Logs:Listening
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| RL Date: 5 April, 2013 |
| Who: K'del, Vienne |
| Type: [[Concept:{{{type}}}|{{{type}}}]] |
| What: K'del and Vienne talk in circles. At least it's better than last time. |
| Where: Diving Cliff, High Reaches Weyr |
| When: Day 8, Month 6, Turn 31 (Interval 10) |
| Weather: Warm sunshine and cloudless skies make for a beautiful day and pleasantly warm evening. A breeze tempers the heat with no humidity lingering in the air. |
| Mentions: Aishani/Mentions, Lia/Mentions, Tiriana/Mentions, Z'ian/Mentions |
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| Diving Cliff, High Reaches Weyr Thrusting out from the shadow of the mountain, this long and narrow clifftop might once have been a ledge, but a pile of bramble-strewn, graffiti-chiseled boulders where a weyr's mouth would have been suggests a reason for its abandonment long ago. Though its views of the eastern bowl are grand, particularly the lake itself and the yawning air entrance to the hatching sands, its location makes the diving cliff unique: jutting some ten or twelve feet above the deepest part of the cool, clear lake. Especially in summertime, many climb up the narrow stairs to seek the thrill of a swift fall into the water, but those who just want to enjoy the view can take those same stairs back down: carved directly into the bowl wall, worn and crumbling and slick from use, but enough for the careful to get the job done. It's the end of another beautiful summer's day, the sun finally beginning to dip over the rim of the bowl, far above. Down at the lake, below, weyrfolk of all shapes and sizes are still enjoying the warmth; up here, it's surprisingly quiet-- but perhaps that has something to do with the fact that it's getting too late for children to be out playing. That leaves K'del to his own devices, the bronzerider sitting with his legs hung over the edge of the cliff, wearing only a pair of shorts and an unbuttoned shirt. His expression is contemplative, but not especially moody: it looks like he's watching a pair of teens presently creeping around the lake's edge, hand in hand, in search of a secluded spot. Here's the thing about summer in the Reaches -- it has very little in common with summer in the rest of the world. And so even though Vienne has made it all the way through her first winter here, and she managed to acclimate enough not to die of cold, and even though the coming of spring saw her optimistically changing into skirts and blouses, she's still wearing a cardigan when she comes inching up the steps to the diving ledge. She's traded her tall heeled boots for a lighter (if similarly heeled) shoe, but the truth is that, as the sun is sinking, she looks pretty chilled, clutching that sweater about her middle. She must have seen K'del sitting up here, since she doesn't look at all surprised to discover him now, and she must have spied that young couple, since she greets with, "Have they found a place to make out yet?" It's a light quip, paired with a wry, if somewhat shy, smile. K'del hasn't spoken to Vienne since their last, ill-fated conversation, but that doesn't stop him from glancing up as she approaches, showing no sign of surprise. Nor does it prevent his conversational reply: "Not yet. Pretty sure they're going to give up and just start snogging out in the open, sooner rather than later. Oh, young lust." It's only after he's spoken that he gives her a proper glance - proper enough to register the cardigan she's wearing, or how chilled she seems. His amusement at that shows in his expression, but he doesn't remark on it; besides, there's that caution to his smile, the hesitance that keeps him from being too friendly... even if he's not unfriendly, either. A girl can hope that time would have eased some of the tension, and maybe there's something encouraging about the way he replies without delay. So Vienne continues closer, to stand beside him and peer down over the lake and the two young people wandering along with hands entwined. "Poor kids," she remarks dryly. A glance aside at K'del is surely aware of his caution and it keeps her own smile muted. This is probably where some kind of smooth, polite conversation should occur, but instead she just tugs her sweater closer and looks out over the view. "Remember it well," is K'del's answer, with only a little of that self-satisfied smugness that comes with having a good ten turns and more distance from those awful, awkward days. He, too, seems to run out of conversational topics after that, his glance wavering off of Vienne so that he can resume considering the teens. His palms, pressed flat to the ground on either side of his thighs, press flatter still. Finally; "You look cold." Even if he's no longer looking at her to see. "It's summer, you know. A beautiful day." "It has been a beautiful day," Vienne agrees whole-heartedly. Though that, unfortunately, might be the limit of what she has to add. Another few beats pass before she can come up with the brilliant piece of conversation: "I am a little cold." Epic. She probably doesn't need to resituate the sweater again, but she does so anyway. Then, hesitantly, she asks, "Will you leave if I sit?" K'del's mouth sets, a sure sign that he's frustrated with the awkwardness of conversation - though it's not as though he has any other small-talk to offer. Her question, in the end, leaves him without a ready answer, at least immediately. Then, still without looking at her: "Will we sit in awkward silence if you do?" It's followed up, relatively quickly, by, "No. I won't leave." Awkward silence. Vienne lets out a laugh of a breath, short and empty. "We can if you want. If that's... better than the alternative." But very gingerly, whether it's because she doesn't want to fall off into the water or because she's a little precious about getting her clothes dirty, the bluerider eases herself down to sit beside him, staring rather worriedly at her shoes, legs not quite relaxing in their hang over the edge. "I'd rather not," is honest, at least. "Hate awkward silences. They're just..." Awkward, presumably. K'del gives her a sidelong glance, a measured one, as she so-gingerly moves to join him. It doesn't linger, turning quickly back towards the pair of teens-- except that they've disappeared, now, no doubt having finally found a shadowy corner. He makes a face. "How've you been?" "So is it that you'd prefer a not-awkward silence?" Vienne wonders somewhat rhetorically, hesitant again, but this time for the sake of her shoes, which she's now easing carefully off her feet so she can set them beside her rather then lose them to the icy water below. "I've been... I don't know. Unsettled, I guess. Trying not to be. How--" she's going to ask the obvious return question, but instead she just quirks a little smile, full of knowing. It's a touch amused; if they're going to be awkward, maybe they can laugh about it? K'del lets his mouth twist into an awkward smile at her mostly rhetorical question, which he lets hang - let it be fully rhetorical! It's the question she doesn't end up asking that gets him glancing in her direction again, his smile more or less matching hers. "This is awful," he pronounces, head shaking. "Like we're dancing around each other. Stupid. I'm sorry you've been unsettled. Guess I have been, too. It's been a difficult spring, and I'm not sure that the summer will be better, but I'm trying." "It's... a little awful," Vienne says with a laugh and a smile, light even if she's fully aware of their troubles. "But I can dance, if you need to. If that's..." She shrugs a small shoulder in the bundle of chunky knit. "It's been a difficult time for a lot of people, I think. Not sure what's going on, how they should feel about it, where they fit." She draws in a breath, looking out again as her teeth worry at her lip. "It's like the whole Weyr goes through waves of feeling powerless, 'what can I do', and then someone tries to do something and it just... makes it worse. But should everyone just sit tight? Is doing nothing right?" She shakes her head again. "I don't like that word. Right. And it keeps coming up. I keep saying it." She'd like to laugh at herself, but the sound that comes out is a bit too disgusted. "There isn't a right," is K'del's conclusion, coming after he's worked his way through all of what Vienne has to say. "Not sure there's a wrong, either. Just... what is. You know? Aishani called me blind, refusing to see. I said she was, too. Maybe we both are: only able to see our own sides of things. Maybe we all are, to some degree or another. We all just... do what we have to do. What is right for us, or what feels right, in any case. Sometimes that makes things worse. Sometimes it makes things better. But who's to say what's better or worse, for that matter. There isn't an absolute like that." His frustration - and a quiet, intense amount of misery - are so audible, so present. "But we're-- set up to think that way." "Yes," Vienne puts in as he speaks, a quiet interjection of agreement. "That's what I try to keep in mind. There's no right. All options lead down their own paths and you don't know what that outcome might be in the long run. It's just easier when I'm looking at someone else's problems instead of my own." But she can't ignore all that frustration and misery, and she bows her head a little as she turns to look at him, to watch the way it presents itself. "We don't have to talk about her if you don't want to," she points out. A sigh, this time: the low escape of breath that K'del can't even seem to control. "No," he agrees. "We don't. Just feels like everything comes back to that, at the moment. Not just from her: from everyone. Having to stand by a decision that was made, only partially by me, when I was all of seventeen." He breaks off from that, giving Vienne a rueful glance. "It's stupid to hypothesise how things might have been different, had we decided things differently, back then. I'm trying to avoid it. What should we talk about instead?" Considering how well their last meeting went, it's probably a terrible idea to reach for his hand, but Vienne does it anyway. "You were seventeen," she repeats. "And you weren't alone." Rumor has it there was a trial and everything, with Harpers even. "It's not a light thing to carry." But she's ready enough to let the topic fall away if he is. "I changed wings," she mentions, her mouth twisting in a rather dissatisfied kind of smile, and then it breaks into a soundless laugh at herself. "Though I don't really know how much I want to talk about that, either." K'del does not, at least, pull his hand away. Instead, he turns his head, staring down at their two hands with a thoughtful expression and a barely-present nod. "Oh? Would've thought changing wings would be a good thing, unless you didn't want to? Can't imagine--" But he breaks off. "Not that we need to talk about that, either, no, of course not. Anything... good going on in your life? Something you are happy about?" "Yeah, me too," Vienne admits with a little roll of her eyes to make the quirk of a smile on her mouth. "I like Z'ian. I feel comfortable with him. But Boreal is such a mess and now Snowdrift isn't thrilled with me. It just feels..." She draws in a breath and lets it out again, leaving her fingers in his. "Let's see," she muses, a kick of one small foot in the air. "I've been trying to write some songs?" she admits with a bashful laugh. "It was never my forte." K'del's mouth twitches all over again. "Lia," he says, without adding any further context. Perhaps that's enough, on its own. "Z'ian's a good man. Good WIngleader, I expect, though I've no real experience with him in that context, not really." Whatever efforts K'del was making to help with the wings, all those months ago - they've died down, now. He just is. "Songs. Well - that's good. Is it fun? Always seemed... incomprehensibly difficult, to me. The idea of doing it, as much as anything." Vienne can only nod for the name, since it's clear K'del is all caught up on those particular stories. "He's pretty new to it." Being Wingleader. "And his situation has been awkward from the start. I just... I left Snowdrift because I didn't want to be connected to that kind of... I didn't want people to connect me to something, a mentality, a choice I didn't make, just because of my wing. They're good people and they were so welcoming when I came, but... I don't share all of their views. That's the way it goes, I guess. There's always someone who thinks I'm a traitor." So maybe she did want to talk about it, since she doesn't get back to the topic of her songs. Her eyes skim low, somewhere around her knees. "We're all always a traitor to something," is K'del's opinion on that front. "Or someone. Can't please everyone. Which-- goes back to what we were saying earlier, doesn't it?" He doesn't wait for an answer to that comment, instead turning his gaze back out over the lake, the dying sun. "Sometimes it's the right thing to do: leaving. Even if it doesn't make people happy. Got to do what works for you, above everyone else. Because you're never going to make everyone else happy." Her fingers tighten on his a little, in their benign wrap. "You mentioned leaving once," Vienne remembers. "If..." If Aishani was Weyrwoman, though she wasn't Aishani then. She doesn't say it now, she just lets a bit of silence hang between them, perhaps not as uncomfortable now as it was a few moments ago. "Do you still..." She doesn't finish that either. The bluerider just follow his gaze off across the vista to the sun setting beyond the spires. K'del glances back at his fingers as though he's forgotten where they are, that they're being touched. He hesitates, sucking in a long, deep breath that says a lot about his answer, even before he makes it. "Yes," he says. "And I hate it. Feels like... if I leave, she wins. She punishes me. Maybe I'm reading too much into her actions, her words, but... feels like it's me she hates, me she wants to punish. I lose my home, like she lost..." He breaks off. "Sorry. Maybe I shouldn't be saying that to you. I don't want to go, but I don't see how we can co-exist, not like that." K'del might take a long breath, but as he starts talking, Vienne's become shallow and quiet, her eyes downcast rather than looking at him, a faint furrow on her brow. "I wish you wouldn't," is all she says at first, a long pause following. "If you don't want to go... why should you? Why should you give up your home? There are..." And now she does draw in a breath, gazing out again. "There are people all over who hate each other, who live in the same places. They don't agree, they don't want to agree. It doesn't mean one of them has to leave. They carry on with their lives. High Reaches is more to you than... this one fight, isn't it?" "Of course it is," says K'del, abruptly, though it doesn't seem to be frustration aimed at Vienne. "I love High Reaches. Always will. But I want to be Weyrleader again, and I want... There's no way I can ever be Weyrleader again, if Iesaryth rises first. Tiriana and I didn't much get on, but we managed. This would be different." He exhales, turning his gaze away and going silent for several long seconds. Finally, "If she's going to be senior, I want her to have me out of the way, so she can just... lead the Weyr, and move on. Doesn't mean I trust her. But it seems like as long as I'm here, there's temptation to do things just to hurt me. Maybe she won't. Maybe that's completely wrong." "K'del," Vienne begins softly, some hint of remonstrance in it. But she finally does release his hand, so she can use her own to lift her up for the ginger maneuvering of turning bodily to face him, legs drawn together and bent to one side. "You might be right. Maybe being here... is a distraction. I really haven't talked to her very much and she said little about you. But maybe it doesn't have to be like that. Maybe everyone can move forward. Not necessarily forgiving or forgetting, just focusing on what's important." The catch of her lip in her teeth is not terribly certain, though. "What would you need?" she wonders. "What would let you stay?" K'del's hand is returned towards his knee, resting there in a way that is only slightly awkward. He allows his gaze to slide back towards Vienne as she speaks, his expression cautious - wary. "I talked to her. She blames me. Hates me. Can't imagine a future in which we could... work together. Productively. I should have taken them all in, every woman and child, like Fort took in that single child from their executed criminal." He's scornful, then stops, exhaling, his eyes closing. "I don't know," he says. "How do you even get past this? She hates me, Vienne." It hurts him. "What about all the people here who love you? Who have faith in you. Who are still looking to you to lead them? Still looking to you, after everything that has happened," Vienne says, a note of imploring that has her chin leaning forward and eyes wide. "You know they do. There are so many people here who are watching you to see how they should react. They're waiting for you. And I don't think they need you to be the Weyrleader, either. They just need you to show them what to do, to tell them they'll be okay. How can you do that if you leave? How can you do that if you're stuck in your own head? If you're too busy feeling persecuted? And if you can't do it now, if you can't face this and be strong for them, why should you be Weyrleader?" Her head tips, expression as gentle and wondering as her voice has been. "I want to have faith in you." K'del's jaw sets, an angry retort so clearly hovering on the tip of his tongue, for all that he doesn't actually express it. His frustration, a moment later, has him turning his gaze away. A stray rock, sitting nearby, gets picked up, hefted in his hand. Perhaps the feel of that is enough to calm him, because finally, carefully, he sighs. "They want me to fix it, Vienne. They expect me to just walk in and make everything fine again. And I can't. There isn't anything I can do - I've tried. What am I supposed to tell them? 'This person whose father stole from you is your weyrwoman, but don't worry, she only hates me'? They want me to do something. Take action. Things aren't okay. I can't tell them that they are." Vienne shakes her head, "No, K'del. You want you to fix it. You want to believe that the knot makes you the leader. But look," she glances a hand out toward the lake, the Weyr beyond. "It doesn't. It only goes so far. If the knot was everything, there wouldn't be any problems." But she can only shake her head again, letting her hands come to her knees. "You're fixated. You only see the tip of things. You only see her. It's not about her. It's about you and them. And the way you would have your Weyr behave. Unless you like to see them all scrambling, some of them trying to hide, some of them trying to be positive and look forward, some of them climbing each other after imaginary scraps." But she seems to realize there's little likelihood in getting her point across, her gaze drops back to her lap, to her fingers that have started to toy with her skirt. Her shoulders drop. "Things aren't okay. But there's no one person here who is at fault for that." "What would you have me do, Vienne?" K'del sounds genuinely frustrated, now, and throws his rock, hard, at the water below. At least there's no one down there for him to hit, not now. "Not trying to imply that everything is Aishani's fault. It's not. Not all her fault, not all Taikrin's fault, not all anyone's fault. But half the Weyr is looking to me to save them from the Vijay threat, and from Taikrin, and what am I supposed to do about that?" Vienne jumps a little for the sudden force he applies to that rock and it take moment for the extra tension to wear off, for her to settle and hear him. "I would..." No, they're not easy questions, or perhaps it the direct nature of questions, the responsibility of advice, that gives her pause here. "I'd ask you to keep things in perspective. To not let your feelings cloud your judgement. I don't mean to tell you to ignore them, but recognize them so you can know when it's your head that's talking and when it's your gut. You say... 'save them from the Vijay threat'. How do you save people? What is the threat? That's not your head talking. Maybe there will be a threat. Maybe you should be watchful. I would be. I am. But the only real threat I see is the confusion and division. The other things are shadows that may or might not be. You can guard against them, but you can't fight a shadow." "They see it as a threat. I'm not talking about my own feelings, Vienne. I can separate them." Even when it looks like he can't: he at least tries. "But other people? They're scared. They expect me to fix things, and I can't." K'del's frustration, now, has him drawing his legs back up off the ledge, letting him move into a standing position - but mostly so that he can pace. "It's not like I think she's evil, Vienne. It's not like I think she doesn't have a gripe. But people don't trust her, and they look to me to save them." He's getting repetitive. "So what are you telling them, K'del? What do you say to them now when they ask you to save them? What example are you giving them?" But sitting on the edge of this cliff while K'del paces is hardly a comfortable place for the bluerider, and so Vienne carefully gets to her feet again, picking up her shoes, barefoot on the stone and all the shorter for it, particularly as he stalks back and forth, tall and lanky in comparison. "Or do you feel like they don't hear you?" Sighing, "I told Lia that--" He stops, shaking his head. Scratch that, move on. "I said it's not like there's something I can just walk in and fix. They don't trust her. Either of them. Neither do I. So what? It's not like we can just walk in and decide that they're not our leaders anymore. I've been telling people to be patient, that we'll have a proper set of Weyrleaders eventually. That's just not good enough, apparently." He comes to a halt again, and there, yet again, is another sigh. "I'm tired of it being all on me. Saving the day. From what? How? It's not like there's something concrete I can do." "No, you can't just walk in and fix it. It's not a loose table leg." Vienne manages to keep at least most of the 'duh' from her voice. And this time when he halts, she steps forward to stand in front of him. "Just because you don't trust someone, does that make them your enemy? But this isn't about trust. I don't expect you to trust. I don't expect anyone else to. But there is a wide divide between not trusting someone and flailing around on the edge of reason as if the world is crashing down around you." But he's sighing and he's tired and she puts a hand out to brace his arm. "It doesn't have to be on you. But if you want it to be," and he's said he does. "Look," she turns her head toward the Weyr, settling into dusky darkness. "No fires. No screams. No babies crying. No hungry bellies. No cold hands. It's not as dire as you feel it is. There's no doom on your doorstep. There's nothing you have to do right now." "Tell that to half the Weyr." As soon as the words are out, as frustrated as they are, K'del looks apologetic. He runs his hand through his hair, letting her brace the other arm with hers. "How do you think it feels, being unable to trust your leaders? People have long memories. They don't feel secure. And I... can't help with that. I'm trying." He pulls away, then, and says, "I should go in. I promised I'd say good night to the boys, and it doesn't feel like... where is there to go with this? This conversation." "I don't know," Vienne answers honestly, a faint shake of her head as her eyes drop. "I guess it depends on whether or not you've been listening." Which she doesn't sound particularly hopeful about. "I'll have Oswinth come get me." Doubtlessly already in progress as she says it. "I'm sorry if we've talked in circles. I'm glad we talked anyway." If gladness has a kind of sad sound to it. "Have you?" Been listening, presumably. Because K'del's expression is abruptly sad, rather making it look as though he doesn't think she has. "Good night, Vienne." He doesn't glance back, but winds his way down towards the ground, one foot after another. |
Comments
Azaylia (Dragonshy (talk)) left a comment on Sat, 06 Apr 2013 21:22:54 GMT.
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Things rarely go well when folks are just telling other folks how wrong they are. It's certainly a better discussion than the last! Maybe the next will be even more of an improvement? ^^ Only time will tell~
Aishani (Brieli (talk)) left a comment on Sun, 07 Apr 2013 00:35:05 GMT.
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Bad Vienne! No being reasonable! ;)
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