Logs:Resentment

Resentment
She still had a duty.
RL Date: 18 May, 2015
Who: Hattie, Elaruth
Involves: Fort Weyr
Type: Vignette
What: Hattie processes the news from the Healers.
Where: Infirmary, Fort Weyr/Hatching Sands, Fort Weyr
When: Day 4, Month 11, Turn 37 (Interval 10)

Mentions: N'muir/Mentions




Once it had been confirmed, she sat blankly and listened to their warnings and advice - all their you must rests and light work onlys - hoping that she was nodding in all the right places while she bowed beneath the weight of the restrictions that she would have to choose to impose, if she... Was there an if? They warned her about her age and her previous diagnosis (one that they believed still stood), and went on about chance and dangers and signs to watch out for. Percentages were not in her favour, so it sounded, but she could barely process the data that she would usually have clung to, so stunned was she to be on the receiving end of such a lecture. As she lifted a hand to scrub over her face, she caught the pale gold of her knot at the periphery of her vision. And resented it. She resented that she was being presented with a choice. She resented that she had missed so much of her children's lives because of it. She resented that she loved it too much. She resented that any choice she made would impact more than herself. She resented that it made her experience the tug of guilt. And most of all, she resented that it made her think that any joy - the soaring, overwhelming joy - that she felt was unreasonable and irrational and not to be given time. She hadn't planned on or wanted another child. It was just a prospect that she had ceased to entertain. It was as simple as that. She had known, after Nehmet. No more. And it hadn't felt like a loss, or something to grieve for. ...Then to be told that her body had decided a decade or more too soon that enough was enough... Then it had felt like a loss. Something stolen, even though she hadn't wanted it. She had felt like less... of everything. Even more ridiculous for the fact that it was... ridiculous. It frightened her, the more N'muir spoke about his age. When the infirmary brought up her age. Maybe neither of them were of an ideal time in their lives to start again with a newborn, but... it couldn't stop her wanting to keep it. Elaruth and her family. They could be all she-- --She still had a duty. "Weyrwoman? Do you understand? This won't be easy. Your current schedule will be impossible to--" "Yes," Hattie murmured, as she slipped down from the cot, "I understand." She didn't remember crossing the bowl, but somehow she was on the Sands, and Elaruth was extending a wing over her, to shield her from the view of the galleries. « Hattie? Don't cry. I love you. We love you. » There was nothing to be done. She pressed her face into pale gold hide and burst into tears.

Comments

Cass (16:05, 18 May 2015 (EDT)) said...

Ohgosh. Poor Hattie. The struggle you present is so real and powerful and unnerving. And now I almost feel responsible. XD

Faryn (18:36, 18 May 2015 (EDT)) said...

I'm not crying, it's raining on my face. ;____;

Kaleidoscope (11:36, 19 May 2015 (EDT)) said...

This thread has gotten me in the mommy feelz again and again, but this in particular. Such choices she's presented with. I look forward to seeing what she chooses and how and what the ripple out effect is. Poor Hattie, indeed!

Edyis (13:46, 19 May 2015 (EDT)) said...

This was amazing to read, but so sad. I can't wait to see the way things pan out for her.