Logs:That Hateful Word
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| RL Date: 7 May, 2013 |
| Who: Madilla |
| Type: [[Concept:{{{type}}}|{{{type}}}]] |
| What: After her talk with Devaki, Madilla attempts to sort through her feelings. |
| Where: Road to High Reaches Weyr |
| When: Day 20, Month 9, Turn 31 (Interval 10) |
| Mentions: Devaki/Mentions, Dilan/Mentions, Issedi/Mentions, Lilabet/Mentions |
| OOC Notes: Random song-from-a-musical accompaniment, go. |
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| Halfway back to the Weyr, Madilla realised that she didn't want to be there. She wasn't ready to be back, to be assumed to be on duty even when she wasn't-- to be on duty for the people she cared about, even though she did care about them and did want to be there for them. She wanted-- she needed-- She had the Iceberg rider set her down a few miles outside the Weyr, after promising faithfully that she would be able to make her way back safely. The road was muddy, and the air was cold, but the rain wasn't falling: she would be fine. Something in her expression made that brownrider wary, but also sympathetic. He made her promise to check in with someone when she got back, because otherwise he'd come searching for her. She felt some of the tension leave her shoulders as he flew away again, leaving her alone upon the road to High Reaches. This high up into the mountains, the air was clear and fresh, and in a different way to the salt-sea air of that earlier walk. She could still smell the salt on her clothes, but this walk would fix that, she suspected. Hopefully, by the time she made it back to the Weyr, she would be ready to go on.
(She chose not to think too hard on that point.) But being 'not as terrible as she had feared' didn't mean she wasn't still terrified. She could feel it, now, and had to try and beat it back down: that rising panic. What if... What happens... Don't you dare do anything that hurts my son. But he was their son. In telling him, she had made that so. There was no going back, now, back to that innocent secret, the boy-without-a-father. Sooner or later, it would be a known fact. Her son, Lord Devaki's bastard. Her son, brother to High Reaches Hold's next Lord Holder (she suspected, and oh, hadn't Devaki more or less confirmed that such a thing was likely?). She didn't want to share him. She didn't want Devaki to act as a father to either of her children, and it was selfish and awful, but there it was. They were hers. And she still didn't trust this not to hurt them. Not deliberately - Devaki would never do that. But did he really understand what this could mean for them? For Dee, in particular. He would gain a much-wanted brother out of this, yes, but at what cost? One day, that brother would be Lord Holder and Dee would... "Dee will be anything he wants to be," she told herself, speaking the words out into the cool air. Anything but Lord Holder. Anything but a proper member of that family, not just the bastard son. She hated that word. It was hateful - it was unkind. Unfair. They'd done nothing wrong, in making him. It was only because Devaki had married, since, and whom he'd married, that her son was anything less, and only by their standards. Devaki seemed to think Issedi would be fine with it, that because Dee was born before they were married she wouldn't be upset. He was fooling himself, she suspected, if he really believed that. Issedi was pregnant. This was her husband. What wife would want to find out about her husband's activities before their marriage? What wife would be comfortable seeing her husband's bastard enter their lives? No. And Madilla felt protectiveness rise up inside of her. If Issedi did anything to make her son feel less than welcome, when the time came... She wished, part of her wished, that she could run away with the children and never be seen again. She'd done what she had to, in telling the truth, what more could be expected of her? Don't make me do this. But she must. She'd deprived Devaki of access to his son for four turns, now, and it wasn't fair to continue it. The truth would have to come out. Dilan would have to know. Dilan would have to spend time with his father. And Madilla would have to find some way to bear it.
But she knew, deep down, that she would do anything she had to, to protect her son. You may have fathered him, Devaki, but he is mine, and I won't let anything happen to him. She hugged them both extra hard that night. But she didn't tell them why. |
Comments
Azaylia (Dragonshy (talk)) left a comment on Thu, 09 May 2013 01:17:28 GMT.
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Is it wrong that I enjoy it when Madilla is selfish? And even still, it's for good reason. A mother's love is a powerful thing, and I hope neither Devaki or Issedi do anything to invoke its wrath. >_>
There are so many layers to her character, and all of them have merit and make sense for Madilla, her children, and the situation.
I really enjoyed reading this. <3
K'zin (K'zin (talk)) left a comment on Thu, 09 May 2013 12:47:08 GMT.
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I love seeing the strength Mads has under the surface rising up. I root for her. <3
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