Since she'd been away, Aishani had never been willing to risk a letter to her family. She wasn't stupid enough to sign it with her name, nor be very specific in the contents, but one never knew what could be given away in the wrong turn of phrase or a careless word.
She knew she was paranoid and now had Iesaryth to cheerfully confirm that for her - though the gold had some sense that Hraedhyth wouldn't agree and might think Aishani strategically intelligent in this case. However, knowing Iesaryth privately thought her sister gold and ally was a little paranoid herself, that didn't help much.
So, she'd ignored the feeling low in the pit of her stomach, waited until a time when she and Iesaryth were still awake while the others slept, and carefully wrote a short, short note - no copies to burn or dispose of - just to share her news. To tell them that, while plans hadn't changed, something amazing had happened, something beyond even her plans when she'd left them. That she'd be able to see them, eventually - that there'd likely be a time when it wouldn't seem unusual for a weyrling to find herself with them. She'd hoped that it would bring them some happiness, or that despite their feelings, they'd be happy for her.
She'd planned for occasional communication; her note went to Crom, then from there out to her family. Never expecting to send anything so soon, she had been surprised at her anxiety in waiting for an answer. She was jumpy and irritable, passing it off as exhaustion with profuse apologies; she chewed her thumbnails ragged until Iesaryth started yelling « STOP! » every time she put thumb to mouth. It was irritating, but better than messing up her hands any more.
When there was eventually a message for her, it was only sheer determination that kept her from opening it right away, that kept her hands from shaking when she finally did, late at night. Iesaryth's gentle wash of ocean waves continued steadily in her mind, ever present, never changing, soothing and comforting. It was a short note in a hand she didn't recognize, primarily because it was heavy and masculine, like none of her aunts'. It was from an uncle she hadn't seen in turns, recently come home. Maybe, she thought, beginning to feel ill, That explains it.
Because she couldn't see any of her aunts sending such a letter, with such bare congratulations and dissuading her from any visits. 'It wouldn't be a good idea. Some could not handle the sight.'
That hurt, somewhere deep, somewhere not touched since childhood. Iesaryth was beautiful. But it wasn't her beauty that they would object to - it was what she was and what she meant.
Salty sea-breeze fresh and clean, trying to clear away the pain, Iesaryth whispered, « They have no sense of the larger picture. I know it hurts you, Shan. But they are small-minded. They will see. » The gold was confident in that, as in all things - but bolstered by her unshakable belief in her lifemate.
Have I... have I become something I hate?
« Don't let anyone make you doubt yourself. Or me. »
Aishani was immediately snapped out of her self-pity by that, throwing arms around Iesaryth's neck in sudden apology. Resting her head against the small dragon's, she thought, I don't doubt you. I would never. I'm sorry. I'd rather have you than his approval, I just-- I'm doing everything for them.
Iesaryth nuzzled her head affectionately. « I've been meaning to talk to you about that... Start doing more things for you. » The crash and rush of water and wave afterward seemed to emphasize that as an order. Or as close as the gold would get to one.
She stuffed the note away in her pocket, considering Iesaryth's words. Even if this might bother her, she wouldn't let it make her doubt herself. And she wouldn't let it make her lose precious sleep, or shed anymore tears - because that was just getting ridiculous. She had a reputation to maintain. Flopping down next to her lifemate, she gave a heavy sigh, trying to exhale all of her worries in one long breath.
How's this. Tell Hraedhyth to tell Azaylia we're going to find some decent clothes for when we're able to look nice again.
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