'yi took me out a little while ago. He... offered." Her gaze seeks B'tal's; what does he think? He offers a small smile to her when she says she'll be careful and all that. But the smile fades from B'tal's face when she mentions that Z'yi has offered to fill the role of father for her. He doesn't quite frown but the bluerider is kind of an awkward subject in general for him. "Huh," is all he manages at first, uncertain. Then, "What do you think about that?" Yeah, Madilla's watching close enough to see the smile fade, and she looks awkward for it. Swallowing, she shakes her head. "I don't know?" Then, more firmly, "We had a nice time. I like him. As a person, I mean. It--" She breaks off, gives a wan little smile. "I never thought it would come down to this. Working out who-- T'rev offered, too. Fort's Weyrleader. But it all feels very strange. I don't know. But every time I give someone the news," and in a weyr? This happens pretty often, "I feel like I'm going to lose it. I'm so /jealous/." B'tal looks a little surprised to hear that she's had an offer from the Fortian Weyrleader. Although if he kept up more with the man's reputation, he might not look quite that way. "Z'yi is... I mean, he could probably be nice. He'd be gentle with you, at least." B'tal doesn't really have a lot to say about the bluerider but for one reason or another, he doesn't entirely seem to approve of him for this. "If you knew you'd stay here, I'd say pick someone local. But you don't know that so maybe a rider, at least, so they could visit. If that's what you want. " He looks a little confused, though. "Jealous of what?" Madilla looks awkward, as though she's not quite sure what to say about the Fortian Weyrleader's offer, either. Her gaze narrows in on B'tal, though, as she asks, finally, "But you don't really like the idea, do you? I know you--" And he. She swallows again, adding, "I suppose that makes sense. A rider. Though I hate the idea of living away from the father of my child in any case. I'm jealous that other women are having babies - and /getting rid of/ babies, in some cases - when I'm... not. Why is it never my turn?" She looks like she's about to cry again. "I don't know how genuine he is," B'tal admits about the bluerider, at least. "He's been hanging around my sister, too," he adds in a 'for what it's worth' sort of fashion, though it's probably up to Madilla to decide what that even means in the end. "Maybe you ought to just... you know." It's clearly something he's a little awkward saying to Madilla of all people. But if she wants a child that badly, it's certainly not difficult to find the... equipment for them. He frowns when she looks like she might start crying again. "Don't cry. It'll be okay, I promise. You'll find someone. I know you will. And if you don't, well... what're friends for, right?" He's blushing rather fiercely again despite the fact that that was probably really meant as a joke. Madilla frowns as she listens, though she gives a quick half nod, probably intended to mark that she's listening, that she gets what B'tal is trying to say. She manages a fonder smile though, as he blushes. "He didn't promise-- you know, love and all the rest of it. But he said he'd stick by it, be a present father. He said he wanted to do something that /mattered/." Madilla's less making excuses as presenting the facts, as though this might make a difference to the greenrider's opinion. Quietly, then, "I don't want to just... use someone. Not really. Not... unless I have to." At least she's managed to swallow back her tears. "Thank you, B'tal. For-- listening, if nothing else. I'm sorry." "Well, it's really up to you in the end, Madilla. If you're comfortable with him, then that's what you need to go buy." B'tal isn't going to bad-mouth the bluerider whether he deserves it or not so it's hard to tell if he does deserve it or not. He licks the split in his lip briefly, a habit he's formed in the last seven or so, then notes, "I wouldn't want to just use someone either. I know what you mean." He's sympathetic to that. "Ever since Jeibeth I've just figured that she'll probably be the rider of someone that catches her." B'tal's future child's mother, presumably. "I mean, a lot of them don't... follow through, you know." Between is a hard reality. "But it might happen eventually." And for that he has a small, slightly wistful smile. "I don't know," says Madilla, with a rueful smile. "And that's the problem. Life was easier when I didn't have to make these decisions, you know? I didn't even /decide/ that I was going to be with W'chek... it happened. He decided, maybe. And now..." She shakes her head, laughs wryly. "I hope you did get the baby you want. One of these days, someone will-- it could happen, honestly." And she looks genuinely hopeful for him. "And me... I suppose we'll see. I'll work something out; I /will/." Before she starts stealing babies out of desperation. "My luck she'll probably end up being some girl that doesn't want a guy like me around her baby anyway." B'tal offers a small laugh about that, not a particularly amused one and his gaze is distantly thoughtful in the moments following. Then he blinks back to focus. "Maybe you won't have to decide. Could happen that way again. Meet someone and it'll all just click. Like some harper's tale. I know you'll work it out, though. You're a good person, Madilla. Any guy'd be stupid to think otherwise." He shifts forward on his seat but he doesn't rise just yet. With feeling; "I can't imagine someone not wanting you around, B'tal." Madilla's smile is a genuine, warm one. "I can hope," she continues, with a shake of her head. "But I'm not holding my breath. I don't-- I'm not really a romantic." Her expression is amused: well, that's not a surprise, really, is it? "I'll take what comes. However it does. As long as it /does/. Thank you, though," she adds. "For coming to see me. I'm-- glad. That things are okay. I hope they stay that way. And I am sorry." B'tal returns her smile slightly, perhaps a little more awkwardly than a moment ago. But if he has something else to say on that, it's not coming out. He does rise now, leaning down enough to try offering a small hug and a quick kiss to the side of her head. "Everything's fine. I promise. It'll be fine. I should get going. But let me know if you ever need anything." Like opinions on men. His taste really isn't /as/ bad as everyone seems to think, after all. "Uh. Right. Anyway, have a good day, Madilla." Isn't it? It's looks pretty bad. But Madilla only smiles, nods, and says, "You, too, B'tal. Look after yourself. And-- if you need anything, too... you know where I am." If there's something sad behind her expression as she says that? Well, it only lasts a moment or two. Or three. "I know," B'tal says, but he's already turning away and he doesn't look back on his way out of commons back into the caverns beyond.
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