Difference between revisions of "Logs:The Ends Justify The Means"

The morning of day 28, month 4, turn 29, upon returning to the barracks, you'll find all your personal effects /gone/. Oh no. But there's an assistant headwoman, Maretta (+npc/full maretta) waiting to take you to your respective new quarters. You'll be given a list of supplies that are available for requisitioning from the storerooms as well as an advance in stipend. There's also a letter waiting in each weyr from Iolene that apologizes for the lapse in assigning weyrs and explaining what the stipend should be used for (decorations and attiring themselves as weyrwomen should be attired). Maretta might also be a little smug while directing the goldriders about her reestablished rank as assistant headwoman and it's the first sign that some things are coming back in to order without any official announcement. There's still no Headwoman, much to Maretta's disgust, but at least she's back in her old position. Maretta will also explain how to have food delivered to the weyr by the drudges in the mornings or throughout the day with strong warnings about not abusing the system unless their goldrider training schedules necessitates utilizing it.

Aishani'd nearly lost it entirely when she walked into the barracks and found her things gone; she didn't know what to think for the long few moments in which she managed to keep her footing and her color both, she hoped - the moments before she noticed Maretta there, waiting impatiently to be noticed. Her hand had sought the rough comfort of the wall for awhile before she was able to walk without shaking, able to be appropriately excited about her new weyr. It wasn't until the assistant headwoman left her alone there that she could rush to check her things to make sure that nothing was tampered with, collapse into an armchair, put her head in her hands, and try to calm down.

It had been perfectly reasonable to be surprised to see her belongings gone, but there'd been no reason to have a heart attack. She'd been on edge for days, not sure how she felt, or how to feel - control slipping, letting herself get angry enough to be noticeable, in one obvious example. She had known for a long time that emotion could betray her, could bring everything to ruin, waste nine turns of work and planning. She'd known, so she didn't know why she was allowing it all to surface so easily and make her slip up.

He'd never said he knew who she was. After he left, after she put herself in order and went back to the barracks reluctantly, after she stopped touching fingertips to her lips, replaying those last kisses in her mind - after that, the next day, in the morning's harsh light, she realized that he'd never said he'd known. She'd just been so confused and upset, so sick from having all her fears confirmed that she just... missed that entirely. Missed the words, not the meaning, when she was usually so careful about picking out the words. She'd talked to him about it that day - listening to what someone's saying, or not saying.

She'd given it up, just that easily. He'd probably guessed, likely been fairly sure - and she'd just... told him. Without thinking.

Maybe some part of her had wanted him to know, even though that was stupid stupid stupid and beyond unnecessary; every person that knew was one more person that could tell and one more person she had to trust. Maybe not with her life, maybe not now - but Iesaryth should have been enough. Why would it have mattered? How hard would it have been to deflect? There were so many things she could have said in that moment, after he'd said her name. If he hadn't spoken to Jyani. If she could have stopped herself from crying. If she didn't want him so much. If.

Iesaryth trusted him - or trusted Vhaeryth's trust in him for some reason. The gold had always liked N'rov; the one time she'd asked why, Iesaryth had said he made Shan laugh, which was reason enough, she supposed. Only her dragon would know how dark her thoughts could be.

She didn't want to trust anyone like this. It shook her, frightened her in a way she wasn't sure she could manage. It set a little worm of guilt in motion; that he knew and she couldn't tell Iolene, who'd confided so much in her, couldn't tell Azaylia, who called her best friend and didn't even know her real name.

It wasn't as if she'd ever expected any of this to be easy. She'd expected a lot of things: she'd expected she might end up like her family; even like her father. She'd expected to have to think fast, make her whole life a lie. She'd never expected to give a shit about anyone, or even to feel conflicted about people who she had every reason to condemn. It made her feel like a horrible person in her worse moods, and sometimes she felt completely unable to do what was necessary, best for her plans because it might hurt for someone she cared for. She couldn't afford that, otherwise, what was it all for?

What was losing her family for?

She had to believe her father would understand. She had to believe the end justified the means.

She had to believe he would keep quiet.

She had believe these things - it was the only way to keep going forward.

Once she swallowed the metallic taste from her mouth, she'd start by getting some bedding.