Logs:I'm Not Crazy
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| RL Date: 24 February, 2013 |
| Who: K'del, Vienne |
| Type: [[Concept:{{{type}}}|{{{type}}}]] |
| What: K'del angsts all over Vienne. |
| Where: Galleries, High Reaches Weyr |
| When: Day 28, Month 1, Turn 31 (Interval 10) |
| Mentions: Azaylia/Mentions, Brieli/Mentions, Taikrin/Mentions |
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| Hatching Galleries, High Reaches Weyr Ringing the southwestern side of the hatching sands are ample tiers of carved stone benches, the lowest of which is some six feet off the ground -- just high enough to separate wayward hatchlings from unwary viewers, and vice versa. A metal railing on the outside helps prevent anyone from falling off; it also extends up the stairs that lead the way higher into the galleries. While most of the area is open seating, ropes section off some of the closer tiers when dignitaries are expected; those areas even feature cushions in the Weyr's blue and black. The higher one climbs, the more apparent the immense scale of the entire cavern becomes. The dragon-sized entrance on the ground is dwarfed by the expansive golden sands that glitter in the light. Everything on them is easily visible from the galleries, whether that's a clutch of eggs and a broody queen, or simply its emptiness and the handful of darker tunnels that lead to more private areas than the bowl. Wherever one sits or looks, however, one thing is constant: the overwhelming, suffocating heat. Vienne isn't generally the sort to hide way during lunch -- too likely to enjoy the people watching, the activity, the warmth, the proximity to all the food -- but today, as most of the Weyr is off gathering their meals, she's staked out a little corner at the back of the galleries, sitting with a bowl of soup and a mug of klah at her side. Both are still steaming, so she's probably only just settled in, which might explain why she's more interested in getting the spoon into her mouth than gazing at the eggs or something. She's hardly alone in the cavern, as there's always a few people with the same ideas about a secluded meal, but everyone is appropriately spaced for the illusion of solitude. Given the way K'del scans the crowds, as he enters, and even deliberately glances down towards the sands, it's more likely that he's looking for someone than here to see the eggs, per se. Whoever it is he's after does not, however, seem to be in residence; after a few minutes of searching, he seems about to head for the exit, expression set into a hard line-- but then he catches sight of Vienne out of the corner of his eye, and pauses, glancing in her direction. A new arrival is enough to make Vienne glance up from her soup, and, not expecting K'del to notice her, she watches him, the moments he spends scanning the occupants, looking for whomever it is that he wants to find. As such, when he glances her way, there's eye contact to be made. She might mean to smile, but given all the recent announcements, the press of her lips is a little too tight. K'del's immediate reaction on seeing Vienne's expression is to turn his gaze away, rather as though he simply doesn't want to engage if that's how this is going to be. Certainly, he doesn't look to be in a terribly good mood - and who can blame him? A moment later, however, his shoulders square, and he begins climbing the steps towards her. His, "Eggs doing anything fascinating this afternoon?" intends to be conversational, but comes out rather flat. There's little expectation in Vienne's eyes, so when the bronzerider looks ready to turn away, she lets her attention fall back to her soup, another spoonful, another swallow, one that she hurries to complete when she realizes that instead of leaving, K'del is coming her way. She lifts a knuckle to rub her lips, even though she's hardly a messy eater, and quirks a wan bit of a smile. "I saw one of them being round. It was amazing," is her dry quip for his dull delivery. "Do you want to sit?" She sound dubious, but also looks ready to set her meal aside. K'del attempts - with only marginal success - to smile at her quip, though he doesn't have the wherewithall to actually respond to it verbally. One hand rests upon the railing that runs down the aisle towards the sand, while the other runs ruefully through his hair. "No, no, it's fine. I-- just wanted to say hi. You seem..." He's obviously struggling for the right descriptor, and instead, studies her expression, as though he can work it out from that alone. He can study it, but Vienne's expression is uncertain, reluctant to press him to stay, though for his sake instead of her own. She watches the rub of his hand through his hair, the struggle he seems to be dealing with. It might all result in a vaguely awkward beat of silence. "I wouldn't mind the company," she mentions with a noncomittal shrug of one slim shoulder, just in case he's likewise reluctant to invade her quiet mealtime. "Oh," he says. It's amazing how the events of recent days have changed him, and have changed the ease with which he interacts; he's closed himself off, somehow. And yet-- a moment later, he slides onto the bench not far from her, pressing his hands to his thighs, and staring out over the lower tiers of the galleries, and the sands beyond. "Was hoping Azaylia was around. Intended to see how--" Well. Does he need to finish that sentence? "But she's not here." Perhaps it isn't so amazing to Vienne. She seems not to be surprised to find the formerly open and loquacious man now uncomfortable and reticent. She sets her soup aside, without any apparent concern over whether it will get cold for this delay, and slides her hands between the press of her knees. "I haven't seen her," she says with a sorry twist at her mouth, a faint shake of her head. Her glance skims out across the room as if the goldrider might have somehow escaped their notice, and when her eyes come back to K'del, they take in his posture, the shape of his shoulder, rather than his face. "Should I ask?" she wonders, catching her lip between her teeth. Gently, "Do you need to?" K'del turns to glance at her again, now, letting the emotions flood across his face: he's a mess, that much is clear, different emotions - none of them positive ones - warring for supremacy. It looks as though he hasn't been sleeping. "Let's just say that I've had better sevens. Better Turns." There's no shortage of sympathy in Vienne's quiet expression, but however all those emotions on K'del's face might move a person to look away and allow him some privacy, she meets his eye. "I'm sorry," she tells him softly, honestly. "I tried." And whether it's because she should know better than to think there was anything she could do, or whether it's just that the way things have turned out has baffled her, the little bluerider shakes her head and lets her glance fall back to her tight knees. There's a long moment of hesitation from K'del, a moment in which he draws in a deep breath, meeting Vienne's gaze squarely until she glances away. "Yeah," he says. "I know." Did he? Does he? It probably doesn't even matter: the words are enough. "Going to keep fighting," he says. "Helping. It's not like everyone's just... accepting this, whatever Brieli says. A person can't just declare themself--" He breaks off, abruptly, suddenly staring intensely into the distance. "I thought..." Vienne exhales, but instead of finishing, she shakes her head again, shoulders catching up in the motion to twist uncomfortably. But he continues on, makes his promises, and she turns to look at him again, her posture settling into something easier even as K'del's attention is so sharply pulled away. She lets him spend a moment in the distance, though one hand sneaks from between her knees to lay on the bench between them and his trouble etches concern into her brow. "Talk to me?" K'del's hesitation is very nearly tangible, his eyes briefly sliding towards Vienne, past her hand, and then returning off to the remote distance. He's not looking at anything in particular. "There's things... there's something I could spread around that would hurt Brieli. Destabilise this... thing she's trying to do. But it would hurt more than just her. Hurt the Weyr. Whatever I feel, I can't do that. Can't do a lot of things, seems like. Too many morals. Does that work against me? That I'm not ruthless like that? It's hard to know if I'm making the right decisions, sometimes. Greater good? How do you even tell?" She can't seem to help the hand; it wants to comfort and can't, so she tucks it under the outside of her thigh where maybe it will manage to stay. But whatever her hand is doing, Vienne's focus is on the bronzerider and the way hesitation breaks into statements that in turn dissipate into questions. "I don't know what's right for anyone," she answers, somehow imbuing it with a sense that a person's morals are their own. "I don't think that ruthlessness always wins out, though. And I don't... I don't know what your goal is." She has questions, too, brimming behind the careful press of her lips. "I want what's best for m-- the Weyr," says K'del, as though that statement is really a concrete answer to Vienne's last remark. "I don't think Taikrin and Brieli," he seems to struggle to actually say either name without spitting, "are that. Especially not like this. But," he turns his head, giving Vienne a sad little smile. "I'm not either of them. Not underhanded. Not ruthless. Not going to slash and burn just to win. Because... whatever happens, High Reaches has to keep on going. High Reaches comes before my desires, and it damn well better come before theirs." "I think every wants that, one way or another. I know that's hard to hear, that you don't believe it." And Vienne is not particularly pleased to be sharing this sentiment in present company, but she tries anyway. "I'm not saying that anyone's way is the right way, just that I think each person has their own idea of what is right, what is best. What's best for the Weyr as they see it." Her brow twists again, a quick, confused expression. "I really thought she might talk to you." But that's her own failed expectation, a murmured uncertainty for herself. For K'del, she has to ask, "What do you think is best?" K'del's slow exhale stutters slightly at that mention - 'talk to you', she says - but recovers. He swallows. "It's not that I don't think they don't want that," he says. "It's that I don't trust them not to have other agendas. Wanting what's best doesn't mean, too, that you're capable of delivering, or seeing. Not saying I'm perfect, or even that I'm the best choice, necessarily. But I don't think this is. Not like this. Not... backroom deals, alliances, cutting people out. I won't be a part of that." He's not looking at her again: he's staring, straight ahead, very deliberately. "She did ask me. So maybe this is my fault. But I can't. Not underhandedly. Not like that." "I don't know what anyone is capable of delivering, even with the best intentions," Vienne agrees. "I'm sure there have been terrible leaders in easy times, who had no trouble at all, and great leaders, who faced disasters they couldn't avoid or solve. There are no gaurantees. But the Weyr has survived." There's nothing flippant in it. If they're diplomatic words, it doesn't seem that her apparent neutrality is affected, but rather a comfortable distance from the whole thing, as though, even now, the questions are philosophical ones rather than events that are actually happening. At least until, staring ahead rather than meeting her gaze, K'del confirms that certain conversations did take place. Then she blinks at him, needing a second to understand what he's said. "She asked you." Not just spoke with him, but asked him. "To be her Weyrleader? Why did you turn it down? What... was underhanded?" If he wants to think it's all his fault, that's up to him. There's no judgment from Vienne, just that persistent sense that surely she must be missing something. Now he looks at her, and he seems as bewildered as she is. "What isn't underhanded about coming to someone and offering to make them Weyrleader, when you're not the only possible Weyrwoman, and the other Weyrwoman isn't being consulted? She doesn't get to just make herself Weyrwoman. No," his voice lowers, slightly, "maybe Azaylia's not ready, yet, but at least she has a heart." He sounds frustrated, but not, at least, irritated. "If they'd come to me together and said 'help us fix this', I'd've said yes in an instant. But Brieli just wanted to waltz in and take it, and use me to legitimise herself - and I won't do that." He stops, abruptly, burying his face in his hands. "I don't trust her motivations for offering it to me, Vienne. She's-- there's more to her than what's on the surface, what most people see." It's clear, from the look on her face, that no matter what she might have known about the offer, there was certainly a lot about the situation she wasn't privy to and now Vienne's mouth opens like she might have something to say. Scratch that, like she might have plenty to say. There's that deep breath that wants to start a whole slew of things, only she thinks better of them and closes her mouth again to puzzle through his words for a moment longer. "You suggested that, talking with Azaylia, and she said no?" Only then K'del has his face in his hands and it turns out not to help at all that she tucked her own hand beneath her leg, because with a swift movement she's shifted down the bench to sit beside him, her hand on his knee like she means to anchor him against the tide of whatever is going on behind his fingers. He seems to need it, something, and it's really all the small bluerider has to offer. "I don't understand. I don't doubt you," so at least she would appear open to the notion that there's something hidden about the self-proclaimed Weyrwoman. "I just don't..." Except maybe she does know. He mentioned there were things he could tell people. Things she presumably has not heard. "She basically said that anything she did would hurt Azaylia, so, to that end, it didn't matter. She was sucking it up, and I should too." K'del's words are muffled behind his hands, but even that muffling can't hide how bitter his words are. He pauses, then, sucking in a long, great breath, peering down at her hand through fingers that are drifting slightly further apart. One breath. Two breaths. A third. "You don't see it. No. Of course you don't. I end up looking paranoid and crazy, because..." finally, he draws his hands away, one of them reaching to squeeze Vienne's, gratefully, "Because no one else does." His voice is flat. Between her silence and the fact that K'del isn't looking, it's impossible to tell what Vienne's reaction to that bitter explanation might be. And in the end, "It wasn't an alliance either of you were comfortable with." It could sound more 'it's all for the best' than it does, but at least it doesn't actually drift too far into 'oh well' territory. Plus, eventually, K'del has gotten a handle on breathing and when he puts his hand on hers, she tucks her fingers around his to squeeze back. "I don't think you're paranoid or crazy," she tells him seriously. "Otherwise I wouldn't have..." Done whatever she did to fascilitate that ill-fated offer. "What is it? What is it I'm not seeing?" She watches their hands, though, rather than his face, just to let him answer without her eyes on him. "No," agrees K'del. "It wasn't. Didn't think she'd go to--" Taikrin, presumably, but he doesn't finish that thought. Vienne's asking that question, instead, and he, too, keeps his gaze lowered towards their hands - a safer mark than her face, or perhaps even the sands where, who knows, he might even see one of the hated two. "H'kon summed it up well. Brieli seems to think the Weyr owes her something. That's a bad start. But for me... she deliberately told me something to hurt me. Something that... went out of her way to do so, just to hurt me. It's personal, for her. Don't know why, but there's hate there. There's something she's not telling, something that influences the way she deals with the Weyr, and I don't know what it is - but it frightens me." It's probably lucky for both of them that there isn't really time for her to remark on what K'del was thinking. "I don't know her well," is all Vienne can say for Brieli's starting point, probably evidence that she hasn't encountered this sense of entitlement personally. She begs forgiveness for that lack with the brief press of her fingers. And as for why the goldrider might hate him, "I don't know either." Around then, she chances a glance at his face, trying not to be intrusive. "But you aren't alone, K'del. Whatever she said, whatever you're afraid of, you aren't alone." She takes a deep breath, still puzzling through all the things he's said, all the things she herself has seen. "So that's why you want to hurt her, because she hurt you." There's a little twitch at her mouth, the tug of a frown. "That's understandable." Maybe not laudible, but understandable. K'del's surprise is abrupt, and immediately obvious. "Don't want to hurt her," he says, looking-- horrified? "I don't. It's not that I think she can't do good things for the Weyr, or that she's incapable, or anything like that. It's not that I want her gone. It's just that I can't trust her." Any relief he had at the rest of what Vienne said is gone, now. He frees his hand from hers, but mostly, it seems so that he can run both of them through his curls, staring out into the distance as he works this all through in his head. "I'm not like that. I'm not her." Well, she didn't want him to be horrified! Vienne stares back at him with round, worried eyes, her hand curling limply around the empty space where his was. "I'm not saying that. It's just... you said something about... her and not wanting to hurt the Weyr and..." But she must have misunderstood that comment and now she can't recall it verbatim. Her chin ducks low and her lips disappear behind the press of her teeth. But nevermind that. The point is, as she flattens her hand on his knee, a press to shake him out of his latest grip of emotion. "I'm not saying you're the kind of person who hurts people." She withdraws her hand then, shaking her head as she looks away from whatever this mess is. And there it is: a blush, and sudden, obvious, understanding. "Oh," he says, as much an exhale as it is an actual answer. "That." His voice has gone dull again, and very tired. "No, of course. You're right. Part of me wants to, of course, but... it's not going to happen. Sorry, Vienne. I--" He attempts a smile, though it's a half-hearted effort at best, even if he does manage to look at her squarely for it. He's wound a little tight, clearly. "Maybe I should-- get some air. Clearly, I'm no good for talking to Azaylia like this. Need to clear my head." She looks back at him, a little more hesitant now, and this time for her own sake instead of his. "That's all I meant. You get to be human, K'del. You get to feel pain and anger. It doesn't make you a bad person." But she's looking at him now, and he's blushing and his words are coming out in uncertain chunks. Her shoulders slump with defeat to see him like this, wound so tight and miserable. "I didn't help at all," she sighs, looking down at her useless hands in her lap, flexing her fingers. "I just want to hug you and..." But she snorts at herself. "And make it better." And how dumb does that sound. She looks at him again, her smile weak for all the things she can't do. "Let someone help you." "Doesn't it?" K'del seems unsure, as though one experience after another has taught him that he doesn't get that privilege, not without being reviled for it. His shoulders slump, following hers down, but this time he reaches out to try and grab her hand, and squeeze it: his turn. "No," he says. "You did help. Some. Maybe I'm just not ready to be helped. I don't know how. But you listened, and you didn't judge, and once again, you gave me stuff to think about. I'm just-- kind of broken, still. Just a little unwell. I'm glad you're here." Beat. "And I never turn down a good hug." Vienne is unconvinced, by his assertion that feelings make him a bad man and by the claim that she's been of any use here. But she does smile, if rather shyly, when he takes her fingers again. She keeps her eyes down, on their hand, until, well, until he gives the greenlight, and then she twists to catch him suddenly in a tight hug from her skinny arms. It's not a half-hearted, hey-good-to-see-you hug. Her embrace is tight and honest, even if there isn't much meat to her, and it lingers long enough for her to murmur to him. "I haven't met anyone who isn't a little broken. Don't judge yourself too harshly for it." If there's any surprise from K'del in the timing and intensity of that hug, it's not obvious: he returns it wholeheartedly, squeezing his silent thanks as he breathes in. Maybe it will seem like he's breathing her in, as though that's part of the comfort he's taking (and he does seem to be taking comfort: when they withdraw, he seems at least slightly more at ease). "I'll try," he promises, rueful, but apparently honest. "Truly-- thank you, Vienne. Thank you." The hug seems to help her, perhaps more than him. With an exhale Vienne can release some of the tension from her shoulders, and as she withdraws, she lifts a hand to his cheek, light fingers laid there for only a moment as she smiles at him, warm, encouraging and maybe just a bit sly for that rueful promise he's made. "There's a good boy," she teases before she recedes back into herself and her hands are stowed safely between her knees again. "You know where to find me if you..." She trails off there and doesn't bother to finish. Nor does she wish him luck or tell him she hopes he feels better. Because she's not stupid. She just gives him a hopefully bolstering kind of smile. Maybe he can feel slightly more at ease for a few more seconds before it all comes crashing in on him again. It's probably a good sign that K'del can stick his tongue out in reply to her tease, and, when he puts it away again, smile genuinely, if tiredly, at the bluerider. "Yeah," he says. "I do. And I will. If I need you. Thanks, Vienne." He gives her a nod, then rises up from his seat, takes a deep breath, and begins the trek down towards the exit. |
Comments
Zian (Zian (talk)) left a comment on Mon, 25 Feb 2013 05:24:53 GMT.
< Okay Rob Thomas. ;D
Zian (Zian (talk)) left a comment on Mon, 25 Feb 2013 05:42:47 GMT.
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Okay, but seriously that was great.
Azaylia (Dragonshy (talk)) left a comment on Mon, 25 Feb 2013 05:43:19 GMT.
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Not only is the title perfect, but man... poor K'del. And poor Vienne! She just wants to help, but it's hard to do when you don't know all the pieces of the puzzle. <3 Great scene.
H'kon (H'kon (talk)) left a comment on Mon, 25 Feb 2013 16:14:12 GMT.
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How Vienne manages to put up with all these men and all their drama baffles me sometimes.
Barnabas (Barnabas (talk)) left a comment on Wed, 27 Feb 2013 23:41:33 GMT.
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Vienne needs a "psychiatric help 5 cents" booth at this point. The doctor is always in!
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