Logs:Lilabet's Family
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| RL Date: 25 December, 2013 |
| Who: Lilabet, Madilla |
| Involves: High Reaches Weyr |
| Type: Vignette |
| What: It's only partially Raija's fault that Lilabet has been thinking so intensely about family. |
| Where: High Reaches Weyr |
| When: Day 0, Month 8, Turn 33 (Interval 10) |
| Mentions: Anvori/Mentions, B'tal/Mentions, Dilan/Mentions, Delvana/Mentions, H'kon/Mentions, Leova/Mentions, Raija/Mentions, Varian/Mentions, Veylin/Mentions, Via/Mentions |
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| Lilabet (not Lily, thank you very much) doesn't really remember her father, now. She was only little when he died, of course, and it's only to be expected. She knows him through her mother, and through her father's family: most of them are at High Reaches, and so she's always been included in things. She knows a lot about B'tal's family, and about B'tal himself. Some of it, she's been told explicitly; some of it, she's worked out for herself, piecing together what people say... and what they don't say. She likes being one of them; she likes belonging. It's one thing she's always had over Dee, at least until now, and that's... difficult. He has siblings, and a father who is real and solid and there, and he's a Lord, and even if Dee isn't, and is never going to be, it's... She's jealous sometimes. She's jealous of Delvana, too. Sometimes. At least Vana remembers her mother, and she has uncles and aunts and cousins on both sides of the family. Lilabet has B'tal's family, yes, and she has Madilla, but Madilla is so silent on her own family. I have another grandmother out there, Lilabet says to herself, and marvels at the thought. There's somewhere else I belong, too. But where? She knows that her mother is from a hold in the Fort region, and she knows that they sent Madilla to be trained at the Healer Hall and that she was supposed to go back again, but didn't. She knows that the oatmeal-coloured wool shawl Madilla keeps in her press, wrapped up for protection, belonged to the woman who is Lilabet's grandmother. But that's like knowing nothing at all. It's a gratifying thing, being asked to watch Auntie Leova's children of an evening: it's a sign that she really is grown up and responsible. She likes the twins, who are pretty adorable now that they're not just squirming, screaming babies, but real little people. She likes Via, too, and likes to feel like a big sister, older and wiser, in comparison. Of course, they're sleeping when Lilabet watches them, but she's there just in case they wake up. She likes exploring, and imagining what her weyr will be like, one day, when she's a Greenrider (unless she's a Harper, of course). One night, Via wakes up. Lilabet fetches her a glass of water and then sits by her, promising faithfully to stay until Via falls asleep again. Via tells her all about 'Vee', her invisible friend, and Lilabet tucks her in, too. She tells them both a story about the adventures of Via and Vee, and how they see far-off places and meet interesting people, and learn all about themselves and the people who live in the stars, who are really family. She's quite pleased with the story, though she's pretty sure Via fell asleep long before it ended. It stays with her, though, as she sits there in the dim light and imagines what it would be like to... to... It's then that she realises what she really wants, in exchange for watching the kids. It frustrates and irritates Lilabet that Auntie Leova won't say yes without talking to Madilla first, which basically misses the entire point. She tries not to show it, but suspects it's obvious, anyway: she's sulking, and as everyone knows, no one likes a sulker. But it's still not fair. In her head, she was going to visit, and they'd fall over in delight. She'd tell them about Dee and about H'kon and about mama and all the things she's done. And then they'd want to come with her and see, because... because... well! Just because Madilla has decided not to see them, doesn't mean that they have decided not to see her. She imagines coming back to the Weyr with them, and finding mama, and... It would be a good thing, wouldn't it? Such a good thing. But it's not a surprise, if mama knows already. And what if mama says no? Mama, who seems so intent upon making family for other people's children, but what about her own? It's one more piece of the mess, really, in the end. One more broken piece. 'Broken' may be the wrong word. Madilla's not sure, though, what the right word might be. She suspects it may be more that, once upon a time, families were those nice, easy, square jigsaw puzzles: predictable. And now, they're just not. Or hers aren't, anyway. Hers has no tidy corner pieces - or, at least, not enough of them. Branches sprout out in this direction and that, and they're not tidy: they're still growing. And there are missing pieces. She's tried for so long to pretend that there's nothing wrong with Lilabet and Dee having missing pieces, that it doesn't matter because they still have her, but... she's always known, deep down, that these things always matter. Still, there's something staggering about having it brought home so plainly - and for it to happen now, when there's confusion about so much else. It bothers her, that she and H'kon have had so much difficulty communicating clearly over this. Over family. Until now, she's always felt like they were... well, that she understood him, probably in a way that most people didn't. And now, abruptly, she's conscious that that's not always the case. And now that she knows that, that she thinks she knows and understands more of what's going on in his head over this, she's still not sure where it leaves them. She's always wanted another baby. Hasn't she imagined it a hundred times? A little dark haired baby with green eyes, a tiny little furrowing brow: a baby born into a real family from the start. A serious baby, like Lilabet was. A baby that would nonetheless make H'kon smile. It bothers her that Lilabet would go behind her back to try and find the rest of her family. It bothers her that all she's ever wanted is family, and it still feels like she's not good enough at holding it together. Is it fair, bringing Raija into this? Raija, who won't ever knowingly have as much blood family in her life as Lilabet and Dilan. Is it fair for Raija not to even have that much? It's not a choice, of course: that decision has already been made. Madilla's not really sure how the pieces fit together, now, and whether they'll ever match up the way she wants them to, but it's still going to happen. And the baby... she's only thirty (one). There's time. One day, maybe, there will be that dark-haired, green-eyed baby. And in the meantime, there's Lilabet and Dilan. There's H'kon. There's Raija. And Madilla's just got to figure out how the pieces align. And which gaps to try and fill. "It's your decision," Madilla says to Lilabet, quietly, walking hand-in-hand with her daughter around the edge of the lake. "They don't know about you and Dilan, but that doesn't mean they'll refuse you entrance. We haven't talked in a long time, but it's not because we didn't - don't - love each other. But you know my reasons, now, and you're old enough to decide for yourself." It's hurt, laying it all out there. She can't tell if Lilabet is condemning her for her weakness in walking away, or if she understands, or if she really is too young after all. "You don't have to tell me. You don't have to decide, now. If you want to go, and Auntie Leova is willing to take you, you have my permission. It's up to you, Lily." Lilabet finds herself hesitating. She's come this far, and now all she can think about is what she told H'kon, that day by the lake:
It isn't. Her family has a H'kon. It has an Uncle Devaki, and an Auntie Leova, and all that go with them, and now it has a Raija, too. The rest can wait. |
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