Logs:Heart and Mind
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| RL Date: 30 May, 2015 |
| Who: Hattie, N'muir, Elaruth, Bijedth |
| Involves: Fort Weyr |
| Type: Log |
| What: Hattie shares her news with N'muir. |
| Where: Weyrleaders' Weyr, Fort Weyr |
| When: Day 4, Month 11, Turn 37 (Interval 10) |
| Mentions: Lilah/Mentions, Shevena/Mentions, Nehmet/Mentions, Nimarie/Mentions |
| OOC Notes: Backdated. |
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| Between time spent in the hatching cavern and visits made to most of the main working areas in the caverns to try and ensure (or simply be reassured) that things are running smoothly, it's been a long day of divided focus and dashing from one end of the Weyr to another to obtain peace of mind. For a little while, not so long ago, the Weyrwoman seemed to vanish entirely from the grid, until she popped back up the galleries, and now, with darkness blanketing the Weyr, at home. The fires in the hearths burn high, the glow lighting enough to guide the way without being too harsh, silence dominant. The end of the day has brought Hattie to the edge of the bed, where she sits staring down at the floor, the wash of light from the hearth across the way enough to highlight the traces of tears on her cheeks to a dull glimmer. Bijedth wings down to the ledge only long enough to let his rider dismount, and though he climbs down rather than jumps like a younger (and more foolish) man, N'muir still has to walk off the bite of a bad knee. Bijedth is airborne and off to join his beloved mate before N'muir has worked the tenderness out of his leg and headed indoors, undoing his jacket and tearing off his flight gear. "'You home?" N'muir calls out ahead of himself, throwing his flight gear on a table there, and a little further on. Whether Elaruth catches Bijedth's presence and passes that information on to Hattie, or N'muir's voice is the first hint that she gets of no longer being alone, the goldrider tenses and sits up a little straighter, making the line of her shoulders a bit neater than the bowed curve that it was, and though she tries to clear her throat, her, "Yes," comes out hoarse. She tries again, adding an unnecessary, "I am," onto the end of that single word confirmation, but it's just another opportunity for her voice to wobble. Her glance towards the open door that separates one chamber from the next is expectant, though she paws at her eyes at the same time. The wobble must go unnoticed in her voice for N'muir wanders his way to their bedroom with the kind of lackadaisical swagger of contentment; of being unplagued by concern. "Well, while you're here, I should tell you that Nimarie seems to think--" His eyes catch sight of her face and words are immediately caught in his throat, and almost at once the spike of concern spreads to his lifemate, Bijedth's worry gently probing Elaruth for the source of Hattie's distress. N'muir moves closer to Hattie though he pauses beyond reach. "What is it?" Regardless, Hattie brightens a little at mention of their daughter, a sharper focus and interest there that was absent a moment ago, and dulls just as swiftly when she finds herself faced with that enquiry. Elaruth gets there first, her own concern too great for her to conceal and hide away what her rider might term as weakness, and the medicinal tang that edges the air in the infirmary permeates the mists of her mind as she ghosts, « I will look after her. We will look after her? » against the mind of her mate. There's no pretending anything now, and so Hattie takes a deep breath and gestures vaguely with one hand when she murmurs, "The healers are of the understanding that, though my ability to reproduce is on the way out, your ability," and she does point below N'muir's waist, as though to emphasise further, "is more than enough to compensate for that." Her hands drop limply back to her lap, as she tips her head back to stare up at him. Need she say more? N'muir stands stunned into silence, frozen in place but for the subtle knit of salt-and-pepper brows as confusion blends with shock. It's Bijedth who first answers, giving of affection to his mate and heart-felt promises. « We will. This is a happy thing. Why does it not seem as though it is a happy thing for her? » N'muir takes a deep breath and as he slowly exhales, he emits a light chuckle and lifts a hand to comb through his hair. He takes a slow step towards her as the weight of her news is beginning to sink in, and he moves to sit next to her on the bed, a comforting arm settling against her back. "Hattie..." Just her name is uttered but there's a depth to his tone that turns her name into unasked questions that he doesn't dare say out loud, concerns and fears on the edge of being aired, and yet there is the softness of happiness beneath it all as he watches her. Hattie twists a little, turning to curl in at N'muir's side like she would try to burrow away from the world, but she settles for turning her face in against his shoulder to conceal her expression while she tries to get her thoughts in order. "...It's not that I don't want it," she murmurs first. "Of course I want it." She lapses back into silence, yet the tears are kept at bay, and Elaruth interjects what she cannot find the will to say. « The healers were... very blunt, » she shares with Bijedth, words tainted by a brackish lick of distaste for their practicality or manner. Hattie continues to let her queen prompt her and, with that starting point, she murmurs, "...My best chance of keeping it-- They say I'll have to all but abandon my duties." Her word choice says much of her feelings about that. "And I just want-- I want Elaruth and you and Bijedth and our children, and I don't want to have to choose between my life and my work." A gulp of air precedes, "And I don't want to burden you when you're already worrying about..." Things. "Burden me?" N'muir gives a short chuckle. "Your worries aren't a burden. Your worries matter to me." The arm at Hattie's back slides around her to pull her close to him, a tender and loving kiss given to her brow. With her face hidden mostly from view, his own worry is worn more openly in his expression, the arm around her instinctively tightening as his thoughts tug down on the corner of his lips. "I understand their concern; I won't lie and say I won't worry about you through another pregnancy if you choose to keep it. We have two beautiful children. I'm happy with our lives as they are. I will not be the least upset with you if you decide not to go through this again but I would be just as happy to have another child to love." He falls silent for a moment, his dark voice quietly murmuring a final thought. "Whatever you decide, be certain it's for your reasons." Hattie's feet lift from the floor and she tucks them all but beneath her as she flees into his tighter embrace, her arms seeking to slide around him and catch at fabric to just hold on however she can. She's quiet for a long moment, until she admits, "...I'm not sure I know how to make decisions with only my reasons in mind anymore," little louder than a whisper. "I want to keep it," tumbles out before she can apply other logic. "I want to try. I know all the will in the world might not..." Let that happen. "...But it feels like such a selfish thing to do. There are things I need to see done. There're people I need to be... capable for. I can't just... set it all side. Not now." Not yet? Leaning back a little, she tips her chin up to so that she can look up at N'muir. "I'll talk to the healers more." She tries a smile, small as it is. "We do make beautiful babies." N'muir quietly holds her, gathering as much of her as he can into the circle of his arms. He tries to smile away the worry from his eyes as she lifts her chin. "We do." He leans in to give her a loving kiss and watches her for a moment. "You sound as though you have already made up your mind and are feeling guilty for it," he remarks in a dark, tender murmur. "You can see to the things that you want to see done when our baby is born and you are both healthy and well." His brow gives a subtle raise. "Who do you need to be capable for?" "...I suppose I do feel guilty." Hattie considers that after she's returned his kiss in kind, now searching his expression for the answers she asks of herself, until she can't resist comfort any longer and folds herself back against N'muir. "If I were a better Weyrwoman, I'd weigh the odds and acknowledge they're not favourable, and that would be that. I'd be able to deal with it and get on with my job. I wouldn't feel happy or be selfish, or want the baby more than--" But she can't finish that, if only because the tears return and need to be fought back. Who does she need to be capable for? "Everyone. Me. You. If Eliayaveith clutches, Lilah should be with her whenever she can. Who else but me should do the work? Trouble shouldn't fall on others because I decided to be selfish." Silence then, and whether lulled by the security of the circle of his arms, or too emotionally exhausted to manage anything else, she confesses, "...I'm tired," in a murmur. "And I'm not going Between." The expression that meets her searching look is steady and supportive. "Hattie, if your heart has already decided on this, don't let your mind beat yourself up over it. If Eliyaveith clutches," a doubtful vote given, "you and Lilah will figure it out with Shevena. And it is still early," or so he assumes. "You don't have to make an announcement right away." His arms around her tighten and he presses a kiss to her hair, smiling softly at her last remark. "Come then. Have a rest." His arms unwind only to move around the bed, boots, shirt and belt removed before he seeks to lay down and wait for her with a blanket ready to be strewn over them. Hattie must try to take his words to heart, since she offers no argument but a slightly forlorn look that she smoothes away along with her fresh tears when she lifts one hand to paw at her eyes, the same hand planted down on the bed's surface to steady herself when he gets to his feet and rounds the bed. She watches him, unmoving, until she slips from the bed to loosen some of the ties of her dress and pull slim pins from her hair. Carefully, she sets the pins down on the nearest bedside table, then she crawls her way across the bed to curl in at his side, pressing close, the arm across his chest hugging him to her, or her to him. There are too many things that she could say, when silence falls again, yet the sum of them is condensed down to her softly spoken, "I love you." And perhaps it's in the very next breath that she's asleep. |
Comments
Kaleidoscope (09:26, 31 May 2015 (EDT)) said...
Aw, N'muir - burden/worries/wanting to know them, awww. I love seeing Hattie not pretending here and the feelz that talking with N'muir brings out. I enjoyed the recognition of decision already made/feeling guilty and the processing thereafter. And the dragons, the way they wove in and added. <3
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