Difference between revisions of "Logs:Refocus"

This is not what you're here for.

Sudden and unbidden, the thought surfaced from the depths of her mind - as dark and fluid as the bottom of Iesaryth's ocean. She was paging through old, old records somewhere in the back of the room - ones that might concern people, if they bothered to pay attention. There was too much to worry about or avoid worrying about to notice, if she were careful and quiet enough. She felt like she was the only person who felt the constant tensions still, who waited for the other shoe to drop - but then, she was only one of two people and two dragons who knew there was a shoe to drop in the first place. She wondered how Iolene was doing with all of it - she seemed very much the same as always, but it was easy enough to fake it, if you had to.

This is not what you're here for.

Again. And Aishani couldn't deny it. She was here for revenge. She was here to take from those that took from her. An eye for an eye might leave everyone blind, but debts had to be settled. Why was she distracting herself with plans that had little to do with that vengeance, little beyond avoiding the person responsible for her losses?

Why force it? Why should she, especially now?

When she'd heard about Vhaeryth catching - in a note, no less (coward, she'd thought) - she'd been so angry. That was somehow better, though - to be angry with him for something that was his fault and his decision, instead of upset over things she wasn't able to blame him for. And she'd thought of a hundred ways to hurt him, to try to make him feel the way she did. But that passed. Maybe he knew her well enough to give her a reason to be angry and let all of it pass. Though she still might call it cowardice, it was smart.

It had been easier to let go then she'd thought it would be; she supposed that she'd wanted to let it all go. When Iesaryth stopped her moping, it helped. However, while she could forgive (forgive things that weren't his fault, magnanimous), she wasn't very good at forgetting. She was good at tallying up rights and wrongs, considering how she might even scores. That was no way to handle this, even she knew that. But still. Still.

It still surfaced at odd moments, more anticipation than lingering doubts. Who next. Sometimes it didn't bother her. Sometimes she didn't think she could stand it.

She would, though.

Anything.

Even so, she put away the scrolls and would not go back. For a day or so. Time enough to refocus.

When they'd finally returned to High Reaches and their weyr on the first day of the new Turn, Shani felt brief regret for missing Serah entirely, but at the same time, she didn't really look forward to hunting her cousin down in a dress from the night before. It might be a good thing, she reasoned. No one would wonder why she'd sought out the other girl right then. But she still felt badly. A little badly about Azaylia too, though neither she nor Hraedhyth were ever far from others, friends, dragons.

But not so badly that she couldn't go for a few more hours sleep, after putting the little wooden box in her glass cabinet, the hat with the fake hair away, but she'd be sure to try it on later. When there was no one to laugh.

She liked how easily he made her laugh, even when he was laughing at her.

She wrote a note a few days later. It took time, but eventually she managed two short lines; the last:

I want to be who I am with you, always.

Did that mean she was becoming tired of hiding? Even she wasn't sure.

But it was the truth.